Blank Cadence
by 0ri
Summary: For the first time, in a long time... Sumeragi Subaru had hope.
1. Prolog

Notes: Eh, I'll leave the main notes in the first chapter.

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**Blank Cadence**

**By 0ri**

**PROLOG**

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Seishirou looked up into the warm, horrified green eyes of his enemy, his love, his life, his total and absolute opposite – they froze together, unaware, oblivious of the creaking sounds of metal bending and falling into the drift of water below.

The assassin trailed his hand up, slowly, watching the blood as it gleamed with his movements – he smiled at the knowledge that for once, it was his own. There was still one thing life to do…

"Subaru-kun… I… You…"

And rising that hand up all the way, reaching its destination – caressing the Sumeragi's pale cheek as he gasped lightly – doing all he could to form words, and memorize the young mans expression at the same time. He couldn't possibly forget…

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"I… l-love you…" 

/

Hard as I may have been, Seishirou finally spoke the last words. He felt the contraction of Subaru's emotions roll through him as the Sumeragi's body quaked – arms shaking, the arms that were clutching his own body, tugging at him, trembling. He distantly felt tears swell up against his already bloody shirt and coat, liquefying his body further. Everything was growing foggy, distant, silent… as if an eerie snowfall had settled among the wreckage of Rainbow Bridge. Further and further away, the Sakurazuka grew; eyes half-lidded now, mouth open to inhale agonizing breaths that were rapidly proving to be a task too difficult for his pierced body to handle. His entire chest felt as if it had been seized in a great fire – heart throbbing harshly, too harshly – so quickly – he couldn't keep up with its movements – it hurt, his whole body, and he was slipping, slipping into some thing so obscure he couldn't comprehend it --

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_I'm finally dying…_

Seishirou recalled his mothers last words in this moment – the final words that had settled about her lips, the notification of a foreboding ending that would befall him as well as it had her. He had only half-believed what she had said when it was spoken to him. But now he understood… The truth was so clear…

/"And who will be killing me?" He'd asked so carelessly and calmly - recalling the question so evidently, as if it had all happened yesterday…/

/"The one… The one you will love the most." And then, she had added in afterthought, smiling, "There can be no greater glory then to be killed by the one you love the most. Seishirou-kun… Remember that. _Remember…_"/

/

And the pain in his chest, that empty, wide gape that gusts of wind were thrusting up against – it was growing less noticeable as the fog thickened, and until he could only see, feel and breathe that cloudy haze – that place where his soul and mind were detached from his physical being. Subaru was sobbing some where in the back of this all, a lone reminder of what he had done, that that one, simple statement would tear the Sumeragi in sheer half. A twitch of his lips, a last smile – At least now Subaru could know the truth.

At least now...

He too knew the truth as well…

Even if he'd realized far too late.

_It seems like I've lost the _real_ bet here, Subaru-kun… Ah, well… That's just… our case, isn't it… _

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Seishirou felt himself falling; but it was only a weak pang – some thing that he knew subconsciously he should have been able to feel a lot more sharply and distinctively. Subaru was screaming incoherently – a few words, he couldn't understand – and then his own name; a shrill stretch of syllables that was like a sharp crack in the air; similar to the sound of a whip smacking wind; totally and undeniably ear-shattering. 

The cold wash of the sea spray splattered Seishirou; but he did not shudder in its frigid frostiness as he should have. The water was opening to him, beckoning him to come under and rest with it - a weak, yet some how entrancing call. The bridge and its rubble in a tilt now – freezing water sucking him in, sucking him under, bitter salt on his lips as he attempted breath and seeping through his wound all in one fierce, tantalizing, numbing movement –

He closed his eyes.

_Prolog End_


	2. Slumber A

A/N : This… Took me… so long… to write…

I guess that's mostly due to the fact I was in school…

Not much to say (I don't want to give any hints, ahaha) but this story is centrally Subaru X Seishirou. If you can't handle certain levels of morbidity, I would _highly_ recommend you don't read this. Though I can't fathom… why you would be reading X/1999 in the first place…

Well anyway, **BIGBIG **thanks to my beta, **Rei Asakura** who fixed up_ all_ 17 pages of this sector. Her stuff is awesome. She's just awesome. Go read her work. xD Thank you Rei! You're my favorite beta. ; .;

Please review at the end if you love/hate/want to express your feelings towards this ficcy. It took my blood and organs to write this. x.x

EDIT: Sorry. I didn't realise the stupid.. page seperator things... Would get cut out when I uploaded this the first time. It must have made it confusing for the first people who read it. But I fixed it now.

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**Blank Cadence **

By 0ri

_Chapter 1 – Slumber _(sector A)

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"Subaru…?"

The small dragon of heaven's voice murmured out in the doorway, even though he knew there would be no reply. He pressed his slender body to its frame, brushing his cheek against the smooth pine-wood, his ear and right hip in alignment with the door. He shuddered, bringing his hands up and rubbing them together, his body quaking with small shivers. It was freezing.

Sorata stood opposite of Kamui and shot a worried glance towards him, then moved his eyes back towards the door, his stare holding a steel-like grip, as if to penetrate the wood and look beyond into the room in which he knew the onmyoji resided with the look alone.

"Should I...?" Kamui asked, glancing, the word almost choked – he couldn't cry now, certainly not, it would do them no good, and the man beyond the door was in worse pain. Even so, the anxiousness of his gaze was profound and his usual demeanor was swiftly fazing into nothing but the asunder of what it once was; a vain attempt at calmness and collection of thoughts. He bit his lower lip – his upper teeth sinking into the pink flesh, almost hard enough so to cause bleeding.

Sorata nodded, standing back, pressing his body to the adjacent wall. Kamui held his breath, trying to steady himself. He opened the door.

At first, with the eerie stillness of the room and the frigid silence, the teenager thought that the room was unoccupied. He glanced around the Sumeragi's room – as blank and barren, as he'd remembered it – but something else now; the grotesque scent of blood and death, covering the walls, the floors, and even the ceilings. It was almost as if he could visualize the scent, so vivid it was as it descended onto his body. _Inhale, exhale_ – he took a step back, cocking his head to the side. The angle and shape of the room were all familiar things – the small table, the futon in the corner, a shelf with a few books of various natures up against the wall; the room utterly still, the gathering dust a verification that its owner paid it no heed.

Kamui squinted his eyes as something tight and concentrated gathered in his chest and then burst, blanketing his whole body with small goose bumps. He trembled, rocking slightly, feeling Sorata's gaze on his back from outside in the hallway. He stepped to his left, towards the bookcase and to the futon – and the small spilling of light that had been once devoured by his shadow was quick to recuperate and flood the floor along with some of the opposite wall in a long, sharp rectangle of yellow. The mouths of the two windows were wide, as if they were breathing in synch with Kamui's own lungs – a soft invitation for the chilly night wind to pass to and fro as it pleased. The white curtains swayed with each frosted breath – a ballet of ghosts.

"Subaru…"

Kamui inched himself nearer to the futon, the image growing clear – the Sumeragi's body had become more slender; sickeningly so, as the mind had taken into a dank, void, binding stupor. He was lying on his left side so that he would have been facing Kamui if not for the other body, much larger then his, was in front of him, facing his right. The teenager was a little glad he'd be spared from gazing at the forever numb, lifeless eyes – even if the Sakurazukamori was, no, _had been_, an enemy, even if – looking at some one he had once seen alive, even if he'd wished the man damned and dead for all he had done, even, even so – for the petit dragon of heaven, it was all he could want, to not look at the bodies of the deceased.

Step by step, he walked, closer to the dying Sumeragi and lifeless Sakurazuka. A whine coiled within his throat, but he refused to release it as he looked upon Subaru's unconscious face.

A coma, unable to awaken unless by force; _electrocution, but they had tried that, at least 4 times now_ – still, _no reaction _- as if Subaru himself had perished on rainbow bridge.

A catatonic state of mind, doctors said; professionals, who supposedly knew and understood the body and its functions - _couldn't explain, could never explain_ - it was to be expected from such a trauma, Shiro knew –

But even the weak, very small pang of hope he had felt had been clawed from his grasping hands -_Not responding to medication, not responding to nutrition, to people, to sounds, and even pain, they'd tried that, a small cut along Subaru's arm, and then a larger one_ – no such flicker of life as the other Seals had hoped.

5 days now, it had been… And Kamui was on the edge of his nerves.

"Subaru…" He kneeled down before the onmyoji, peering at the man from over Seishirou's body. Subaru's arms held the carcass in a vice-like grip, possessive and as tight as his frail state could allow. They hadn't tried to move the Sakurazuka yet, fearing the consequences – the whisper that it could result in a shock strong enough to Subaru's brain that would result in his death.

He drew himself closer yet, not wanting to touch the corpse. It was inevitable, however, as he stretched his body, flexing out his right hand to grasp his comrade's cheek. Kamui let a broken smile touch his face, eyes narrowing with sorrow as he trailed the tips of his fingers down the Sumeragi's jaw line, almost, but not quite touching his neck as he explored the smooth face – and then slithered back with a weak jerk, placing his hand down on his lap.

"I…"

Kamui bit his lower lip.

"Subaru… I know you've gone through so much pain, and I know that… You don't think you have anything to live for anymore, but…"

His voice almost split, and he gripped his own neck, smoothing the firm skin out as if to coax the whimper he wanted to release away.

"W-We need you, here… With us…."

He brought a hand to his chest, grabbing almost painfully at his own shirt

"N-no… _I_ need you, Subaru. Can't you see that?" Kamui finally allowed the whimpers to escape, sniffling back a sob. His head bowed forward, and he moved his palms onto the wooden floors, digging his nails as much as he could into the furnishing, gritting his teeth together as he did. He scratched at it almost rabidly, shoulders trembling – and he coughed lightly, then let out a low, long wail. The teenager felt off-focused, dizzy with his sorrows, almost wishing he too could fall into a catatonic state. Over and over again, he had seen death being played, destruction – lives, hope, happiness shredded and ripped away, perhaps in the very flames – still birthing vastly – all throughout Tokyo. He didn't even want to wake up in the mornings anymore. Food was also some thing Kamui did not want to touch; and he had thinned in the past three days; constantly refusing nutrition from his comrades. There was just _no way_ he could feel even a remote touch of joy with Subaru in such a state!

He suddenly felt a pair of hands on his back, frantically pulling at his sides so that he was tossed backwards into an embrace, and then jolted around. "K-Kamui! Are you alright!" Sorata asked, words rushed, worry scribbled all over his face – Kamui slowly shook his head, and leaned in close, resting himself into the Osaka boy's chest. "I saw you shaking – and I thought –"

"I'm fine Sorata… Physically…" He mumbled it, and it wasn't really meant to be heard, but Sorata caught it anyway. He sighed, and rained his fingers down his leader's wavy hair.

"I miss him too, Kamui." He paused, digging around his mind for the right words. "However… You need to worry about yourself too. Not just Subaru… He wouldn't want it, for you to be going mad over this."

Kamui's face was expressionless, unreadable – and he didn't bother replying, instead occupying himself by looking over at Subaru's face again, mostly hidden behind the Sakurazukamori's shoulder. It was still as blank as it had been when he walked in. He sighed, speaking quietly, "When I was in this same state – Subaru helped me. He's _always _helped me… But there isn't much… No, there isn't anything I've ever really been able to do for him. _Nothing_."

"That's not true, Kamui!" Sorata exclaimed, and the boy in question was slightly taken aback by the firmness of his voice. Sorata turned Kamui fully around - looking directly down at him, his usual comical expression gone and turned serious. "You and him were _friends_, weren't you? And you supported each other. I'm positive that Subaru-san greatly appreciated that! You may not think of it as a lot, but I think, if I were Subaru-san… I would have thought of it a great deal… " He searched Kamui's eyes for a change in expression, but the boy only looked sadder. Over what, Sorata wasn't too sure, but he continued. "Though I do not know Subaru-san too well… He seemed the sort of person who would think that way. Who would hold a friendship in high esteem."

Kamui's lips turned into a frown, and he glared at Sorata, snapping bitterly – "Well, he couldn't have given me much thought, if he's still this way, even when I beg and plead with him to wake up. Subaru may not _need_ me, but I need him!" Kamui then jerked away from Sorata's weak grip, standing up and leaving the room. This conversation was pointless; Sorata hardly even knew anything about Subaru at all –

He frowned sullenly, hanging his head as he made his way down the long junction of hallways, passing by Yuzihira as he did, who gave him a curious, nonetheless worried look, and said, "Kamui-san—" in a questioning tone filled with concern, but he ignored her. By the time he reached his bedroom door the anger had phased into a slight anguish – and he shook his head, hoping slightly that the Seals would know enough to let him be for the afternoon. Kamui opened his bedroom door then, stepping into the room and swiftly shutting the door closed behind him. With a careless ease, he locked it.

Sorata stood still and rigid, repressing the urge to go after Kamui. The kid needed the time alone, after all this… He instead looked towards Subaru and the corpse, making his way over, a little nervous to approach him. Sorata had been horribly disquieted by Subaru's reaction to the Sakurazukamori's death – weren't they supposed to be _enemies_? And the other seals, with the exception of Kamui, had also been confused. What the hell was going on? Why had Subaru reacted in this manner to Sakurazuka's death?

He had known for awhile now that Sumeragi and Sakurazuka had had some thing to do with one another, in the past… But that's about as much as he knew.

Sorata wanted to ask Kamui, as did the other Seals, even Arashi – but they all weren't really sure if it was any of their places to ask, or if it was even Kamui's place to answer. They also didn't want to bring up the subject and further remind Kamui of Subaru's condition, the teenager was already being affected by it far too much.

"Why, Subaru-san…" The Osaka boy knelt down, wincing in distaste at the sight of the corpse. The rotting flesh was starting to smell… He disregarded it, inhaling deeply, shivering -- _so cold_ – and he lifted his wrist, his large hand reaching out to stroke the side of Subaru's face, from the edge of his dulled green eye down to his jaw line. In the process of this, although he'd been careful to avoid it, the underside of his arm accidentally bumped against the Sakurazuka's head. Sorata flinched, an unknown fear gripping him instantly.

Sorata breathed slowly to control his rapid heart-beat, calming himself.

With a morbid curiosity flooding him, and a faint hope that the man might wake – a hope himself wasn't even really aware of – he moved his attentions away from his unconscious comrade, instead lightly touching Seishirou's dark hair. Just a flicker of his finger-tips, at first, but soon Sorata's became enthralled; by what, he didn't know; and his entire hand soon combed through the strands like a large brush, easily slipping through. It wasn't nearly as stiff as he'd expected, still holding that silky, smooth texture – but it did hold an inhuman chilliness to it; from the lack of body heat, and those damn open windows, no doubt.

Sorata pulled his hand back, shuddering, and stood; gazing down at the two bodies lying across the futon for an instant. He then busied himself with the windows, closing each of the two; moving slow and silently. His socked feet padding across the floor was the only sound as he then made his way towards a closet, taking out two large, neatly folded blankets.

He knelt before the two bodies again, putting one blanket mostly on Sakurazuka, and partially on Subaru, and the other blanket mostly on Subaru and partially on Sakurazuka. He smiled, though weak it was, at his accomplishment. Now they only looked as if they were sleeping in each others arms …

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There was nothing here; Nothing to see, nothing to do; or, more accurately, nothing _worth_ doing or seeing. Rainbow Bridge was only a standing relic of what it once had been. The splendor and beauty of it had seemingly evaporated, leaving no traces, as if it had never existed at all. Though there was no wreckage, ironically, the structure itself was in perfect order – _what_ then, was missing, Subaru questioned himself tiredly as one green eye darted around, the other eye a pale white, fogged by blindness. But there were no answers here, were there? It wasn't necessarily what the bridge had lost… more, what it was lacking.

The Sumeragi walked along the bridges sidewalk - edging himself towards the cold railing. He lifted his arm, feeling hesitant, but then shrugged it off as foolishness – and ran his hand down the slimy railing – still wet and cold from the morning's chilly showers. Subaru could see his reflection in the silver bar, dully gazing back at him.

He turned away from it.

"It's cold as death here – "he suddenly said, not thinking of the words before they were spoken. Subaru paused at his own statement, recollecting himself. No, there was some thing else there… Wasn't there? Yes, there was… some thing else…

Death,_ death _– some one important had died here – _and pain, so hot and rapid, like fire spreading throughout his mind and then frosting over in an instant, leaving him cold nor hot, but instead a clammy numbness – _what was going on? Subaru gagged, nearly toppling over, mind reeling back – _blood, oh god, there was so much of it, covering him, contaminating him, making him thick and sticky and wet – _he felt sick – _his arm was _drenched _in it, all of it, the body he had stabbed was swallowing his arm as it slid forward, energy lost _– he fell to his knees, as if they'd snapped, clasping a hand roughly over his mouth – _I killed him, I killed him --_ don't scream, god, don't scream –_ Seishirou's dead body, lying in his arms, limp, broken, dead, the man gone from him forever –_ forever_ - gone, gone – _gone ----

Subaru was falling now, and the wind rushed past him, whistling wildly around his ears and clothes. He watched himself with detachment as he dove down the wide black hole. He watched as all light was swallowed, as gravity took him away, and the small illumination grew fainter, tinier, until he was surrounded by a darkness that even camouflaged his own body. Subaru whimpered as an unknown terror firmly compassed him; causing him to twist, thrash; feeling himself still falling – would it ever end? – and he jerked with his motions, shaking roughly; body, mind and soul alike twitching with madness. Hands knotted in his hair harshly; pulling at it, grinding teeth together as he felt a wetness gather at his eyes and run down his cheeks. The wind roared louder as speed gathered with an uncanny force, and soon the young man couldn't even decipher how fast he was going as he plummeted downward – faster now, _faster_ – until he was unable even to keep his eyes open as he tried calling, "S-Seishir—" but the screeching air tore his voice from his throat.

And then, as if he had never fallen – a pair of warm arms took that fear, tossing it away; enclosing him in a comforting, weak grip – and he blinked, not realizing his eyes had been closed until he opened them. He gazed up at the man holding him, startled – who was this person?

Some one very effeminate, he noted, as his eyes analyzed the man's slender face. Long twirls of blond hair fell in intervals around the persons cheeks, and a few bangs blocking out some portions of the man's almost cat-like pale eyes. He noticed immediately the dullness of those eyes, so much like his own now – but the curiosity of knowledge did not grow, and he simply turned his face from the sight.

The man lifted a frail wrist – so frail it looked as if a simple touch could shatter it – and brought his hand along the side of Subaru's face, the side that was turned towards him. He then shifted his position slightly so that Subaru could easily rest against his chest if he wanted. He did.

"Sumeragi Subaru-san…"

Subaru nuzzled his face into the persons clothing, wanting to seep away once more. Brattled, Kakyou shook the man's shoulders lightly, whispering with sternness, "Do not fade away on me – I won't be able to pull you back out of yourself again." _And why should it matter to me if you can or cannot? _Subaru hid himself in the strangers chest, eyes closed, breathing quietly.

"Who…," a sigh, he hadn't spoken to another in so long, and his throat was somnolent of the exercise – even if this wasn't really 'reality'. "Who are you?"

"Kakyou. Kuzuki Kakyou." The person answered him, voice soft again, matching his appearance. Kakyou involuntarily flinched at the recollection of telling some one his name – so much like how Hokuto had asked. But this wasn't Hokuto in his arms now, this was her _brother_. And although the two were physically similar, even with the boundary of gender pushing apart their individualities – this Sumeragi, in his arms, the 13th head, Sumeragi Subaru – he still resembled the woman he had loved. And it brought back a sheer flood of memories, and Kakyou squirmed uncomfortably as it piled up on his mind, crushing him. He mentally scolded himself. He was not here to cry about Hokuto. Hokuto was _gone, _and there was nothing he could do about.

Recollecting himself and his original intentions, Kakyou peaked down at the shattered Sumeragi, a saddened frown touching his lips. His unoccupied hand pet the soft black stands of Subaru's hair away from the front of his face. Subaru tensed, then eased, more so for his apathetic attitude then the acceptance of being touched by a stranger.

"I'm the dreamseer of the Dragons of Earth," Kakyou explained in the kindest tone possible - mildly wondering as he did how to go about this in the lightest manner, even if the subject he'd soon be pushing into wasn't exactly light.

Subaru didn't respond, merely acknowledging it in his silence. But Kakyou had expected that.

"I use to know your sister… q-quite well…" Kakyou prodded further. At that bit of information, Subaru did move, paralyzed at first – Hokuto, she was dead too, wasn't she? _Yes, she is._ He then shrugged his shoulders, stretching the numbed muscles gingerly, and quietly whispering back,

"She's dead."

"I-I… I know that."

"_You know_," the young mans lips twitched, but it wasn't really a smile, instead it was more of a mock of it. "…Seishirou-san is dead too…" He said the words more to himself then to Kakyou – a melancholic acceptance. Subaru pulled away from the strangers embrace, looking up at him with tired eyes, so frozen over, so broken. And with that, the man began to fade back into the stupor of his own dream realm, in his own twisted world, created by himself, only for himself –

"_No!_ I need to tell you something," Kakyou grabbed at Subaru's wrist. Subaru merely stared back at him, and Kakyou winced. Some thing about that gaze made his head reel back, and made him want curl away, and leave this person to himself. Even if this was Hokuto's brother, even if he had watched all the outplays of the dragons of heavens and earth, knew their dreams, among a number of other things – he couldn't possibly predict what the Sumeragi might do now, especially in this state. Kakyou had a vague idea, of course, but that was all it was – a vague idea.

A deep breath. He couldn't hold stay in the preamble of this for too long. With all the hope he had left, he continued,

"There is a _way_…

A _way_ you can bring Sakurazuka back…"

Subaru's eyes did not widen in surprise as Kakyou had expected – hoped – but there was a reaction, the parting of lips, as if the man might burst from the abruptness of the proposal, though his face still devoid of any emotions – but the dreamseer could see, the wheels were definitely working upstairs. Good. Now with his attention caught, the Sumeragi wouldn't fade.

"Why would you _care_ if Seishirou-san came back or not?" He questioned, voice suddenly rigid and tight with hatred, a deadliness there that couldn't have been there prior to the Sakurazukamori's death. "Wouldn't _this_ make you happy? He killed Hokuto."

Kakyou lowered his eyes. Although that was true, and as much as he disliked the Sakurazukamori for destroying probably what had been, the only thing in his life that was worth living for… Although that was true… The Sakurazukamori was worth a much bigger price alive then dead.

What would Kakyou get, through his revenge? To watch the twin of the woman he loved suffer, constant and droning, like an old movie being played on a black and white screen, rewound, over and over again – darkly repetitive, _sickly _repetitive, until the man in question passed off, faded into the murky twilight, at having suffocated on his sorrows? Hokuto was not going to come back whether the Sakurazukamori lived or died. And with that knowledge, there was no possibility for the growth of vengeance.

Then there was also the fact that Hokuto had died for Subaru's sake as well as Sakurazuka's.

He had done nothing for her, Kakyou had realized, out of the blue one day. He had given her nothing, and had only taken her warmth, because he had been so cold; that everything else had fuzzed out, and he hadn't realized he was in her dept for that warmth until after it was taken, and only until after she was gone. Still in that dept, even now. She had been everything to him – the meaning of existence – and he had thought, with a bitter smile; that if he just tweaked Subaru's fate – that he could – pay for that debt, if just a little bit. Kakyou knew Subaru's fate like the back of his hand. He had watched it, studied it, over and over, careful not to miss even the smallest of changes. He had seen what was in store for the shattered Sumeragi – he had seen Subaru, cuddling against the Sakurazukamori's corpse, seeking a response from Seishirou in vain, until he had fallen into the stupors of his mind. Kakyou had seen that Subaru, thanks to a certain Dragon of Earth (and _not_ Seishirou) that he would soon be torn from that stupor, that the Dragons of Earth Kamui would offer Subaru Seishirou's position amongst the angels, and would also give the young man the knowledge that he could also take the Sakurazuka's place as the next Sakurazukamori if he wished. He saw Subaru oblige to it. He saw the blank terror in the Seal's Kamui's eyes, and with it came the dark creation of a domino effect amongst the Seals. It would terrorize them, all of them, but other then that, the change in Subaru's fate would not have much effect on the Final Battle since he kept his distance from it.

So, with that notion – the notion that Subaru's life wouldn't have much at all to do with the end of the world – that perhaps, because of that, maybe he could change it for the better? Hopefully 'destiny' would turn its attentions away from the Sumeragi, so as long as the boy was away from the apocalypse, it would not seek to fight against these changes.

Kakyou wished he could explain this all to Subaru, but time was limited. In approximately 52 minutes, 5 seconds, the Dragon of Earth would enter Subaru's dreamscape, offering the dark enterprise with nothing but an apathetic smile.

And the means of the spell would be a long and treacherous explanation.

"Hokuto wanted for you and the Sakurazukamori to be… happy together," Kakyou simply answered, knowing he could explain his reasoning for this in a few simple sentences. "She even died for that cause. I want her wish to come true too…" He traced his fingers along the man's face, feeling a strong tug, almost gravitational, towards the white onmyoji. They had both suffered from Hokuto's death, after all, and in saying that, they were at least a little similar… They had both loved her.

He released Subaru's wrist from the grip of his left hand, instead moving it to caress the frayed strands of dark hair. Those painfully similar eyes had softened once again, then burst into fire abruptly as the information was processed, narrowing, "Then tell me – " Subaru whispered eagerly, coming closer, close enough to touch Kakyou's knee and grab onto the cloth, "_Please,_ tell me,"

There was such desperation in that tone that it made the dreamseer wince. He moved his wrist, tracing with his thumb the skin beneath the Sumeragi's one seeing eye, wondering how to start.

"I'm not much of an onmyoji, unlike you," he stared directly into those eyes, so strenuous, drinking in his every word, like a man with a scarce few drops of water in a dessert, "And if I was in your position, I would never be powerful enough to perform this spell. This takes _a lot_ of power. May I… May I call you by your first name?"

Subaru nodded.

"Alright, Subaru-san, "Kakyou was careful to avoid the kun suffix, "If you are to perform this spell, you are one, manipulating death in itself – and you are two, manipulating destiny, your own fate as well as Sakurazuka's. This is going to be _extremely_ dangerous, and it could kill you – no, it could even shatter your soul and damn you to hell for it. And if things go really, really haywire, you could shatter Sakurazuka's soul as well –" he was cupping those pale cheeks as he spoke, deciphering each reaction. Subaru had looked awfully saddened at the thought of Seishirou's soul being destroyed. But the expression was quickly erased as Kakyou began to talk again, "Are you willing to go into this knowing of those risks?"

There was a long pause, until Subaru finally, though quiet it was, responded. "It worries me, of course, but I…" the onmyoji shut his eyes, looking away, the hand clenched around the cloth tightening in near-agony, "If it can bring Seishirou back… my god, for that I," Subaru flinched as his hand sprang back with his body to cover his face, "For_ that_, no price is too high; I won't perform the spell, if the chances of it… hurting.. _Seishirou_ are high… But if I'm the only one who will suffer a consequences, then _let me_ suffer them" Tears were running down his face now, in tiny rivers, and there was a long moment of silence as Kakyou waited for Subaru to compose himself again – he didn't want to disgruntle him any further. It didn't take long for the young man to get a grip back on his equanimity, surprisingly. Subaru's sobs were always so muffled, sometimes even deaf on ears, as if he were ashamed of himself for loosing to anguish. But there wasn't anything to be ashamed of… He'd suffered enough, certainly, to merit those tears.

"Are you alright?" _Stupid question_, Kakyou thought to second he asked.

"I'll… I'll be fine," Subaru forced a little smile on his face for the dreamseer, "If this works… Everything should be… …fine.

…Just tell me all that you know, and I'll do the rest."

"Alright." The dreamseer rubbed his temple a bit, forcing his own smile back, trying to lighten the mood a little. "Well, this is how it works…."

o

* * *

o

Awakening from the subconscious of his mind proved to be a much more difficult task then Subaru had anticipated. Even though his head was still swimming from his lecture with Kakyou of the spell, Subaru had to push his thoughts of it away, fully giving his soul into breaking free of himself. And grieving for Seishirou's death wasn't an option, not now, when there was hope to thrive on; only a seed just yet, but Subaru would make sure it would turn from vine to bud to blossom, and if it didn't, he would simply whisk his life away – because _if _it didn't – he'd then know, truly, the extension of his worth.

He floated, aimlessly, searching, seeking, his breath caught, restricted in his 'throat' as he peered around the darkness with narrowed eyes as he felt himself lifting, further, further away from the dankness of himself, the warm hole he had created in the aftermath of the Sakurazukamori's passing. He moved leisurely, translucently; like a balloon in a windless sky.

It was sticky and warm, the second layer of his brain. And like a suction almost, it wished to push him back down; the falsity of a beacon; emitting a belied warmth. But he fought it. He wasn't a child anymore. He was the head of the Sumeragi clan, and he would _not_ falter and shatter in the wake of hope.

Slowly but surely, the walls of his mind crumbled apart as he approached a blinding, burning illumination. And it swallowed him.

The next thing he knew his eyes were open.

The second was the clobber of pain that struck him.

_Harshly. _

He tried gasping, and then realized he could not; or could _barely_; his throat being so dry that it was too raspy to breathe through, his lips too cracked to open and accommodate with that action as well. Subaru tried calming himself, inhaling through his nostrils instead, but the gush of air made him choke anyway – and his limbs were so stiff and numb, and when he moved them, they felt like pieces of heavy plywood, awkward and irritating. The abruptness of these physical aches made his head spin as well – the room was dark – and he wondered for a dizzy moment if he was still in a cationic state.

But no, he could feel the floor beneath his body, and with a keener eye he identified the room as his own, the one given to him at the Imonoyama mansion.

He gained a little more poise as energy soared down his arms to his finger tips, giving free access to movement. The same thing was happening to his legs now, and he breathed in relief, regulating with it.

But then he paused. There was some thing so close to him; and he identified it, almost immediately. A body, a person.

Had some one… had some one been sleeping beside him?

Was that _possible_, that some one would care _that_ much for him?

And then realization struck, making his throat scrunch inwardly with nausea… No, it wouldn't, _couldn't _be the first thing he'd see upon awakening, could it? _No, it can't, don't, please –_ Feeling him self begin to shake; the first subtle touch of panic; Subaru tore back the covers, exposing the corpse.

The room was painted solely in blacks and grays; and to the untrained eye it would have been nearly impossible to recognize the form. But Subaru knew this man, loved this man, hated this man. This person was _everything_ to him, as necessary to his existence as breathing air. Little light was provided in the room, but squinting, the onmyoji could make out the white lines trailing along the planes of Seishirou's shoulders, down his neck and through his silky hair, making it shine a beautiful silver glow, even in death. A shift of clouds beyond the windows in the sky exposed further delicious light, and it traveled, through the windows, as a large flashlight, and whitened the man's face, snaking around his upper body until it fully encompassed him in that color.

Subaru ached to see that face. Hands still shaking, he took a hold of Seishirou's shoulder, turning him from his side onto his back. He was unnaturally stiff, unaware and defenseless.

Subaru had briefly expected some thing dirty, disgusting and rotting, as if he believed life wished to traumatize him more then it already had. But upon gazing the features, Seishirou did not suit the look of a corpse at all. He looked very calm and still, as if he were in a _deep_ slumber; one that would have come from massive exhaustion. Subaru could have easily lied to himself, told himself that Seishirou was only suffering from some powerful sakanagi (1), and that with a few days rest he would soon awaken again, mocking him, smirking all knowingly, cocky and cool and arrogant – and he would say 'why Subaru-kun, did you think I would die so easily?' And he would laugh.

"_Why…"_ Subaru whispered hoarsely, some how soft even then, tears, real ones this time, making his eyes blink shut, so that they ran in long intervals down his cheeks. The onmyoji's white hands reached out, the muscles stretching, making him moan in torture – simple movement, and yet it hurt _so much_ - and his torso and stomach were the worst of them, when stretched, they felt like they were being ripped, tingling most horribly, making his back shudder, throat swallowing only bitter aridity, but these things had little to no importance to the Sumeragi in comparison to what he was reaching out for.

He jumped a little when he touched Seishirou's face, as if having expected there to be a reaction – there was none – and he was soon rummaging his hands across the cheeks lovingly, though his hands were mildly sloppy from his shudders; straining for life, and more tears were falling – and he was whimpering out loud, a weak murmur in stillness. The whimpers grew louder and more strained as he shook Seishirou lightly, whispering words that jittered out of placement in their sentences, loosing and gaining meaning as they fell from his voice.

At that moment there was sound in the stillness – a drop of water, rippling a pond so it echoed out in silvery lines. He breathed in deeply, not wanting to be discovered just yet –_ no_ – he wanted some time alone with Seishirou. He wanted to be left to himself to clean the corpse up, wrap it in blankets, make it _warm_ again – and if the seals thought he was insane for it – well, who_ really_ gave a damn? Certainly not he.

Despite these wishes, the noises grew louder, thumping in the corridors just outside his bedroom. His heart was pounding – so loud he knew some one would hear it. And with it Subaru's breath hitched a higher cord, straining; too much for his dried throat to handle, and he burst outright gagging, and cursed him self angrily in between coughs.

The sounds gained speed immediately, and within a seconds time the door shot open.

"_Kamu_i!" It took one too many seconds too long for Subaru to register the voice as Sorata's.

And the light switch, which was quickly flicked on – burned his weary eyes – and they watered more then they already had been, and he twisted in the blankets, slamming his back against the backwards wall. He cried outright, a lone, sad syllable, not daring to open his eyes in fear of being burned again.

"S-Subaru! You're --- You've_ awakened_ – but _how_--- " Sorata ran to his side, and Subaru finally squinted his eyes a little open to get at least a little view of the Osaka boy now kneeling in front of him. There was profound worry scrawled over his countenance.

_Why do you care about what happens to me?_

"Oh god, Subaru – " _What's wrong, Sorata? You look like you've seen a ghost_. Subaru's eyes skimmed across Sorata's dark brown ones before once again becoming absorbed with the corpse again. He hands sleekly ran through Seishirou's dark hair; his face void of anything except for the hint of sorrow sketched in his eyes. Sorata inhaled deeply, and ungracefully stood, nearly falling over and then rushed out of the room to get help.

Subaru snuggled closer to Seishirou, drawing the man's head delicately up in his lap, still stroking the fine, dark hair.

Not even a few seconds later and the room was filled up with nearly all of the Dragons of Heaven – Subaru heard the word ambulance, some where, in the mist of it all – but ignored it as he focused on Seishirou. And he smiled, for the first time in a _long_ time, though sad it was. Oh yes, he would see to it that the man came back, and by his life, he _swore_, it would be a smooth, efficient transaction. It would be. It _HAD_ to be.

His thoughts were rudely intruded as some one jerked him away from Seishirou by his arm. Subaru squirmed, his efforts futile – he was far too weak, from food depravation, and his muscles were still so stiff from no movement – still yet he struggled, trying to get back to Seishirou, to get closer to him, where he knew instinctively he belonged. "N-no…" He shook his head, "Let go of.." A gasp, he couldn't fully grip his words, "..me, please, _no_, Seishirou --- doesn-" Subaru gagged on his own vocal cords, throat scrunching and opening, seeking some thing moist to sate it. _Seishirou-san's lonely; he doesn't want to be alone! _

"We need to get him to a hospital!" That was Kamui's voice yelling, wasn't it? Subaru searched for the person tugging on his arm with enough force to bruise it. He didn't need to look up into the face to know it was Sorata. He then was pulled more roughly, and he cried out again in sheer pain. "Sorata you're _hurting_ him!"

"He won't stop squirming," Sorata called back, and Subaru's tired movements grew more sluggish and weak. It was because of this that the monk could pull him up into his arms as if he were only a small child, letting the Sumeragi lean against him as he attempted carrying him. But Subaru didn't want to be hauled away, and this fueled more energy. He squirmed roughly once more, reaching out to the corpse, Sorata's forearm pressing to his throat – making agonizing pain erupt there, but he disregarded it, just as well as he was disregarding everything else. Gagging, gasping, coughing, Subaru felt the wind being strangled from his lungs as he tried desperately to get a grip on himself once again. A few more people had entered the room now, and one in particular rushed towards him and took his arm with one hand, a syringe in the other, and briefly inserted an orange liquid into his body.

He continued to struggle whist the syringe was still inserted, and the glass needle s_napped_, causing blood to squirt out. The same man who had inserted it tried to get a hold his arm, but Subaru had twisted himself in Sorata's arms so that his back was down and his legs were folded. With his left leg he kicked Sorata squarely in the jaw, and was finally dropped.

Subaru tried standing, but found he couldn't do that, so tried crawling – a wave of fatigue came over him, pushing him down to the floor, beating at him. So heavy it was crushing him… And yet he still stretched out his arm to take the hem of Seishirou's shirt in his hand.

The world turned dark.

o

* * *

o

Subaru wasn't really sure when or how he had woken up.

Everything was so black, so bathed in shadows, and he was growing curious if he had passed out and awoken in the same day, after all, it had been night when he'd passed out. Annoying wires were curled beneath his skin on various parts of his body, an oxygen mask making his throat feel overly full and heavy. He wanted to wiggle away from it, rip the wires right from his body, the oxygen mask pulled from his throat; but it would probably set some alarm off, or some thing, and he needed some time to think by him self. He was also exhausted.

_Alright, so, what happened? _He ran a hand through his hair and cringed a little – it felt slick from his sweat. He needed a shower. He'd worry about that later. _I was… wandering… on Rainbow bridge… _Subaru closed his eyes and attempted relaxation, but at the same time making sure he didn't fall asleep. The pillows were so comfortable and soft…

…He would have sighed had that damned tube been not down his throat. _No, I wasn't there. That was in my dreamscape. And then there was that man, with the golden eyes and white hair. Kakyou; that was it. And he told me that I could… that I could bring Seishirou-san back by the means of a black magic Chinese spell. _

_And so I came back. And I wanted to make sure Seishirou-san's body was taken care of, but some one… Sorata… _

Subaru winced at the memory of kicking the man in the jaw. He meekly hoped he didn't cause too much damage. He couldn't recall the incident with too much clarity. It all seemed so blurry and vague; as if he were trying to depict an image in polluted water.

_Then I was drugged… I think… And… and I fell unconscious, and here I am now. _

He skimmed the room deftly. It was the same room they'd put Kamui after Shinjuku had fallen. Subaru shrugged his shoulders, trying to get some feeling back in his stiff muscles. His strength was returning incredulously slowly, but at least it was returning, he mused.

Subaru bit his lip nervously at the thought that he could have been out for _days_, maybe even one or two weeks, recovering. Seishirou's body needed to be preserved properly in order for the spell to work right. Of course, Subaru knew he was going to have to perform a healing spell for the injury on Seishirou's chest… But there was only so much he could heal, and decomposition wasn't one of them. Decomposition was some thing entirely different.

A shudder, like a trickle of water running down his spine, made the fine hairs on his neck stand. The image of Seishirou's corpse rotten was _not_ a good one. And what if they'd burned him or buried him already, whist while he was asleep? Subaru shook his head and held in a whimper, any thought of getting a bit more rest violently shoved into the back of his head so more pressing matters could immerge to submerge him.

The onmyoji tore each wire and needle from his skin hurriedly. The machines in the corner were beeping louder, annoyance increasing, their ugly green and gray monitors almost scolding him, painstakingly bright in the black room. He recognized one machine as a heart monitor, and the needle was jumping excitedly up and down the screen. He didn't care if it notified anyone. It abruptly stopped as he pulled a wire that was (apparently) attached to it from his skin, making it shriek out a long chord that signaled the patient was dead. _I can ask them what they did with him, _Subaru thought briskly, and moved to grab the oxygen mask from the strap secured against the back of his head, undoing it swiftly, and pulled the flimsy plastic tube from his throat. Not without some raspy coughing and awkwardness, of course.

A moment of yelling some where in the hallway erupted, the volume of the noise gaining rapidly as it grew ever closer and closer towards the room he resided in. Subaru rubbed his throat in the meanwhile, swallowing carefully.

It wasn't long after this that a nurse rushed into the doorway with a few surgeons in tow. The first to reach him was the nurse – a petit woman who looked nervous as she moved along the edge of his bedside, scanning him hurriedly. Subaru squinted his eyes against the shadows; making out the relieved smile that split on her face at seeing he wasn't dead. One of the surgeons turned on a light, and his pupils dilated, making his eyes water. He brought his clenched hands up to the closed sockets and rubbed at them.

"S-Sumeragi-san! You gave me – us --- quite a scare there." She was referring to the other breathless surgeons. They must have run to make it by his side, he mused. "My goodness! Look what you've done," She took a hold of his wrist, creasing his movements along his face, and pulled the curtain-like hospital gown back a little more, examing with a slight pout on her lips the irregular crimson spots dotting along his arm; some marks larger then others. She looked up into his face, frowning, "And you pulled out the oxygen mask as well… You shouldn't do this, Sumeragi-san, you need to rest af-"

"Where is Seishirou-san?" Subaru interrupted. His voice held an intensity to it, but it was also some how weak at the same time. Raspy. The nurse flinched, but with his weakened and 'flat' vision, he couldn't be sure what expression she bore. He then interjected with questions once more, "How long? How long have I… Have I slept for?"

The nurse sighed. "For 2 days. This is the night of the second day." One of the white vestige men was coming up behind the nurse, turning to stand on her left side. With a single wrist he pushed his thin rimmed glasses up his nose, glancing over the Dragon of Heaven with the same quickness as the nurse, but with added professionalism.

Subaru was hardly noticing them as this information processed in his mind. _Two days… Two days… Just as long as nothing was done with Seishirou-san, h-he… Should be fine… _He couldn't bring himself to refer to him as a 'corpse'. Realizing the nurse hadn't answered his question once that thought was over; Subaru jerked his head towards the doctor standing beside her. "Do you know what was done with Seishirou-san?"

"The corpse, right?" Subaru flinched, but nodded. Hearing Seishirou being referred to so lightly and carelessly by a nameless face made him want to tear the doctor's throat out, in spite of his usual stoic nature. Especially as an object. '_The corpse'_. "Imonoyama-sama said he would take care of it. He knew you would ask, and asked me to tell you not to worry. The corpse isn't being desecrated."

Subaru closed his eyes, thanking whatever god existed with all his heart and soul for being merciful on him, for the first time in over 10 years. Something pricked at his arm, and he flinched, opening his eyes. The nurse was reinstalling wires into his arm. The Sumeragi shifted, not enough to escape but enough to show that the contact wasn't wanted.

"You need to be hooked up, we need to monitor you." The surgeon supplied immediately. Subaru shook his head, whispering,

"There's nothing wrong with me. I just need to rest."

"You were in a_catatonia_ state, Sumeragi-san, that's not some thing we can take lightly. Depression is not some thing easily controlled, especially not extreme depression, such as is the case with you." His voice was so robotic, not even the weakest hint of concern watering his expression or tone. Subaru shook his head, dispensing the man that did not care whatsoever about him.

He was used to not being cared for, so it didn't matter - Nine years worth of being used to it.

"You do," The nurse mumbled, totally unlike the doctor, immensely worried.

"I can rest more easily without those wires crawling under my skin." He turned his thinned face away.

The surgeon was rolling his eyes, wanting to say that plenty of people could rest just as well with wires, but it seemed to do the granted effect on him otherwise. There wasn't much they could do anyway, whether or not the Sumeragi slipped back into a catatonic state or not was his decision alone, no matter what sort of medical supplement they inserted into his body - it was practically useless in the face of powerful depression. Shaking his head, he said, "Fine, but if Imonoyama-sama complains, it was your choice. But no leaving this room without notifying anyone."

Subaru forced himself to smile, and it almost hurt to fake it so utterly. "Alright. Thank you."

The nurse perked up again as the surgeon began to leave, picking along the blankets of Subaru's bed, smoothing out the rumpled fabric. "_At least_ let me bring you a glass of water and some food," She offered kindly. "Oh and," She remembered suddenly. "The other Seals seem really concerned about you. Should I notify them you've awakened, or would you like to wait until morning?"

"Til' morning." Was the weak reply, as Subaru relaxed himself and stared up at the canopy of the bed sleepily. "And no food, please. Just water is fine."

o

* * *

o

"Subaru! Thank god!" Kamui, upon sighting the onmyoji awake, had, quite firmly, placed him self on the vast river of blankets after near-flying over; squeezing Subaru tightly in an amorous hug the second he reached him.

The white onmyoji, taken aback, his hand shaking, rubbed Kamui's back gently while trying to get some air into his lungs with secrecy. Kamui was a lot stronger then he looked. Kamui noticed this (eventually) and jerked off, exclaiming, "Ah – G-Gomen nasai–"

"It's fine." Subaru smiled, wanting to show he was grateful for the affection he was being given but not necessarily bold enough to hug Kamui back. There was an awkward pause, and Subaru looked down at the bed sheets, half-wondering if he should enquire about Seishirou, while from the corner of his single green eye, glancing at Arashi, Sorata, and Yuzihira in the corner, who were observing the reunion. Had he been 16 again, he would have blushed. Thankfully he wasn't.

"How… How are you feeling?" Kamui whispered, reaching up to touch Subaru's face with his palm. Subaru immediately relaxed, closing his eyes lazily. Some thing about Kamui – perhaps it was his magical aura, or his kindness – or maybe a mixture of the two – but some thing was there that made him feel at ease, almost enough to be called peaceful.

"I'll be alright with some food and rest." He softly spoke, opening his eyes. It was a lie, but it made Kamui smile, and for that it was worth it.

"Have you eaten yet?" Sorata questioned, stepping forward and moving towards the bed. Subaru inwardly winced at the sight of the blue and black bruise running along the man's jaw line.

"Sorata –" He began, "I'm so sorry for hurting you, I ---"

"Oh! This! Ahaha," Sorata began laughing, but Kamui was giving him a weird look, so he silenced. "No, no, it's alright Subaru-san. I've certainly been through worse then a little bruise. I'm just surprised you had it in you!" His Osaka accent was practically ringing as he spoke. Kamui continued to glare at him for acting so frenzied when Subaru had _just_ come out of a catatonic state. But Subaru didn't seem to mind; and because of his damaged vision, he couldn't see Kamui's expression either. Sorata waved his hand cheerily, "That was quite a hit too! Nearly broke my jaw!"

Subaru's eyes widened for a second, and then immediately looked pained. "I did--? I'm so sorry—"

"No, no! That's a _good _thing!"

Kamui was glaring more fiercely, his amethyst eyes just hinting into a vicious yellow. _Sorata, shut the freaking hell up. _

Sorata, finally taking the hint, silenced; except for the embarrassed expression on his face. He scratched the back of his neck unconsciously. Subaru, confused, looked between Kamui and Sorata – but Kamui was no longer adorning a look of menace. Shrugging it off, Subaru decided to ignore it, and instead dipped backwards into the comfortable, engulfing ocean of blankets, snuggling profoundly into the fabrics waters. He sighed contently, half-wondering when he should enquire about Seishirou… Perhaps he should wait… Yes, he'd wait, he decided; until he could speak with Kamui more privately on the matter. It wasn't in his taste to get the other Seals involved; especially when they knew so little about his relationship with Seishirou.

He closed his eyes, fatigue settling over him like steam on thick glass. He had to relax; Subaru's mind was fuddled; with anxiety, depression, and flat out_ fear_. But nothing would happen, if he didn't go along with his actions, hoping for the best… Nothing would change at all if he didn't force things to change. He'd learn that… A long time ago.

"Hey, um," Sorata perked up cheerfully. Subaru didn't bother opening his eyes though; he could sense everyone's presences well enough to keep them closed and know exactly where they were in the room, and what they were doing, even slightly to a weak extent as what they were feeling… He didn't linger in the feelings of guilt at the knowledge they were all mildly worried. He was more concerned about Kamui; whose presence was a thick, strong concentration of electricity and an extrasensory such a bright purple in Subaru's mind that he was momentarily blinded from focusing on it. He was so attuned with Kamui, being a Dragon of Heaven, they all were – an attraction, practically magnetic, drawing him in from the base of his chest, down his back and across his shoulders, tugging him, like a doll that was harnessed and being tugged by a brunette leather strap; so secured on his body it was enough to cause deft pain if he didn't accommodate with that tug, that pull – and that electricity right now, sparking, little flecks of turquoise in a white shell, prickling at the porcelain, orbital exterior; as if they were small flashes of lightening striking the surface of a vast pond--

"Subaru-san," Subaru tore himself from his thoughts, peaking his eyes open a bit. "You haven't eaten yet, have you?" Sorata questioned, hovering over him – _when did he move?_ – And was staring at him with a concerned gaze.

The onmyoji shook his head.

Sorata reached over, patting his shoulder sympathetically, while breaking out into a grin. "Well! The girls and I will make you some thing yummy – you too Kamui –"his voice was almost reprimand, "You haven't eaten much lately either." Then he was back into the usual enthusiasm; instantly. "Nee-chan, Yuzuriha-chan, let's make them a meal they won't soon forget!"

Subaru shook his head, wanting to scoff, but also wanting to thank Sorata for his kindness. Not deciding really on either, he instead turned away so that he was lying on his right side, facing Kamui – who had moved a bit from the bed and was now leaning his back on the directly opposing wall.

They both waited for the others to exit before catching one another's stares.

They spoke each others names at the exactly the same time.

"Ahh- "Kamui blushed. "Sorry, you first."

"No, no, that's alright. I can wait."

Kamui sighed, settling himself down at the edge of Subaru's bed once more; looking the onmyoji over with a clear, acute stare. Subaru knew what he was going to ask before he asked it.

"Why... did you come back?" The tiny, effeminate fingers, much like the Sumeragi's own, reached out tentatively – lightly stroking along the forearm that had been re-wired to medical equipment that morning with a single pale thumb. Kamui then stopped, stiffening significantly, and growing upset as he whispered – "_Not_ that I didn't want you to. No. I'm just so happy that you did, but I…. I just… I thought… "He whimpered, leaning in closer, "Subaru…"

Subaru messily dug in the boundary's of his mind for an appropriate answer. He knew what he wanted to say – but the words were sundered, seemingly out of reach, their chips and pieces dropping away from an unfathomable height in a hasty mess.

Those large violet eyes were nerve wracking; two puddles of exquisite color, shining, ever bright; liquefied purple flowers blooming.

_God, those eyes… _

"I… Have a wish again."

Kamui's eyes widened, and he mouthed airily, "You do?"

Subaru bit his lower lip, nodding. "Yes, I do."

Kamui pulled gently on one of the many blankets encompassing Subaru. "Well?" He asked, hopeful, his spirits suddenly higher. "What is it? This wish you have realized you have?"

_He thinks it doesn't have to do with Seishirou…_ Subaru licked his dried lips, and stared down. _Even now, when he's gone, my existence… means nothing without him… I'm sorry Kamui. I shouldn't have let you get so close with me… I'll just end up being a disappointment for you. _

_I'm sorry. _

He really didn't want to endure the regret that would surely show on Kamui's expression at his oncoming statement. But there was nothing else that he had to say…

Nothing else to be said.

Subaru inhaled, his nerves making him shutter.

"There's a way for me to bring Seishirou-san back."

Kamui's eyes widened at first - a contrast to what Subaru had expected. But then they were – what he expected – that flinch, the distaste towards the idea, and the swirl of abundant remorseful pity. Subaru felt the hand that was gripping the sheet so near his side clench more tightly. "_So_ what? Are you going to bring him back, so he can _kill _you?" Kamui whispered, seething, water welling up in his eyes- he jerked his face away, hissing, "Is _that_ it?"

Taken aback, Subaru stared for a moment before recollecting himself. "No, no. That's not it." _Unless Seishirou-san wants to kill me after the spell is performed… I'd oblige to any wish he had. Better not say that though. _"Seishirou-san, he…" Subaru felt his teeth digging into his lip, but didn't notice how hard he was doing it until he drew blood. He covered his lips with a hand, shutting his eyes, murmuring so softly that it was nearly impossible to hear; "Before he died… He told me… He loved me." He voice choked on the last syllable, and he shut his eyes more firmly – all that pain, he was drowning in – climbing, higher an higher, a monstrous wave against him, pounding him down into jagged rocks, swallowing him, only to do it again – Tears leaked from the corners of Subaru's eyes, and he trembled as they fell. He felt a small body wrapping around him, concealing his arms against his own body, the hold of a warm embrace – Subaru shook his head, burying his face into the crook of Kamui's neck, sobbing. "He said he _loved_ me!" He whispered, hysterical, shaking his head, voice practically shrieking. "_After so long… _I couldn't even… I couldn't even, never did anything to make him feel_ happy_; and he just died with those words on his lips… And I… I feel so horrible… He may have killed—" Subaru gasped, quaking, "He may have killed my sister, he may have put me through a living _nightmare_ – but he didn't even know – didn't understand at all, and there was nothing for him with what he was doing, he just did it because he _could._ "

Subaru whimpered, finally calming, and he concentrated himself on the small fingers streaming downwards and back up his back; so soothing… His throat shook as a few last tears watered his face. The last sentences he spoke were more to him self then to Kamui, as if he hadn't quite accepted them yet – the searing fact that he was completely incapable of despising Seishirou. "I should hate him… I _know_ I should… But no matter what I do, I… I still love him so much more…"

"Subaru…" Kamui breathed into his ear, and Subaru shuddered, burrowing against Kamui's slender neck.

Kamui wanted to offer every amount of comfort he could – to tell the Sumeragi it was alright, would be alright – but how would that bring any comfort at all, when they both knew well enough it was only partially true?

So instead he settled for running gentle caress along Subaru's back, drawing his lips back tightly in a half wince as the tips settled along the hard bone of the spine, just peaking from the skin and over the cloth. He stroked it gently, sighing, closing his eyes and enjoying the lush that was Subaru's warmth – his broad body, settled against his own… He made a snap decision in his mind – _No, don't even think of it like _that_, Subaru doesn't need to deal with it right now – _He shook his head, and when the onmyoji finally seemed to have calmed, he pulled back, forcing a smile.

"Alright?"

Subaru's head was bowed, a sweep of dark silken hair over his pale features. He fingered at

the bed cloth, then looked up, trying to return the smile but unable to.

* * *

o

_Chapter 1 – Sector A – End_


	3. Slumber B

**Warnings:** Two slightly disturbing scenes, boys cuddling, small amount of vulgarism.

A/N: My god… Finally… I've finished chapter one.

Chapter two is going to be_… fun._

And thanks again to my beta, Rei Asakura, who is really supportive and a great friend. And of course.. fixes up all my grammar and spelling._  
_

o

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o

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_Chapter 1 – Slumber_ (Sector B)

o

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o

o

o

Subaru followed Imonoyama down the dark corridors of the laboratory lethargically, his green and white eye flickering, watching purple shadows dance across the bare wall – and then turned to look at the other side, the long rectangular windows covering the opposite, winding downward as the hallway sank and spiraled slowly, unraveling itself to the two men. Imonoyama cast a glance back at Subaru, half-smiling, looking a little perplexed, and Subaru stared at him briefly, before turning his face back to the windows.

Past the glass boundaries were scientists - working frantically in darkened rooms - large machinery lying sprawled out before them; cords like enormous snakes wound about the room, uncoiled and flaccid - some smaller wires snaking out beside them, beneath them – blue, blacks and grays, and the floors a gleaming white marble, turning grey in the shadows. Subaru mutely pondered what they were up to – but he wasn't about to ask - he wasn't eager to participate in a conversation with Imonoyama-san. Despite the fact the man had done so much for him, as well as for all the dragons of heaven (_am I even one anymore_, Subaru wondered melancholically), they'd never really spoken to each other, and knew very little to nothing of one another.

Instead of musing that brief earlier question, he continued staring at the men in white suits as he walked onward, his green eye shutting closed every few seconds from strain – then back open, as the colors danced in a fluid sonata about his lips and cheeks, catching in his green eye, making it burn with the reflection of color. Hues of those large screens, of the devices that were being reassembled – most of them resembled large movie theater screens. The onmyoji looked away, suddenly uninterested by the display, instead contenting himself to watch as Imonoyama pulled out a long strap with keys, swinging it, making them jangle in the nerve wracking silence. Subaru's pulse was a dull beat in his own ears.

Finally, they reached a break in hallway. A break on their left, right, and then straight on – all three were shortened, padded hallways without windows, leading to metal doors. Since Subaru was blind in his left eye, he had to turn his face to examine the other door, but it didn't matter that he did since Imonoyama was edging towards the one ahead, one hand digging through the chain of keys as he did. Subaru slipped along the wall, his back resting against a particularly large cushion of the parlor padding, biting his lip and not watching as a silver key was inserted into the long door handle and the door pushed inward with a slight grunt.

The onmyoji shivered, blinking, inhaling deeply, his heart acquiring a faster pace, as the silver light created a deep mauve puddle on the floor. He stepped into it, doing his best not to look too fretful. Imonoyama looked back at him from over his shoulder as he held the door ajar.

"Are you certain you want to..?"

"Yes."

There was no further interrogation. With a sigh, Imonoyama beckoned the Sumeragi in with his large hand, who, after a second's pause, obliged, his slender form angled and sliding past the man elegantly.

The room wasn't at all much different from the ones he'd been observing earlier, Subaru noted, glancing around, his concentration far more fixated on located some thing (_some one_) of greater importance to him then the décor of the laboratory. The scientists all stiffened from their work at the sight of Imonoyama and the onmyoji.

A chill raked through the Sumeragi's body, entwining with his tingling nerves and squirming insides, and he rubbed his arms, trying to smooth out the forming goose bumps, along with the speed of his pulse. The room was _freezing. _Along with a deteriorating temperature, it was incredulously black in the laboratory, as it had been with the others, save for the large bits of machinery that were turned on, providing the only lighting.

"Cold!" Imonoyama exclaimed, rubbing his hands together while looking around. He moved in brisk, quick steps, as if trying to escape the frigid air - while approaching a short, stubby man with a notepad. They both exchanged bows, and the man took a quick glance at Subaru before whispering some thing to Imonoyama, who nodded.

The scientist then brushed past him, and made his way towards Subaru. "The thirteenth head, it's a pleasure," he murmured, bowing his head.

Subaru returned the bow, though said nothing.

"Let me lead you to him – " The man offered, giving a slight, wan smile as he straightened. Subaru sighed in relief. Thank goodness, no more formalities.

It didn't take long for them to reach their destination. It was rather difficult to see in such a poorly lit room, and Subaru's eye continuously blinked in aggravation – even though both appeared to be strained; only one of them was. He shut his glass eye, rubbing his fingers over the lid, and then pulling his hand back, barely acknowledging the subconscious movement. He still wasn't used to it.

They both moved through an ample open doorway, and the temperature disintegrated downward even further. Subaru shakily breathed, watching the ghostly powder air forming in a wispy puff at each exhale about his pale lips. Thankfully, this room was much better lit, a white illumination coating the interior, though it still was a strain to see properly, if now for being too bright.

Subaru stilled.

There was a long, container-like piece of equipment centered in the middle of the room, at least 8 feet in length, 6 feet in width, and another 3 feet in height. It was hued a striking dull blue, as clean as new glass, and cast off every reflection, glistening at every movement, shining back each reflection like a newly polished mirror. Subaru stared, biting his lip; but from his poise and angle, Subaru was unable to look into it, to loom over and see what he wished to – what was locked inside. The scientist turned back, nodding, allowing what he knew the other wanted – and Subaru stepped forward, whispering the kindest thank you (though a bit hastily) he could muster before he slowly - apprehensively - thinned the distance between himself and the container.

It was freezing to the touch, and frost had gathered along the edges of thick lid on top, sealing it further shut. Subaru trailed the back of his wrist across it, wiping the moisture and frost from the edges, ignoring the searing sensation of bustling coldness that numbed in a powerful slap of sensation, right along the backs of his hands. He then leant downward, shifting the sleeve of his long black shirt around so that the arm of it slid down to his hand. Tucking the fabric against his palm, he brushed at the glass, revealing what was inside.

He bit his lip harder, forcing himself not to turn away in horror.

Seishirou looked like a manikin. A frozen, life sized doll, with pale blue lips and hair that was unrealistically shimmering from the thin crystalline ice that had gathered and coated him in a slim film. His lips were glossy with frost, as if some one had applied a lotion to them, as did the rest of his face – completely inhuman-looking, android and robotic-like. Or even… he could have been a sculpture, lying there, a doll, flaccid, rather then a real human, and Subaru suddenly had a distant, although powerfully compelling urge to pry the lid open and touch the face, just to be certain it was real – he could already feel that slick, biting coldness of ice as he massaged the jaw of the dead face -

He stopped his hands as soon as they started fumbling with the lid, using all the self control he had to ball them into fists and shove them in his pockets, looking away, feeling unshed tears in his one eye.

_Seishirou… _

He blinked his eyes open, placing both palms firmly on the glass.

_I'm going to get you out of there. I'm going to get out of there, and bring you back here... _

_... here with me…._

_I swear it._

Subaru looked behind him, back towards the doctor who was staring intently, propped up against the cold wall. He'd practically forgotten the man was there. Regaining himself, he turned fully to face the man, removing his chilled hands, and bowed his head in true gratitude; a deep bow, not a mere tip of his head.

"Thank you, for all you've done."

The doctor nodded, giving a small grin, though the onmyoji didn't see it.

"It's the least we could do, after all, you're a Dragon of Heaven - you've earned to be treated with the utmost respect. Imonoyama-san thinks so as well." Subaru glanced hesitantly back at the tank after rising, though didn't turn his body towards it otherwise.

"When would you…" He was choosing his words guardedly. "Like us to… move him?"

The onmyoji was much more grateful for the carefully chosen words then he allowed to show.

"I'll contact Imonoyama, who will in turn contact you. I'm not sure when." He licked his lips, which had abruptly gone dry. He'd seen all he'd wanted to.

"Alright then. We'll take good care of him." Subaru's white and green countenance wandered back to the man in the white suit. He faltered for a moment. "Promise." The man smiled. The onmyoji's stare was still barren, but he soon moved, walking towards the other. The man patted him on the back when the onmyoji reached him, a tranquil reassurance, and then

guided the young man out of the room.

o

o

In a matter of hours, Subaru Sumeragi had gathered every book that had any information regarding Chinese spells, or black magic in general that had been in close proximity. Unfortunately, this certainly wasn't a lot, of course – not in his retrospective, anyway, but enough to cover a good amount of space on his desk and on his bed. Well, _of course_ it wasn't a lot, Subaru thought… All the magic the Seals used was clean in a sense, pure, like clear water, as opposed to the murky, menacing poison dark magic was. To Subaru's surprise, it'd been Sorata who'd had the most books expanding on black magic, explaining in glee as he dumped what he had in Subaru's arms, "it's always good to know your enemy!" Subaru shook his head. It was good the monk didn't ask any questions, and just seemed content enough that Subaru was doing "much better" now. The onmyoji scoffed.

He'd also pulled out a few of his own books off their long ago disregarded shelves, cleaning the dust off with his sleeve hastily as he flipped through them, their old bindings creaking in protest as he skimmed their glossaries. He'd seriously doubt there was anything in his own area of magic that could give him some more information regarding the spell… After all, this was deep, very intricate, dark magic. He chucked the book back on the shelf, almost angered it would be of no use.

He did not permit himself to rest for any amount of minutes, as he recalled Kakyou's clear warnings –

"_If you wait too long, the spell will be impossible to perform, because the Sakurazukamori's soul may have strayed out too far from grasp. And if he were to be tugged at such a distant, it would cause him immense pain, enough to simply kill him again upon awakening." _

Subaru thought there was some thing more to that – that he could, if he willed, cause Seishirou enough damage to even his spirit, his essence, and ruin his soul. He shuddered at the thought, clenching his teeth together and digging through books, the ones that proved useless already thrown on the floor, bindings splayed out like the wings of broken birds. Their pages flapped in protest when the rare breeze willed its way through Subaru's open windows.

He also knew that he couldn't allow Seishirou's body to deteriorate, because at that point, healing abilities wouldn't work, unless mingled with the cruelest of alchemy.

Subaru shook the thought off. _No._

o

o

o

_Taimaiso_ was the spell's name. To Subaru, that was puzzling, considering the names of Chinese spells were usually rather short. That and the fact it did not sound very much like modern Chinese. But the spell was old, pulled from ancient times, and Subaru figured it had sounded like what modern Chinese was at that time - when it was created, or discovered, or whatever the case may have been.

The sun wasn't even setting, and Subaru had finished up with all the books in his room, deeming them all inadequate. He piled Sorata's books up (he hadn't put these on the floor earlier) and placed them on his desk, making a mental note to return them when he had time.

Just noticing how far the sun had risen, Subaru moved the short distance from his futon to the window, looking out at the near cloudless, pink and burgundy sky. He sighed, a breeze brushing his bangs away from his forehead, like the caress of a soft hand, slicking back his hair… He leaned his stomach to the windows railing, ignoring the press in his abdomen, weaving an image in his stupor of Seishirou's fingers, skimming across face, fleeting touches that were hardly discernible, so like the gentle breeze, a loving, elegant press he could sleep to – an amorous lullaby on his skin. Subaru's face scrunched, contorted with pain, as the wind swept away, destroying his illusion. His eyes peered open, and he shifted from the window pane. The onmyoji knew he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, or any other night beyond this one, until he was through. Also knowing he would need some _serious_ caffeine, or form of intoxication to keep him up for the amount of time he intended to stay up, he exited his room, shutting the pine door carelessly behind him, and walked down a flight of stairs, moving towards the living room in brisk motions.

Luckily, it was empty. That was right – everyone one was at school. It seemed so odd, that he was the oldest of all the Seals living in the Imonoyama mansion. Subaru sat down at the dinning room table, his elbows pressed to the surface, a cheek resting against a single palm, as the other hand tapped the table, constructing a small beat on his tendons.

He contemplated the situation. Kakyou had mentioned a few books to him, but he wasn't sure where he could locate them. He'd probably find some at the clan library in Kyoto… But he wasn't eager to travel all the way there, and he also didn't want to be drawn back by his grandmother. He sighed, rubbing his temples, standing up and getting himself a glass of water. With his free hand, he plucked at the pack of cigarettes in his jeans.

Cool water traveled down his throat, sating him. He sighed.

Looks like he'd be making a trip to Kyoto.

o

o

The train whistled; a screech of a sound, as black smoke puffed out in large quantities from its chimney. Subaru was watching it expel into the air from his seat within the train cart - watching the clear sky as it turned smoldering with pollution before it thinned, only to disintegrated out into a warm French grey, and as the people at the station paid it no heed – men in suits with briefcases, brightly dressed girls on colorful cell phones, jabbering wildly, a group of children poking at a balloon, giggling - people laughing, talking, moving along – in an endless ventilation of life.

Subaru shook his head, turning away, as the train station grew into a blur as the machine moved onward. He looked around the cart thoughtfully, examining the people with dulled eyes. A woman, looking in her early 20's, maybe even a teenager, was staring at him, which took him by slight surprise. She quickly averted her face upon being discovered, a nervous thrill on her face, while whispering some thing to her friend next to her, the two of them giddy as they spoke to each other. Subaru caught the words 'him' and 'sexy' in the midst of the conversation. Had he been 16 years old, he would have blushed furiously, but since he was not, he merely turned his attentions away, fumbling around with his pack of cigarettes, suddenly wishing for a smoke. The girls were still giggling, and he could see them peeking glances at him still at the corner of his one good eye.

He opened the pack and closed it.

_Sorry girls, _

He slipped a cigarette in and back out.

_But I'm gay. _

The ride itself proved to be most uncomfortable, since more then half the time, those girls were watching him, their eyes alight with inquisitiveness, ambiguity, and a mischief that painfully reminded Subaru of Hokuto. It made the onmyoji want to flinch, and after a few more minutes of dealing with it, he simply chose to completely focus on the movement of the cart, watching idly as the towering buildings grew into grayed blurs and smudges. Trees sprang, seemingly out of no where, and the sunset was settling in a red, bloody horizon, making the onmyoji uneasy. Subaru outlined his own weary reflection in the glass, tapping at it with a pallor hand, flexing the finger out to curve around the image of his jaw line. He hoped this wouldn't take long, and then pondered back shortly to the note he'd left on the dining room table for the seals.

---

_Making a trip to Kyoto to visit the clan library. If you need to contact me you have my cell phone number. I should be back by tomorrow. _

_-Subaru _

_---_

The Sumeragi's only real reason for leaving a note was the obvious fact that all the Seals were fretting over him. It was uncomfortable, and annoying, but he knew they meant no harm. But it seemed like they thought he could slip back into a catatonia state if left alone for too long, and thus, were giving him extra care and attention (That is, whenever he decided to leave his room). Sorata had actually _implied_ on him seeing a psychiatrist. Subaru both marveled and winced at the ridiculousness of the notion._ No _psychiatrist could fix his problems.

What seemed like minutes to the onmyoji's eternal cycle of musings - was hours. Subaru drew back and forth between thoughts of the Seals, regarding them all and their caring for him with gloomy melancholy, before he was back on musing of Seishirou, the spell intermingling in between. The train slowed as it reached its stop, and Subaru stood, his feet half-asleep, still groggy from the ride as he tentatively edged down the slender hallway and off onto the platform. The night air was a cool tickle along his skin, trickling down the back of his neck like a chilling liquid, ruffling out his shirt. He shivered helplessly, momentarily aching for his old coat - the one that had been ruined on Rainbow Bridge.

He shuddered, blinking out in the night, whisking a mosquito away from his face as he strode from the platform to a row of booths, his eyes trailing across the signs that listed when trains would be arriving and leaving for various destinations. The place was surprisingly vacant. " **6/12 – 3:00pm – Tokyo** " caught his attention, and he looked at the man sitting at the booth, looking bored, a magazine in his hand and a cigarette in his mouth.

"Uh… Excuse me, sir?" The man looked up. Subaru looked back up at the same time, and pulled his wallet from his jean pocket, flapping the leather that sealed it apart. "Could I purchase a ticket for the 3pm train to Tokyo?"

"All alone?" The gruff voice ask, the bulky figure standing from his spot, stretching his arms.

"… Yes."

Subaru paid for his ticket, glad to be done with that, and walked off from the oddly barren station, his boots clinking against cold cobblestones. He reached the end of the vertical row of booths, moving to a pay phone, and entered it, the glass creaking as the door folded inward and then closed. The onmyoji pulled out his cell phone and dialed the clan's number, his other hand folding the ticket and placing it in his pocket.

o

o

His grandmother had been most surprised when he'd called, her usual stoic voice pausing, though she agreed to calling out a limo to pick him up. In a matter of minutes he was at his old home.

Subaru had almost forgotten what the place had looked like… He walked the pathway down the Koi ponds, the small greenery dripping with dew drops, as the man who'd driven him lead him to the traditionally styled home, humble, speaking, but the onmyoji wasn't listening.

Finally, the man shooed himself away when they reached the open doorway, his grandmother sitting in her wheelchair, looking over him neutrally. "Come inside." She offered, looking off to the side of her where a girl was standing, who hopped up at being notified and shuffled to the wheelchair, pushing the old woman carefully indoors. Subaru removed his shoes, and then followed shortly thereafter.

o

o

Thankfully, his grandmother hadn't been much inclined to speaking and prodding and 'I wish you well' tonight. Subaru immensely doubted she even knew about the catatonic state he'd been in. They'd gone straight to the point, Subaru immediately telling her he was simply there to use the library, and his grandmother, not questioning, had calmly conducted a trusted servant of the clan to fetch the keys for the room and lead the 13th head there. _Useless propriety_, Subaru had thought. He knew where the library was.

Subaru's eyes wandered around the massive room – well, _some_ of it had changed in here. It was a dome shaped; unique from the usual traditional homing styling of Japan, and paintings on the wall spiraled in a creamy substance, twirling down from the tip of the ceiling to the ivory carpeted floors. The carpets were all very obviously hand-made, birds scrawled into the fabric seams, their beaks open, appearing to be screeching and crying out, which was ironic considering libraries were supposed to be a representation of tranquility. There were a few addition of shelves, since Subaru had been here last – shelves custom-made to match the room, propped up against the wall, curved to lean against it, their black feet placed in front of them - keeping them from toppling over. It was still a miracle books didn't continuously fall out.

The servant looked at Subaru, waiting for a second, to see if the man would command him, and then turned away, flicking on a switch. Illumination filtered across the shelves in an instant, brightening the neutral grays into their natural yellow and creamy tint, dim pastel light roaming hungrily down the walls like paint. They'd installed some technology in the room… Subaru recalled when he was younger having to light candles before entering this place.

"You may leave." He said calmly, and the servant bowed.

"Thank you master Sumeragi." The man handed Subaru the keys. "Would you like me to lock the door?"

"No, just keep it unlocked, "Subaru half mumbled, his eyes not even looking at the servant anymore, as he squinted to observe some titles. _There has to be some thing here I can use_, he thought desperately.

"…Good day then." Subaru heard the rough slide as the glass doors slid open and were shut.

The onmyoji sighed, steeping forth, to the center of the room, which was barren. There was only a single window in the room, a good few feet across from him, revealing the deep shadow of the night; devoid of clouds, but bursting with the speckled dots of stars and a tiny crescent moon, half hidden behind clouds... Subaru approached it, skimming over the oval-shaped glass... Night made Subaru think about a lot of things – it made him reflect on lonesome times, sitting in an empty apartment, scrawled across his bed in only a flimsy T-shirt and shorts, cigarette in hand, as he peered up at the sky and wondered mutely if a certain some one else was looking at the moon as well… It made him think of a distant memory, so far away from him that he could barely outline it, like gold hidden in black water… A night spent in Tokyo Tower in the arms of some one strong and warm, making him feel _wanted_, protected. A day even _further_ from that; with a person whose imagemirrored his own - green eyes excited and beaming, as they took his hands, pointing eagerly, ranting on how nice it would be if there was a moon every night to look at…

Subaru shook from his reverie.

There was no time to waste.

He jerked himself away from the window, and began stalking around the shelves.

o

o

It was, without a doubt, the best thing that had happened to him in years.

Well, probably not the best… But Subaru was still incredibly relieved.

He'd managed to find the book on Chinese spells Kakyou had mentioned in his clan's library – deeply hidden in a dusty crack, its frame near falling apart. It was old, and the thick cloud of dust that imitated from it upon opening it told Subaru that it hadn't been touched in years, perhaps even a good number decades.

There was a note scrawled on the inside, along the introduction, in sharp Japanese kanji – A date, a time, and a place. Subaru wondered if it was significant. Trailing his fingers down the lettering, he figured, remotely, that it was probably where and when the book had been purchased. It had probably been rather expensive.

However relieved Subaru was, unfortunately, was quickly struck down with more worry. The kind of worry that made Subaru want to squirm uneasily, his insides crawling like worms

- feeding him an uneasy, loud spark of impending danger.

A breath trembled out of his throat.

_The book was in Chinese. _

Now, while Subaru _could_ read a great deal of Chinese, write, and even speak in, as it was required of him being the clan head – since many of the spells he used where in-fact Chinese originated – this was slightly _beyond_ his abilities.

The style of writing was extremely old. Well, things could be worse, had Subaru not decided in his years of searching for Seishirou to touch up on _that_ rusty skill… But it still put him in a bad spot. Of course, he'd managed to find a few translation books in the clan library, and he had taken them all… But translating a book took a lot of time. And the section of the book containing the outline for the spell was… Subaru flipped open the flap, the pages failing out… A good… 40 pages long?

Subaru shook his head, closing the book, and slipping it into the gray messenger bag his grandmother had graciously offered him, to help him carry the stack of books he'd gathered. The onmyoji ran a hand through his hair, a habit explicating his tense mind, as a strip of gust burst from the open train window beside him, breathing heavily around the silky strands of black, leaving them faintly askew and cold. Subaru bit his lower lip lightly, glancing at the messenger bag, running his white hands across the fabric: as if afraid it would simply disappear into the cushion on the seat, never to be seen again. With how things were torn away from him so often, he mused bitterly, he wouldn't be surprised.

_I'm being ridiculous._ He thought, glancing at the bag every few seconds. Then finally, he tugged it onto his lap by the strap, wrapping his arms around it and hugging it close, giving his stupor a little rest.

o

o

Rippling, rippling. An endless black sea, stretching far beyond the naked eye could tell, though it was as calm as a leisure pond, flat and steady. The only evidence pointing towards that it was indeed water were the miniscule tides wrinkling across the dark surface in wide circles. But then again, it wasn't_ real_ water.

Monou Fuuma, also known currently as the Kamui of the Dragons of Earth, stepped forth, though his large boots were soundless on the illusionary floors, even his breath silent, so quiet it appeared he wasn't breathing at all. His red eyes narrowed in concentration, a rare sight, as they flickered around, searching the premises of the masked dreamscape in a startling fast instant. His body jerked forth, his back straight, appearing calm, as he moved in a speed that made the black of the water seem blacker, the 'ceiling' and 'walls' blurring together as he was pushed onward so quickly the surrounding area looked like a messy canvas dripping with shadowy oil paint.

He suddenly halted. There was no sound, not even the sound of itself breaking as motion was pulled from an intense speed to an abrupt pause. Kakyou was now before him, his eyes their usual lifeless undertone - and he barely turned his neck to regard Fuuma as he watched as orbs formed from within the watery depths, their spherical shapes spiraling, playing out and whispering to him a story not even the Dragon of Earth Kamui could hear or see.

"Kakyou," Fuuma's deep voice was an undulation in Kakyou's ear, drowning a portion of his senses out.

Kakyou did not turn to him, still.

The deadly teenager let a smirk slip across his masculine features, and he stepped towards the dreamseer, kneeling down to the man's level on the 'water' or 'floor' or whatever name it could have been given at this point.

"You helped the Sumeragi. Thrice now, you have helped the Dragons of Heaven."

Kakyou turned weary eyes on the other man, though internally, he struggled somewhat. "Do you disapprove?"

"Not particularly." The Dragon of Earth replied levelly, careless. Kakyou frowned.

"Why is it you let me do as I please, even when I'm betraying the Dragons of Earth, whom I'm supposed to be loyal to?" He knew the Dragons' of Earth Kamui didn't care when he spoke to the other Kamui, but this was Sumeragi Subaru. This wasn't the other Kamui. It made it seem more as if he was willing to help all the other Seals… It made matters nasty for him, to say the least, considering he really _didn't_ care about the other Dragons of Heaven nearly as much as he cared for Hokuto's brother, and for the other Kamui, who had had misery bestowed upon him at such a young age… He was sympathetic to the boy.

"I hardly consider it betrayal, Kakyou," Fuuma dipped his head towards one of the globes, watching the surface somehow managed to gleam yellow in the blackness, turning leisurely, as if it was its own little planet revolving around an unknown sun and moon. _In a way_, it was.

Fuuma touched the orb with the tip of his fingers, and it shuttered away from his caress, like a quivering, small animal… "If or if not Sakurazuka manages to live through that… a spell was it? And live again, the Sumeragi is no threat to the Dragons of Earth. He hardly has any will to fight for anything. And the onmyoji won't fight anymore _anyway_, since you graciously told him his altered fate might be re-twisted by an unknown force… since he was _supposed_ to stay out of the battle's length… Since Sakurazuka was _supposed_ to die. Fate is a cruel player."

Kakyou looked at the other man with his yellow, cat-like eyes for a short second before turning towards the floating, crystalline globes, lifting a frail wrist, the light blue veins showing clearly through his alabaster skin, as if he were transparent - the silk from his clothing sliding down to his elbow - and he stroked at the glassy covering with a tired hand. The globe did not turn away from him as it did with the angel before Kakyou.

Fuuma smiled, softer now, almost sincere, but the dreamseer knew far better. "By doing this, you may grant that girl's wish… _Sumeragi Hokuto_, the girl you loved? You also may grant the Sakurazukamori's wish - his _real _wish, behind that ridiculousness of wanting Sumeragi-kun to be his heir. He probably wasn't aware of his own wish, at all, even in his final moments of life… A shame, really," Fuuma sat up, standing, his full body height hovering over Kakyou like a storm cloud. "The Sakurazukamori was a veryintelligent man. And yet he was completely blind to his own wants and desires.

…Of course, though… if the Sakurazukamori gets in the way of the battle, I'll have to eliminate him."

Kakyou's eyes saddened, and he murmured, "He won't get involved… " Although he sounded unsure himself.

"Do you really believe he'll heed in your warning, the warning the Sumeragi will surely pass on to him? I don't think so. He won't stand idly by if the Sumeragi is attacked, not _this _time," Fuuma grinned to himself, a profound anticipation, like a weak adrenalin rush, building inside him, at the knowledge that he might be seeing the other angel again.

He had greatly liked Seishirou, enjoyed the melancholic rhythm of the man's complex and seemingly 'stable' mind. While most people's minds were still a challenge to read through, were easier, depending on how 'good' or 'pure' or 'clean' the persons intentions and thoughts were, down to the pit of their _spirits_. Seishirou was just the opposite of all that, the complete opposite of sweet idealism, far behind that attractive mask he displayed for society. Sumeragi Subaru was easy to read, despite his 'tainted' mind, as he _himself_ referred to – it was still was like looking through a plastic bag, clear and utterly unmistakable. Out of all of them, angel and seal alike, Subaru was the easiest to decipher, right next to Kamui. Fuuma had immediately been able to see what the onmyoji had wished for when they had encountered one another at Sunshine 60 - the mere second he had looked at him.

Though while Subaru's mind was as clear as purified water, Seishirou's mind had a vastness, a macabre, poignant void, very bleak but organized. It was like an eternal section of hallways, of pale doorway after pale doorway, getting darker when he delved deeper into the heart of the 'building' - as enormous as one of the very metropolis buildings of Tokyo, as dizzy and seemingly endless as a mechanical labyrinth - and as skillfully crafted as the most refined architecture, left for the higher classes of society to anchor on. Though behind most doors, there was nothing, just emptiness; just an empty room with the same white floors and walls and ceilings as any other regular room, no significances, no belief, no _feeling,_ not even a crushed down, choked belief that was suppressed within the capture of the interior. There was a cold darkness, in those rooms – a coldness that was left like a bad aftertaste, uneasy and bitter on his throat, but only half-realized, one side of him knowing there was _supposed_ to be some thing in that mind, the other debating if it was a problem or not, if the queasy sensation growing in his chest was even there. Fuuma enjoyed Seishirou's thoughts. It was one of the few challenges he had, to analyze it.

But deeper yet, in those hallways, in those rooms – it lead to one thought – one place – one fixated concentration that the rest of the rooms pillared on, as centered as the outline of the mans basic instinct and personality, interlocked with his soul, and without that one vital support to rest over everything else would collapse.

The 13th head of the Sumeragi clan.

_I wonder what you would do, Sumeragi Subaru, _what _on _earth_ you would think… _ Fuuma was leaving the dreamscape, not leaving a goodbye for the dreamseer. They were far past such pleasantries. _If you knew that the Sakurazukamori depends on your existence as much as you depend on his. Even if he hasn't _realized _it, if you were to completely leave his grasp, he would do more then simply die. _

_Death is simple. _

_In death, the body only creases functioning, and the mind sleeps into afterlife. _

_But... _Fuuma stood, his back propped to the elevator, leading him down to the government basement.

_When the _mind_ dies, when the_ soul_ and_ spirit _are broken…_

…_It's a different issue entirely. _

The elevator rang as it opened.

o

o

Subaru's fingers skidded articulately across the old yellow pages, his one eye soaking in word after word. With his free hand, he fingered at the translation book at his desk top, squinting at the Chinese text, a frown creasing across his lips. He glanced at the translation book, moving his chair just slightly so he could be between the two books rather then just in front of one, and pulled out a piece of paper, his hand swiftly copying the word and then its Japanese translation beside it.

There was no way, at all, that Subaru would be able to memorize the entire outline of it, the complete, intricate structure of the wording and of the different positioning, the unique rituals and complex hand motions of the entire spell. How he was even going to _begin_ to conquer so much dark ki was some what beyond him at the moment, but he _would_ find a way. It was not as difficult as it had been when he'd first erected a kekkai, so he could make it through it. He _would_ make it through it. If he could erect a kekkai to protect Seishirou, he could perform a mere spell for him also.

Subaru jumped the wooden chair back, and it squeaked in protest for an instant. A second longer, Subaru's gaze lingered on a single page, an illustration of a particular positioning he was completely unfamiliar with. Subaru drew his hands together, supplely, with the grace of a professional – starting first with his index fingers and crossing them over together, and then crossing over his thumbs, the rest of his fingers trembling lightly, straining from the positioning, but he managed it. Concentrating, he read over the line in Chinese, the ink mocking him powerfully. In one breath, he whispered it hotly, a forced echo of sound - soon feeling the tremors of dark energy gathering in his lungs and snaking down his arms. His whole form convulsed with it, his mind momentarily blinded, unused to handling the dark energy he was calling. It moved down his wrists, freezing and slimy, like giant slugs trailing over his skin and crawling towards his hands, straining them, causing the trembling to worsen. The fingers locked powerfully together, the purple energy gathering at his fingertips, booming in a dark violet, the force in synch with his pulse, and then growing violently hotter, molten, thick and heavy like lava, but it didn't burn -

Subaru let out a sigh and wretched his fingers apart, letting the magic fade in a loud popping cackle that sparkled in front of him momentarily in tiny purple dots before fading.

There was then a meek, tentative knocking on his door.

Subaru watched it, for a second, before turning back to the worn book and asking, "Yes?"

"Subaru, it's me, Kamui." The soft voice whispered, sounding a bit hesitant. Subaru smiled weakly and stood up, making his way towards the door, unlocking it, and then opening it fully.

The small dragon of heaven looked up at him nervously; his amethyst eyes shining white from the overhead hallway light, more lucent then usual. In his hands, there was a small bowl of steaming stew, the scent wafting upward in short curls - incredibly sweet and intoxicating. There was a smaller bowl of white rice beside it on the tray Kamui was carrying, along with some chopsticks. "I brought you dinner," Kamui explained hurriedly.

"Thank you." Subaru replied, voice soft, and moved out of the way. Kamui listened to the silent offer and walked through the doorway. "You can put that on… Hm..." Most of the places that were normally empty were covered with books. Subaru moved a few books from a small shelf he had and neatly lined them up, saying, "You can put the food there," while he placed them on the bed.

Kamui did as he was told, watching the other man out of the corners of his eyes. Subaru sat down on the futon, and gestured for Kamui to sit beside him. Kamui once more, obeyed, then folded up his legs and hugged them to his chest as he gave the Sumeragi a sidelong glance.

"So… "

"So… " Kamui replied. "I wanted to talk to you."

"I figured."

"Are you going to eat? It'll get cold…" The teenager mumbled, looking over at the soup sitting harmlessly on the shelf beside Subaru's work desk. Subaru shook his head.

"Later."

"Alright… Um… How's the research coming along?"

"Well enough." Subaru shifted backward on the futon, so that he could press his back up against the wall behind him. He closed his white and green eyes, sighing.

"You look exhausted."

"I haven't slept in awhile…" Subaru brought his hands to his face, and rubbed beneath his eyes. Truth was he hadn't been paying attention at all to his own physical state, until he'd just relaxed right now and sat down on the futon. If he just shifted again, he could be lying down… Subaru snapped at himself for the thought. It would be _too_ easy to fall asleep.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"At Kyoto, the night before yesterday's… For four hours or so. It's not so bad… I could go without sleep for another day… Or two…" The thought was agonizing. He opened his eyes again, to see Kamui was observing him, his face scrunched up in sadness. "Don't worry about me," Subaru said, waving his hand. "I've been through worse." _A lot worse, _He thought.

"Subaru… I wanted to ask you… Do you think that I, I could've… Brought Kotori back, back then… If I did the same thing you're doing?"

"… I don't think so, Kamui. Not with how she was killed." Subaru said, after a moment. He was referring to how destroyed her body had been afterwards. It was pretty… un-repairable… He wasn't quite sure still, with how well he could even do the healing on Seishirou's body, and that was a really nagging, painful thought, mostly in the back of his head.

Kamui downcast his face, and then let go of the legs he'd been holding against his chest, scooting closer to the onmyoji. Subaru tensed for an instant, but it was only that, as Kamui snuggled up contently against his arm, his head dipped to the side to rest against the young mans shoulder blade. Kamui was looking down at the plaid blue and grey blankets as he asked, "Is there anything I can do? To help you?"

"I don't want to put you in any danger," Subaru said, immediately. "This is some thing _I_ want. You don't have to be involved."

"Oh _please_, Subaru. I'm in danger 24-7. Every time I go outside, I'm in danger of being throbbed to death by Fuuma or by some other Dragon of Earth."

"…" The onmyoji didn't want to agree with the statement. Unfortunate enough as it was, it was true. He struggled uncomfortably.

"So please? Let me help you." Kamui asked, and clung onto Subaru's pants, his eyes anxious and yet intensely indomitable. Their gazes met, and neither of them faltered. Subaru was contemplating it… What _would _Kamui be able to do? He was questing into those profound, blue-violet debts, as if his answer lingered there… And then, abruptly, he broke the gaze.

"I won't forgive myself, if you get hurt."

"You won't have to, since I won't." Subaru could almost hear the smile in his voice. It was rarely ever there. The onmyoji pivoted his face back towards the teenager… and then sighed.

"Alright. You can help. But I don't know what you can do."

"I can't help with actually performing it, can I?"

Subaru wistfully shook his head, and leant against the smaller young man. Kamui was incredibly warm, his body so soft and comforting… _I'm so tired. _Subaru thought fleetingly, covering up a yawn with one of his hands. "It needs to be done… by just one person. The ritual will take about an hour, or so. Do you want to stay and maybe… watch? For when it's over, help me get Seishirou-san up to the hospital or call Imonoyama-san?"

"Alright." Subaru smiled.

"Then that's really enough for me." Kamui skidded away from the onmyoji – and he was moving towards the end of the futon, uncurling his legs to stand and stretch his arms high. He looked back towards the Sumeragi, who was starting to stand also.

"I should leave you to your work, then. I'm probably bothering you."

"You're never a bother." The onmyoji replied. Kamui grinned cheekily.

"Make sure to eat, Subaru." The dragon of Heaven gestured his hand towards the bowls of food as he exited the room.

o

o

After Kamui had left his room, then onmyoji _had_ eaten, surprisingly enough. He was sure not to eat too much, in case he became full and grew more tired then he already was. But afterwards, he felt invigorated, and then engaged in a swift, cold shower to exhilarate his energized state.

Subaru was now drying off in the bathroom, slipping the white towel around each of his naked legs, the cloth hungrily devouring each minuscule droplet of water still sticking onto his pallid skin. He then brought it back to his face, ruffling it through backwards into his dark strands of hair, before deciding that he was dried enough to put his clothes on. He folded up the towel, placing it on the sink – and took his shorts in one hand, crouching over as he slid each leg through the cloth. His mind was elsewhere.

He'd managed to read the last of the spell, translate the last, trifling words – there was nothing else to do. Except….

_I should really,_ _really test it on some thing, before using it on Seishirou-san. _

The thought shot a painful jolt through his chest. He couldn't do it on a person. It wasn't in his soul, to kill, even some one he didn't care about, had nothing at all to do with – merely imagining it brought a vibration through his body – and he couldn't breech past that boundary, for whatever it was inside him that simply wouldn't let him. And he didn't want to.

But the fact was he _didn't_ have to kill some one. There were bodies crunched beneath wreckage, _all _over the city – thousands, perhaps even millions of them, forgotten beneath the enormous slabs of grey concrete. Subaru shook his head, feeling a small, yet overpowering tide of bile traveling up his throat, seeking its way out harshly, at the imagery of all those dead, bleeding faces with cracked skulls - bones pricking from under torn skin - itchy, dry crimson flicking off flesh and long pieces of bone snapped and mangled as small red rivers drained in an eternal stream - the people gathered in piles like a horrid slaughter house, their bodies paralyzed in an endless sleep; so much how Seishirou was now – he cupped his waist, wanting to topple over in that sea of sickness, his pulse rapidly beating in his ears, rather then in his blood – before he scolded himself for getting carried away with the idea, his teeth grinding together. Subaru calmed with some unsteadiness.

It would have to be an animal then… But the ritual wasn't meant for an animal – it was meant for a _person_. A human being. It wouldn't be a proper exam, and it would hold no real evidence as to whether the spell could work or not, even if it did work – that might be even a_ bad_ sign – Well… He could cut down on the amount of Ki he used, cut it about in half. Enough for an animal. But… But _still… _

It was completely… incorrect. And it could lead to a more erroneous situation…

_Fuck._

Subaru groaned and put his head down on the sink counter top, the towel partially touching his cheek and jaw, his arms crossing and over his head. He stood there half-naked, the sink counter cold and sharp against his skin as it jutted into his stomach, piercing against the soft texture of his body. But he didn't move despite that, and his bare back trembled in the pale light. Subaru brought his arms to the edge of the sink's basin, and then stood up again, his reflection gleaming on the bathroom mirror as he rose, of a person he wasn't so sure he knew anymore; tall, incredulously thin, though attractive otherwise. Supposedly. Two shadows that connected at the base of his throat dipped into the crevices that his clavicles created, making him appear even thinner then he already was - dark with melancholy; his expression barren and arcane, transported far from his mind. And, looking down to examine himself, Subaru could see parts of his ribcage were quite clear and obtrusive. His fingers pricked at the unnaturally skeletal, bony, raw lines, as if some one had taken eyeliner and drawn shadows across his skin. It looked _awful. _

_Don't think about it. _He told himself, and seized his long black shirt, effortlessly slipping into it. The onmyoji then tucked the towel beneath his arm and unlocked the door, flicking off the light and exiting.

He was still pondering it… What to test… What to use, as an experiment… The concept was no less horrible, even when he protested he was doing this for the person he loved.

o

o

o

The night was a cooling whisper against his skin, skewing his senses lightly in a nervous, adrenalin-rush jumble, and then sharpening them horribly. The onmyoji wandering out in the Tokyo lights, alone, his steps leisurely - his legs leading him in no particular destination, on no particular path. Bright neon beams of multifold hues were a downpour on his face, swallowing his already stained vision in a charring burst, and he twisted his walk into a small back ally prudently, where the lights were less ravishing. He shook his head, sighing miserably, and rubbed at his one good eye, feeling mildly irritated, then even more so when the first pang of an oncoming headache made itself known by beating behind his eyes.

Subaru had been looking around for at least an hour now. Of course, he'd stumbled across a few stray animals. But looking at them once, their eyes helpless and large as he crouched down to stroke their fur, crusted with dirt, tangles, even old blood, and he lost his nerve in an instant.

_I hate myself. _

He frowned, and leant his back to the graffiti marked brick wall…

_This is ludicrous. Would I rather an animal live instead of Seishirou-san? _

Subaru's body jolted at the thought. His breathe hissed out, and he clutched at his hair and face, wanting to whimper and coil himself up in that moment, to hide and die and be miserable and never come out of that state. It was a strange, pathetic impulse, one that didn't last for too long.

His heart was beating fiercely in his chest, and he clutched at his shirt, trudging onward, not really regaining his stance.

He kept reconstructing the image of Seishirou's pale face, gleaming with frost, the mismatched eyes closed, and his own reflection shining back at him in the glass which he gazed through, though it was only translucent, and he was far more interested in what lay beyond that small barrier. In his mind, Subaru could see himself touching the face, feeling it frozen against his fingertips, the imagery so vivid it made him want to shudder. He stopped for a moment, covering his face from an obscuring light as he started again and passed it, eyes flickering around. He bit his lower lip anxiously, breathing deep, even breathes, as he watched the small leap of a shadow bounce on the side of a store wall.

He approached cautiously, seeing his own silhouette minimize on the wall as he drew closer towards it. A tiny kitten lay curled up against some trash, feeding from the torn, disposed plastic bags of the restaurant beside it. With the amount of dirt on its fur, he really couldn't tell what its original coloring would be. The odor of the trash was most putrid, a mixture of rotted onions and bloodied meat. He reached a hand forward nevertheless, careful to snip away from touching the garbage, his fingers darting, and the kitten barely registered his presence - it was probably starved, he realized, _lost_ and _alone_ – He felt himself pausing – before he rewound his indomitableness in a swift instant, scooping up the tiny animal.

It was a good thing he decided wearing his gloves would be a good idea, since the animal was now snarling at him in a way a dog would have. It was still only a baby, hardly even a pound in weight, so this didn't prove to be very threatening. Nevertheless, it tried to bite him, and the onmyoji couldn't risk getting an infection. The Sumeragi held the creature firmly, taking his time, wincing as the animal hissed in his hands, smelling of the trash it had resided by. It took awhile, but it finally calmed, and then even leant into his massaging touch, the first rattling sound of a small purr reverberating from its throat.

Subaru stood up from his kneeling position and moved around the small store, easing out into the yellow light to get a better look at the animal. The kitten was filthy, and its two large golden eyes were difficult to see under the knots and knots of fur. It kept blinking, as if some thing were caught in its vision, and turning, dubious, still looking a bit frightened, before it curled against the onmyoji's palms, obviously plagued by fatigue. The onmyoji could sympathize.

Subaru brought the kitten up to his chest, clutching it securely against him, and he looked for a deserted area. It was not so hard to find a long alley with a dead end, the narrow path pinched between two towering apartment buildings. Linen clotheslines swung and creaked high above him, the drying fabrics waving like flags in the wind's low sighs as Subaru entered, silent.

Not really caring if anyone saw him, and knowing very well that no one probably would, Subaru pulled the kitten carefully into the crook of his right arm. The animal was out of his vision, but it seemed weak, and unwilling to escape him now, as if it were longing for an owner. Subaru had to control his normal reaction to that thought and shut down his pity, shrugging off his dark messenger bag from his shoulder. He undid the latch with fingers, dipped in murky light, taking the old book out with the same hand, and inclined his head back towards the animal. He murmured a quick spell, one that Seishirou had been very compelled to use often - even though it was a less powerful version - and the kitten was asleep in a moment's time.

He was still gentle with the small, piteous thing as he set it before him. Reaching inside the bag once again, the onmoyji laid out a small towel, spreading it before putting the kitten on it. From his pocket, he twisted out an ofuda, and a blue flame encompassed the thin paper in a second's timing. He laid the ofuda down, but the flame did not spread and cackle, and hardly even flickered in the winds gust. A pale blue-turquoise lit up the animal dimly, and then his own face as well, making sight come easily.

Subaru gave the sleeping animal a final glance before he took his ceremonial dagger from his bag.

He let the weapon rise much higher the necessary in the grip of his fist, taking in a deep, calming gasp of musky Tokyo air before the blade bolted downward, his blood rushing through his veins like wild fire, impossibly exhilarating, almost to the point of making him stunned, as the knife tore through matted hair and skin easily, grating a rip in the animal's throat, like a stuffed animal that had been torn by a child's careless rough-play. Its breathing decreased instantly, the sleeping spell causing it to be totally passive and devoid of reaction. Subaru watched the dagger gleam, but it did not look red so much in the blue light - more like a dark deep wine or auburn.

He placed it aside, careful to keep blood from his hands. His own blood was raging like a sea inside him.

_First, the healing. _

Subaru placed a single hand over the rip in the animal's throat, shutting his eyes, as he pressed his index finger and middle finger together. A purple light gathered in those two fingers, making them glow like fireflies - a lukewarm energy - and Subaru paused in the timid heat of it before he slid his hand along the wound, the skin sealing at his command, like an invisible sewing machine. It wasn't that healing spells were _difficult_, he mused, but they were limited to only certain wounds. All it could do was pull skin together from two ends, stitch it back into a whole… But if an organ had bits missing, no healing spell could rejuvenate it – _unless -_ he used some one else's body and merged alchemy with magic.

Brushing off the thought, Subaru let the magic fade from his grip, and re-examined the animal before him. They were no lingering wounds…

_Well then… _

He sighed.

_I better get started. I hope this works…_

Feeling abruptly anxious to have the process done and over will, the onmyoji took the book from his blind side and pushed it into view of his lap, spreading it wide open – the turquoise light from the ofuda was still glowing, his own small flashlight. The pages flickered in Tokyo's gust – and the Sumeragi turned to Chapter 5 with one hand, while with the other he touched the kitten's head.

The chants started low and whispered, and built into some thing more severe and powerful at each passing second. The chants alone covered about 6 pages, _ridiculously_ elongated, and Subaru had to keep catching himself from saying things that referred to the human body instead of the animal's body before him. His voice felt raspy and was tinged with pain; by the time he reached the second page, his voice was already raucous; sand-paper like, and his jaw sore. But he could feel the _ki_ in himself gathering, right at the pressure point in his throat, crisp and cool as the night air itself, and as misty as the aftertaste of rain. And then it grew more condensed, thick and heavy like molasses, a syrupy sensation gliding up his esophagus. It was annoyingly uncomfortable, and made chanting more difficult. _This is nothing compared to how _ki_ I'm going to need to muster up later_. He reminded himself without missing the chant's beat, the olden Chinese strong and harsh in the silence of the alleyway… And Subaru could feel…

He could feel…

One more chant, and his vision split into two intricately constructed halves. On one side, there was the book in his hand, the sound of his own voice, the kitten lying limp on the cloth. There was the gentle breeze and shadows of the alleyway, a painting of ominous blacks and grays, and his pale hands tracing out the text as he read.

On the other, was a different world, a world he had shut himself off to since he was very young, and had only seen twice in his entire line of work as an onmyoji. It was the structure of a deep blue metropolitan highway, and his energies were ringing at the sheer force of it, every sense of his spirit brutally hit just from contact; as if some great tidal wave had swept over him. This _was_ the spirit world; this was the place that the dead lingered, on its lowest and weakest level. Despite the fact Subaru could not sense any spirits to rouse his energies - his nervous system was shot from splitting his presences in two alone. It was difficult to maintain, the most difficult magic he had dealt with in a long time - and - his posture shook from it, subconsciously wanting to tip into one side, and make it so the other was lost. _Too much… Too much…_ He was falling towards the spirit world, the alleyway disappearing steadily from his vision, that oceanic hue filling every piece of him, right down to the corners of his mind, like a heavy steam - and if he slipped just far enough he knew he would die, and his soul would be lost; forever in that intoxicating world _- a sweet poison, a smoke I want to immerse myself in - the relaxation of nicotine filling my throat - _that_ daze, that steady, warm fatigue - too much, I need to control it, I _need_ to _- Subaru felt his lips move as he read another chant - the text was hardly there anymore -

_Seishirou, smiling at me. Seishirou's lips – his breathe on my ear – the echo of his voice – the heat of his blood, drenching my arm – _

The image came in a flash, and Subaru redoubled, jerking himself back in-between and firmly planting himself in that broken vortex; fixating himself forcefully in one motion.

He relaxed.

…_Too close… _

His heart was hammering with the overwhelming speed of adrenaline. At least now he could feel his fingers again, in his own world – felt the last page turning as he controlled himself into reading the very last paragraph, ignoring his frenzied state. Gold light struck across his sight, momentarily blinding him - before he took a hold on that power as well and brought it down to the tips of his fingers, having memorized this sequence far before hand. The kitten's fur was still soft even with the clusters of dirt and dried blood. He graced his fingers across it in a tentative caress that was a whisper of touch. He felt the imprint of its soul fill him, even for such a tiny creature, it made him dizzy as it intermingled in his magic. Once more he was forced to regain control – another poor foreshadowing of things. _If I can hardly even handle this kitten, then I… _He panted from the flood of power, and his fingers twirled into another position – his shikigami arose from his hand in a sinuous curve, a white fog soon forming into outstretched wings, then, a head, legs, eyes… The bird-like creation floated just above his wrist, bathed in blue light and near transparent. Subaru yelled, "Find!" and the white bird obeyed its master in perfect compliance, straining forward into the hidden depths of the highway's channel.

His vision was sliced into three separate dimensions then, a horrible array of images colliding into each other, adding further to the horrid chaos and confusion of the situation - Subaru dimly felt some thing wet trickle down his jaw in a world he was only mildly sure was his own. Whether it was sweat or some thing a bit more portentous mattered very little to him at the moment as he focused on reading the very last page, looking through the shikigami's eyes as he did, a migraine already beginning to make itself known on one portion of his head. It did not help at all that he was blind in one eye and that he was viewing all these things in a broken range – some thing he had yet to get used to.

But he managed, some how, in that vertigo, to read the very last words – and there was a burst, a release of tension as if some rubber band had slackened after near snapping, and he disappeared from the spirit world, leaving his shikigami behind in that realm to seek what he sought, already wanting to collapse in on himself from exhaustion. _No, control it._ The essence of the animal was closer, closer… Subaru commanded his shikigami to delve more profoundly, and he was soon rewarded when he felt the kitten's small soul against his shikigami's talons; warm and silky as hot milk, as pureand radiating with innocence as a newborn child. Subaru tugged at it very tenderly, taking his leisure, finally able to relax for the first time in the entire session. The animal was submissive to his will, and let itself be carried: no doubt frightened from its first taste of death and bewildered. It only took a good two minutes to bring the soul back, and his shikigami dissipated with one final chant after it reproached its master and let the soul wander into his hands. With one fierce jerk Subaru pushed it back down into its body – his sight came back, full force – and there was nothing anymore except the tiny animal on the small towel, the light of his ofuda still glinting in green-blue, and dim luminosity coating the walls on each side of him.

He gasped in relief, feeling his body tremor in overtiredness.

Immediately, Subaru wanted to redo the process in his head; rethink and reassess how it would be different from when he used _Taimaiso _on Seishirou. He could already see the ominous notions of it, sharp and contrasting as white on a black surface. Subaru had no idea if Seishirou would be as submissive as the tiny animal had. He also had already known it would be a difficult performance – but he wasn't expecting it to be _that_ complicated, still. Thought was very different from practicality; and it felt so much more real, more _deadly_, when he'd actually performed it then from when he had been only reading and practicing certain aspects of it in his own room. Fear was a coiling emotion inside him, squeezing his lungs in an icy grip and flowering like a torn rose, the vines twining from the innermost place of his body out to his limbs in an eerie embrace. _No-_

_Not now. _

_I need to see if it even worked. _

Getting back into things, Subaru looked at the ball of dirt and fluff lying on the blanket. He lifted his wrist and then lowered his hand on the feline's head, stroking back the fur as softly as possible, trying to coax the animal into awakening. When his hand touched the creature's back, he quickly felt the small body rise and fall from breath. From breathing.

From _life_.

His heart leapt with a rare joy.

Oddly excited and enthusiastic, Subaru shook the kitten, though careful not to really disrupt the demeanor of the fragile creature, knowing well what had been its cause. He scratched the animal behind its ear, and it suddenly stretched each of its four limbs out, the white claws peeking out from underneath the fur of its paws - probably taking what had happened to it as a dream, Subaru thought – and then the kitten began mewing into Subaru's loving caress, even with the restriction of his gloves. He stood back to divest himself of a single glove, sticking it into his pocket, before retreating back to stroking the kitten amorously. It cooed at him, and he smiled.

o

By the time Subaru was making his way back to the Imonoyama mansion, he had pampered the little bundle in his arms into oblivion. _Literally._ The ball of fur was now sleeping in the crook of his arm, curled up like a roly-poly bug, its tail not even in motion anymore as it dreamt. It was perfectly healthy, maybe even _bette_r then it had been before, since Subaru had taken the initiative to restore its vigor.

After the spell's completion, the onmyoji had gathered up his things and left with the mewing animal to find a pet store. The people who'd worked there had been more than delighted to help clean up the kitten until the creature was spotless – and also to cut the knotted bits of hair and groom it right down into perfection. It had taken at least an hour, the onmyoji thought fleetingly. Subaru also learned the kitten's coloring was white, not at all brown – with grey paws – and an adorable little dust-hued diamond on the center of its head, flaring down onto its black nose. The tips of the kitten's ears were colored of smoke. Subaru felt his usual attraction to animals and wanted to cuddle the tiny thing as close as possible; the people in the pet store had been no less awed by its cuteness, cooing at the minute animal throughout most of the session of cleaning. Subaru had gotten it a collar, and named it '_Hope_', after what it had given him. The collar was black with a silver coin in its center – the name there already engraved.

He knew well he'd spent lots of time fixing up the animal, even through the distant knowledge that he should be thinking of the spell, sleeping away fatigue, or preparing for it, but the Sumeragi couldn't help it. He'd also bought some food for it – had it fed, stuffed it until it could eat no more and turned sleepy grey eyes on him.

Subaru would have spent more time, getting it supplies, more food, toys, etc – But the kitten could wait until tomorrow. It was already extraordinarily late, at least twelve am… He needed to get back.

Quite easily he found and called for a taxi then directed it down the correct streets. He sank into the cushion of the seat, sighing, trying to blink away his tiredness.

o

"Awwwwwww!!!!" Yuzuriha bounced on her feet, her large eyes alight with joy. "He's so cuuuuute!!" She squeaked, hopping up and down eagerly in front of Subaru, staring at the kitten. He'd been surprised that the other Dragons of Heaven were awake at such an hour – especially Yuzuriha - who usually was in bed earliest of them – for them to be up so late was odd. He was more surprised that they had all greeted him when he'd entered; Kamui coming up first from down the stairs, around the corner, staring at him; cocking an eyebrow at the kitten, and then his face blooming into a smile as he walked over. Soon, Sorata had come out from the hallway, Yuzuriha following. It wasn't long before he was surrounded by the three Seals, giving him surprised but joyous looks while trying to glimpse at and pet the kitten.

It had been passed to everyone; from Kamui to Sorata and then to Yuzuriha, and it was now back in Subaru's gentle arms.

"Whatcha name it?" Sorata said, trying to peak down at the collar. "Didcha find it?"

Not wanting to get into details, Subaru avoided the second question and instead held the kitten up high for Sorata's view, so he could see the name on the collar for himself.

"'Hope'?" Kamui read, still smiling and reaching out shyly to pat the kitten's head. It purred contently with the sensuous movement. Subaru however inwardly grimaced at the slit-like, wide scars centered on that hand, and knew there was a twin of that one on Kamui's other hand as well… and what had been its cause…

So much pain, they all had to go through, and for some thing most of them had wished to _never_ even be involved in…

Brushing the thought aside, Subaru focused on Kamui's happy features, enchanting – and passed the bundle back into Kamui's arms, just a bit hesitant, the question being asked with action rather then sound… and Kamui accepted the kitten with that grin of his, holding Subaru's gaze before letting himself concentrate back on the ball of fur as Yuzuriha scooted closer to Kamui, peeking down at it.

"We saved ya some dinner, Subaru-san," Sorata spoke up, and placed his hand on Subaru's thin shoulder, trying to catch the young man's attention. Subaru looked at him and smiled gratefully, shifting the strap of the bag on his shoulder, trying to make it feel less heavy and irritating.

"Thanks."

"No problem!" Sorata grinned broadly, greatly relieved to see the other smile. "I'll heat it up for ya – I've been meaning to speak with you, anyway," He tugged on Subaru more insistently, and then let his arm drop to his side. Subaru nodded and flicked his white and green glance back to Kamui and Yuzuriha; who had both settled down on the grand staircase and had placed the kitten in between themselves, watching it go back and forth as it chased either of their hands - Yuzuriha giggling playfully; Kamui more snickering; sneaky, smug, yet as teasing as a child – a truly rare display as he darted his hand in front of the kitten and then jerked back, time after time, tempting the poor creature, who was absolutely no match for his uncanny speed. He looked so cheerful...

Subaru had a disquieting urge to hug the boy as he watched him, abruptly faced with a nostalgia that was almost painful, sad, as it melted in his chest, searing athwart him… – perhaps because it was so horribly rare, to see his friend in such a state of enjoyment, the knowledge that it would soon fade; and a pang he'd grown used to by now ached inside him - to protect the teenager from harm, at _all _costs - echoing throughout his mind and body in dull thuds – those small shoulders shrugging with airy giggles as Subaru's eyes wandered over the boy; his small lips uplifted, the coral pink of his cheeks and his skin pale and so radiant, milk white … and his eyes, without a doubt the most distinctive feature of his face – glowing in a surge of profound violet, beautiful and deadly as a rose. Oh, Kamui had the ability to be deadly, but he didn't use it so much – which was a terrible thing, in some aspects, but in others, made him seem more loving and kind then he already was…

"Subaru-san," Sorata said, his finger poking the Sumeragi's shoulder. The onmyoji jolted, just a brief motion, before relaxing and looking at the monk – who was smiling helplessly, his dark almond eyes somehow merrier then usual. "Come on'."

o

Subaru could hear Kamui and Yuzuriha talking, even with the length of the hallway's distance between them. He sat on one of the kitchen stools – which was, as always, built to be higher than the sitter, and so Subaru had to keep his house slippers from sliding off his feet every few seconds or so. Eventually he gave up on that and let them fall off on their own, his pale feet dangling a foot or two from the floor. He'd also taken care of his bag, with the precious book and information it contained inside – very carefully placed it on the counter, smoothing out the wrinkles in the thick cloth before settling.

Sorata looked at him from over the pastel colored kitchen island as he pushed the plate of steaming food to Subaru – too much food, Subaru thought a little miserably as he examined the full plate of heated vegetables, rice and chicken… Nevertheless he accepted the chopsticks as Sorata handed them over along with a glass of water, murmuring a kind 'thank you' towards the other and then began eating with a measured slowness, sleepiness drifting across his mind like clouds of smoke…

Subaru plucked a piece of heated broccoli up and put it between his lips, the warmth of it spreading like butter throughout his mouth and fogging his throat – he chewed carefully, cautious of being burned, and swallowed. "It's good."

"Nee-chan made it. She's asleep right now, though…" Sorata seemed disappointed with that, but then smiled – much softer then its usual exuberance, as if it had lowered a pitch. "How are ya?"

"…I'm fine, I suppose," Subaru replied after a moment's paused, and lifted his forearm up to reach for the glass of water – Sorata's forearm abruptly moved towards his, taking the onmyoji's white hand in his own in the split second of movement, halting the motion in the beat of unexpected intimacy;Subaru's body automatically jerked in response. But Sorata kept his hand held in his, and the onmyoji shot a look at him, surprise apparent across his usually blank features –

"Subaru-san, I'd like to see you smile more…" He finally began to relax, that instant where fear had taken him already dripping away into a memory – but its aftermath still lingering, much calmer, but nevertheless, still an unsteady undulation within him. Disturbed by its uneasy tracks inside him, Subaru looked up into the other's face, feeling unusually nervous, but anticipating the next words.

Instead Sorata's gaze tilted, faltering, until it drifted aside, and he released Subaru's hand - allowing his own to rest along the smooth top of the counter.

"Kamui's happier, too…

"To see you happy…

"I too, would like to know more about the person who you are… would like to see you past that shell… if you'd allow me." The Osaka teenager stared back at Subaru – a sadness etched along the countenance, perhaps in the firm line of his jaw or in the seriousness of his eyes; but more determination was showing, overshadowing all else. He then bowed his head, a chuckle sweeping across him. "I'm a bit envious of you… You can cheer Kamui up so quickly." Taken aback by the comment, Subaru cast his eyes behind him – to the hallway, where Yuzuriha's and Kamui's cheerful voices were echoing – an indistinguishable quibble of words he couldn't make out. That rush to hold Kamui in his arms was coming back, lapping at his senses, shrieking it self onward into his mind. The onmyoji shook his head as if to shake the feelings off with physical movement, mirroring his thoughts, and then looked back at the monk, biting his lip.

"That's not true…"

"Yes, _it is_," Sorata said with such a ferocity Subaru was flabbergasted yet again, for the third time now. "You mean a lot to him…" The teenager straightened, but his shoulders slackened in a mock of defeat, for whatever reason that was. But he was smiling at Subaru, an odd smile that was more admirable looking then happy; a smile of fondness to the other.

The Sumeragi craned his neck down, narrowing his eyes, whispering soundlessly so Sorata wouldn't hear; "…I wish I didn't…"

"What was that?"

Subaru shook his head and straightened, bending his arm so that he could cushion his face with the palm of his hand, eyes near shutting from drowsiness that was making itself evident again. "Kamui has been through a great deal. I think you help him more then I do… you see him more often, and you're around more…-" Subaru yawned, then sat up, spiraling the food of his plate around with the chopsticks still held in his left hand. Though he was much more focused on the conversation and his own thoughts than on the food, he continued to eat.

"You think so?" Sorata asked, turning around so that his back was to Subaru, who nodded even though it wouldn't be seen. Subaru's reply was firm, no hesitation or questioning behind it.

"I know so."

Sorata's shoulders slouched. "…maybe… It's difficult, to speak to him sometimes…" Subaru could still listen to the two Seals, far off from the conversation at the stairway, chatting still yet. "He's had it rough. But anyway, off of the subject of Kamui."

He turned around, as if to emphasize the words.

"What about you, Subaru-san?"

Subaru cringed instinctively. "What about me?"

Sorata leant over the counter, piercing his stare right into the onmyoji's, trying to delve into what was externally shown and understand what was beneath the white and green depts. Subaru's eyes were too profound and too closed off – too _esoteric_ – he never let anything overcome his equilibrium demeanor. It was like looking at the calm, supple dance of the ocean tide, trying to understand what it harbored beneath when only seeing the surface, what great mysteries it held, with no evidence, only the knowledge it was vast… Sorata cleared his throat, almost afraid to continue, a nagging in his mind that he was prying and the other would be annoyed by it. But Subaru had come very close to dying – didn't that make it _right_ to?

They were all afraid, all so worried for him, that he would simply go to sleep in his own room and not come out for breakfast the following day, wilt away like a flower, sleeping into his death; forever locked and caged within himself: an unspoken and dispersed beauty – a bird that didn't sing, alone within the confines of its own mind.

Sorata gulped at a gracious amount of air, and inquired worrisomely, "_What _happened? What made you… want to come back?" He murmured. "Everyone but Kamui had given up hope on you returning… They were beginning to make preparations… for your _funeral_… Everyone but Kamui thought you were gone. We didn't know how to bring you back," Sorata propped himself up with one of his dark hands, voice rising with confusion, grief, "And all the medication wasn't effecting you at _all_." Sorata wanted Subaru to know that all the Seals were there for him, would always be there for him – including himself – but every time they told the Sumeragi master this or some thing similar he didn't seem to soak that information in fully, only partially, no matter how much they truly meant it, and rarely ever did the young man even speak to anyone besides Kamui. It was obvious he didn't trust anyone, kind as Subaru was; he was extremely wary of others and choked away from any sort of contact or communication.

_What's going on in that mind of yours, Subaru? _Sorata mused sadly as he held the other's gaze captive.

_What happened to you?_

"I'm sorry." Subaru murmured.

Sorata blinked. Why was _he_ apologizing? Subaru had done nothing wrong, even if he didn't trust and speak so often, it didn't mean it was his fault – some thing had _caused_ him to be like that, people weren't just born that way – and in that retrospective, absolutely nothing was his fault.

"Why are ya apologizing?" Sorata asked, trying to break the mood by being a little more cheerful, though clinging to some seriousness since the topic was rather deep. "You didn't do anything wrong. We're just worried for ya--"

Subaru's tone sharpened, as did his eyes, "For _that_, for making you all worry about me – I'm really not very useful at all… All I do is keep making everyone worry, when you should be more focused on the battles. I hardly do anything to help, and just cause trouble... I'm a _distraction_." By the time he'd was done speaking, it had ended in a whisper.

Sorata then abruptly recollected Subaru making a similar apology when he'd had his eye gouged out, weeks ago now – and when he was in a hospital, and most of the Seals had come to see him – but his thoughts were severed in a blink when he unexpectedly noticed Kamui was standing at the opening of the kitchenette, his violet eyes lowered and upset, his arms slackened, sagging like the branches of a willow tree. The kitten wasn't with him – probably with Yuzuhira – how long had the boy been standing there, listening to the conversation? Sorata almost spoke again, but his voice was swallowed by an odd force, like gravity pushing him down, as Kamui approached Subaru from behind: steps that were utterly soundless and impossible to hear above the droning of the dish washer, his movements languid and anesthetic; clothing rippling with folds as he walked. The teenager gave Sorata an acknowledging glance before coming around onto Subaru's right and wrapping his arms around the onmyoji's shoulders. Subaru jumped slightly, startled; hadn't heard Kamui at all, from the looks of it – and turned to face the teenager, their noses only a few spaces apart.

"You're not a distraction." Kamui said; his voice taut. "You're _not._"

Subaru scanned Kamui's face, his delicate features and his narrowed eyes, glistening as they held his regard in an eternity of seconds. Then Kamui broke that lengthened pause with a jerk, half peering into Subaru's face. "Sorry… I was eavesdropping, I guess. I wanted to tell you that the kitten fell asleep. Yuzuriha went to put him in your room."

"…Ah, thanks," The onmyoji responded, not really recovered from Kamui's earlier statement. He diverted his attention from the teenager, and poked at the remaining food on his plate, not really enthusiastic to eat anymore.

He shifted to stand up but Sorata took his plate before he could, in a delighted voice offering to take it for him, making his way to the waist basket to toss the remaining food and then to the sink to clean the plate before the onmyoji had a chance to protest. And Subaru didn't really want to protest, he was too tired. He woozily moved sideways, placing his feet back down on the floor and standing, wanting desperately to stretch but suppressing the small urge, the floor oddly cold on his bare feet. He knelt down to grab his thin slippers and snugly fit both his feet into them, sensing Kamui's gaze on his right, unnerving and comfortable at the same time. He stretched his forearm for his bag, and ducked his head so the strap could come on his blind side, then vertically down his chest.

"You should go to sleep, Subaru." Kamui commented.

Subaru nodded - a subconscious gesture. "Yeah, I'm going to…" He stood back up to his full height, Kamui's luscious eyes gleaming up at him, shining in mauve – Subaru looked back at Sorata, who was taking a terribly long time to clean one dish, still facing away from him as water rained down from the faucet, causing a sizzling reverberation throughout the room. "Good night, Sorata-san."

"Yeah… See ya' in the morning." He seemed reserved, and dissatisfied… Subaru didn't clog his mind with musing, and instead faced Kamui, who waiting for him. He offered the younger man a smile, and Kamui smiled shyly in return.

They made it up the staircase together – it was certainly wide enough for them to stand side by side and still have some room to spare; the only noises in the stillness was Subaru's slippers making soft contact with wood and the tender sound of Kamui's socked feet gliding up the steps.

Kamui was the first to speak.

"You don't seem like the pet-owning type," He teased gently, and blew a strand of wavy russet hair from his face. It flung up, and then immediately fell back down over one of his eyes. Kamui made an annoyed face and brushed the strand away, and Subaru couldn't help but grin lightly at the antic. But his face then went grave, as if some thing inside his mind had fallen from the height of playfulness. They reached the elongated hallway at the top of the steps; the light of the below hallway only a murmur in the background, and the breath of darkness flooding them in the cool slickness of night, coating them in ink.

"I meant what I said… you're not a distraction, Subaru… Please don't think you are…" Kamui's voice sounded at the edge of itself, anxious and brushing into fear, though hushed, obviously kept low so no one else but Subaru would be able to fathom the boy's whispers. "You're… You're such an important person to me…" And Kamui's small hands were reaching out, to touch at Subaru's shirt, lovingness in the motion. Subaru's heart raced – being so kind to some one, _close_ to some one instinctively made him want to rear back, as he had just done only moments ago with Sorata. He reminded himself _who_ exactly he speaking to before Kamui's tiny fingers fell onto the fabric of his shirt and then moved around his sides, fingers knitting together at his back, as the shorter man pulled him closer in for a hug and rested his head against Subaru's collarbone and onto his shoulder. Kamui made a soft sound that was almost a sigh, and Subaru couldn't make out the boy's expression due to the shadows of the hall and because of the angle Kamui was in.

Hesitating, Subaru responded, bringing his hands around Kamui, his palms massaging up and down the line of Kamui's spine, feeling it through the cloth (he'd removed his gloves along with his shoes when he'd first entered the mansion, the gloves now resting in his bag) on his bare skin.

Kamui mumbled against his shoulder, "You're my best friend Subaru, okay?"

"Kamui," he whispered, voice low, "you shouldn't care about me this much."

"I _have_ to," Kamui hissed, tightening his hold. "…You've done so much for me."

Subaru shook his head in quiet protest, only to be abruptly jerked closer, minimizing the already near nonexistent space between them, his heart pulsing. Kamui continued to whisper; "Don't say that… that you 'don't deserve it'… or degrade yourself. _I_ think you deserve it, and nothing's going to change my mind." Subaru stared at the adjacent wall, his mind in an ambivalence of wanting to speak and not wanting to – knowing he should object but not knowing how… "Got it?" And then Kamui's arms fell back down to his sides, and he pulled away from the Sumeragi's grip. Subaru let him go, and Kamui's eyes looked hard back at him.

"Yeah… alright." There wasn't much he could do to change the boy's mind anyway, if it was what he really wanted…

And Kamui's face cracked into a true smile, his eyes lighting up. Subaru figured now was as good as a time as any to tell the boy about his progress with the spell… since Kamui was so fixed on helping… But it was cute, and innocent in its own sense - that faithfulness the teenager offered so willingly; the loyalty of a true friend.

A friend…

And though Subaru had known they'd been 'friends' for awhile now… he felt…

Oddly relieved.

Like a weight he'd been suppressing had lifted off his shoulders.

_I don't have to hold anything back from him_, the thought was sudden and unexpected, like a cold splash of water on his face.

_I can confide in him. _

Pleased and happy with the idea, Subaru gestured with his hand for Kamui to follow him to his room – Kamui grinned with exuberance, and followed.

o

o

"So… that's why you have the kitten…" Kamui gave the sleeping animal a sidelong glance, his fingers fidgeting with the quilt of Subaru's futon, his eyes mildly apprehensive. The onmyoji sat back on his chair near his desk, and had turned it around so he could face Kamui – he'd also offered the boy the chair but he'd declined.

Subaru had given a rather intricate explanation to Kamui of what he had done that evening, and Kamui listened wholeheartedly, only pausing once or twice to ask a question. Kamui didn't have a lot of background knowledge on onmyoujutsu, ironically enough, considering he was 'the Kamui' – the teenager explained somewhere among the jabber of the conversation that his mother had never sought to teach him, and he'd never known his father; that he discovered his powers on his own and 'taught himself', and the only time his mother ever really spoke of it was when he used his magic for something 'inappropriate': and when Subaru gave him a dubious look, Kamui murmured some thing about fighting. The onmyoji chose not to question further, since the younger male looked a bit reluctant to talk about it.

Besides…

Subaru found that incredibly odd that no one had tried to track Kamui down as a child and take him away - or even try to kidnap his mother as she was pregnant.

"…I'm guessing your mother went into hiding."

Kamui paused, and nodded, eyes grave with memories. "I guess so… She always kept me in the dark… I didn't know anything. When we moved from Tokyo it was really sudden, and I didn't get any say in the matter." Kamui waved his hand absently. "Sorata was the one who told me all about this, this 'apocalypse' – that was long after my mother was dead."

Subaru examined Kamui's crunched up position, melancholic with musings. "…That must have been extremely hard on you. I've known about the fate of 1999 for years."

Kamui abruptly leaned up, and looked straight at the onmyoji. "What about _your _parents, Subaru—ah, sorry," He then ducked his head, his wavy bangs hiding his expression, brown hair spangled in the sharp light. "I shouldn't pry." He mumbled. The faintest of pinks graced his cheeks.

"No, it's fine." Subaru crossed his arms, and inhaled deeply, mind rotating with recollection – he vaguely realized they'd gotten far off track from their original conversation – and smiled a little sadly, facing Kamui again as the teenager peeked a petite glance at him; his hands on his lap, fingers knotted together and playing with each other as if on fingerboard. "My parents…" Subaru tipped his head back, staring at the ceiling, wondering then why he'd never really been asked this question before. "My parents died a long time ago. _I _don't even know the specifics. My father died before my mother gave birth to me, and my mother died when I was four… or maybe five years old. I still remember the day I went to her funeral… It was so long ago…" Hazily Subaru refocused on Kamui as his mind whirled - he remembered - _rain_ and a stark coffin; the scent of roses that overcame even the heavily perfumed women, the large pelts of rain, dropping like cold marbles from the grey sky - recalled acutely his sister to one side of him and his grandmother on the other, his own body cold with the rain's chill, Hokuto and his grandmother holding each his hands in a tight grip, their palms clammy with sweat – both gripping as if afraid he might disappear as they pinched together underneath the wired ceiling of their black umbrella that did very little to keep out all the enormous droplets of rain.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

Subaru shook his head. "Don't apologize. It just happened a really long time ago… my memory's fuzzy… it's weird, I remember one thing with complete clarity and the rest is all vague.

"My mother was really kind, if I can recall _at least_ that – but that's really it. I don't have a picture of her or anything..." Kamui looked upset with this news. "Don't worry about it, Kamui, I hardly knew her, and my Obaa-chan was always there to raise Hokuto and me anyway."

Kamui grinned, his lips uplifting in bitterness, lopsided. "We're alike, in sorts."

_:It just seems to me that you and Kamui are alike…:_

Subaru blinked, puzzled.

"Just… life screwed us both over pretty badly, didn't it?" Kamui looked away, his hair falling in front of his face, shrouding his expression.

Subaru paused, unsure of how to respond, but then agreed. "I know… But… our lives aren't over yet." He pointed out, his voice mellow and calm, assured. Kamui glowered at the long silver lamp, though it was painfully hard task to tell with his strands of hair cloaking his face - even more so for some one who was half blind.

"What if the spell doesn't work, Subaru?" Kamui's small hands curled into fists, knuckles turning white. "What will you say _then_?"

Subaru exhaled, breathe quaking, gathering his thoughts… "I know there's a huge possibility that some thing will go wrong. That it won't work, that –" he stopped himself quickly from exposing to Kamui the fact this was in going to be putting himself in _a lot_ danger. He needed not worry the teenager further. He sighed, continuing: "…That I might hurt Seishirou-san… That he might end up dying the second he comes back… And all those things, I'm so scared of them happening. I don't even want to contemplate what kind of agony I'm going to be in if those things do happen.

"I don't have time to feel doubtful… I don't have time to falter, or be _anxious_, or afraid. I need to have _strength_, and to stop being weak, for _once in my life_ - to give myself the ability to be happy again. It's selfish of me… I should know better then anyone that the dead should not be disturbed." Kamui twisted himself sharply, mauve eyes narrowed, glassing over with thought. Uncertain, the onmyoji inquired, his insides feeling hot and squished, his mouth arid; "…Do you think I'm wrong for this? That I'm being foolish?"

"No." Kamui crossed his thin arms, features profound in muse. "No, I don't think you're wrong. I _know_ you're in love with Sakurazukamori…" Subaru gulped dryly, nodded a confirmation, and Kamui's eyes thinned further – but not in anger, just in seriousness - and he looked aside. "You just want to be happy. There's nothing wrong in that. And you deserve it, after this… _hell _Sakurazukamori put you through. _You_ deserve it. He owes you at least that.

"But it's more then that… You want him to be happy too, right?" Subaru nodded another confirmation, and Kamui's face burst into a bright grin, and he pivoted back to his friend. "It's not wrong. It's selfish, but also selfless."

Subaru uneasily squirmed in his seat, slumping faintly, and crossed his arms, as if trying to secure himself. "But… He technically committed suicide… He _wanted_ to die."

"_So what_? Subaru, I think you need to give the bastard some revenge, honestly." The onmyoji was caught off by the slander, but then nearly chuckled. "He's gotten everything out of you, but you haven't gotten anything out of him. It's only fair. And if he doesn't like it, well, he's just going to have to _deal_."

Subaru shook his head, the amusement fading. "It's still not… _right._"

"You're _going_ to do it anyway, though." Kamui said levelly, standing, walking over to Subaru lithely, eyes looking oddly darker then they were supposed to be with the lamp light licking illumination on his back - making his front side shadowed while casting a stripe of black over Subaru's body. Strips of his hair dangled in front of his face like odd, alluring ornaments, swaying with his motion. "Whether or not it's 'right' or 'wrong'… Because… you need him that much…?" Subaru wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement. Kamui and the onmyoji were only a few spaces apart, and both could hear the other's breaths, shallow but quiet. Subaru's tongue flicked out to moisten his lips, which had turned chapped some time in the conversation – and he tipped his head up, their expressions meeting, stern violet to rippling green and white.

"In all honesty… I don't want to survive without him.

"He's my special person. He's… _everything_ to me."

o

o

Sky blue dust smudged like eyeliner on Subaru's finger tips as he swiveled in a circle, marking the room's hard word floor with the inverted pentagram in chalk, being careful to avoid moving the ofuda placed securely in the center. His knees were starting to complain from the awkward position, the wood rubbing against his knees through the cloth of his jeans, but he finished the circle with a last twist of his wrist, and stood up, stepping back to examine his work.

Subaru glanced over at the old book lying opened on the only table that hadn't been shoved into the rest of the clutter like the other furniture – double-checked the mark on the page, finely drawn out in dark pen, compared it to his own, and approved it.

He put the chalk down on the table, stopped it from rolling off once then took a wet cloth that had been also placed on the table and whipped his hands clean from residue.

The door creaked inward, a tiny pale hand wrapped around the silver knob, and Kamui poked his face in, violet eyes curiously staring at Subaru in a ridiculously adorable fashion, his pink lips glossy in the faint illumination. Subaru smiled at the younger man and beckoned him in with a wave of his hand.

"I just called Imonoyama-san… " Kamui said as he stepped inside fully, shutting the door behind himself. "and… He said he'd contact the scientists shortly, have them bring Sakurazuka here…"

Subaru felt a jolt at ever nerve ending in his body. He turned his face aside, head bowed, hoping to give nothing away to Kamui in his countenance. "…And everyone?"

"Everyone's at school. Don't worry, no one's going to bother us. We've got a solid seven hours."

_Worry? How can I not?_ Subaru inhaled, vainly trying to crush the whirlpool of emotions that were rampaging through his body – the drumming of his heart pumped in rapid bursts, his lungs feeling as if they were being squeezed together by a pair of menacing, searing hands, making his breath shorter than what would be considered normalcy. A bead of liquid tickled down his neck, rolling over his skin. He was so nervous – and _scared_ – but he was doing his best to at least not show it to Kamui, though his body was doing a damn decent job of betraying him. He turned to the teenager, and Kamui gave him a quizzical look, stepping onward to the onmyoji, and touched his forearm – which lay exposed due to his short-sleeved shirt.

"I'll be with you, every step of the way." Kamui said in absolute resolve and confidence.

The words did nothing to calm the onmyoji. Nevertheless, he was still grateful for them.

At least it was better then being alone.

He went to say some thing to Kamui, but then stopped, seeing the boy's attention was occupied by some thing off to the side of him, out of his vision. Subaru moved to get a better look… oh. He smiled at Kamui, and waved his hand in front of the boy, who blinked back into reality. "You can look at it, if you want." He pointed to the book. "Just be careful with it."

"Oh… Okay." Kamui said, and dubiously wandered over to the table, running a single finger down the crease of the binding. His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion "It's in… Chinese?"

"Yeah."

"You can speak Chinese?" Kamui asked, sounding awful inquisitive on what Subaru would have thought a dull subject. He replied anyway.

"Indeed I can. However I can read it better then I can speak it. I was taught it when I was younger, still living in the Sumeragi household, then I continued to study it in high school, then brushed up on it when I was older so… I'm fairly familiar with it." Subaru stretched out his limbs, his green and white eyes traveling to the door, but he was barely seeing it, his mind elsewhere, in an area dark and clouded... _How long is it going to take for them to get here?_

Why was it so hot in the room? Subaru subconsciously played with the hem of his shirt, flapping the fabric, and abruptly tightened his hold, knuckles turning white from the strain as his stomach flip flopped, hot, _cold_, no, hot, cold, again, _again._ _Oh god, I'm going to see his body…_ _This is… obscenity at its greatest work… No… I'll just – pretend he's asleep – _He inhaled, deep and slow, trembling. -_ or some thing – yeah…. that works, go with that-_

"I took English in school." Subaru stopped, his breath sounding unusually loud. He refocused on Kamui, who was making a face. "English is really hard. You know, it would be nice, if everyone on Earth spoke one language."

Subaru swallowed a lump in his throat that wouldn't go down… "I suppose?" _Why is Kamui talking about this?_

Kamui eagerly questioned, "Have you ever been to China? I went there once."

"…No."

Kamui paused, found an uncluttered spot on the wall to lean up against, crossing his legs as he gave a faint smile. "It's really pretty; I got to see Hong Kong… The Chinese don't like us too much though. So we didn't stay for long… but it was nice anyway. The harbor in Hong Kong is beautiful."

Confused, Subaru examined the teenager's stiff posture, then realized… _He's trying to distract me. _The thought warmed every portion of his body, and Subaru smiled a beatific smile, appreciating with more intensity just how_ kind_ Kamui was.

Before he could thank the boy, though, a knock echoed on the door, signaling an arrival and enrapturing his attention. Kamui gave a nervous grin. "I'll get that," and already he was making his way to the door, in slow strides. Subaru tried, over and over, to shove down all his fears, to find his center as if he were meditating, and blank his mind out into concentration. He managed it, partly, but still fiddled with his shirt, not wanting to remain so idle.

Kamui looked through the crack of the door that was out of Subaru's perspective. He then opened it, the mouth of the doorway growing large, widening… A man dressed in a lab coat came into Subaru's vision – likely a scientist, though he hadn't met this person earlier in the lab, in what seemed like only a few seconds ago but was in reality days ago. There was a stretcher to the man's left side, a high one coming up to the man's waist, and thick white quilt hiding what was underneath it, and Subaru could do nothing but stare, eyes dimming in sadness, rotating in the ambivalence of being disturbed or joyous before his mind registered the scientist was speaking and he looked back up.

"-this is okay…" He caught the rest of the sentence, and Kamui was nodding, gave a brief look at Subaru – before he spoke to the scientist.

"Thanks for bringing him up."

"No problem. Do you want me to push him i-"

Subaru interrupted, "No, that's fine. You've done enough – you may leave." Kamui had never heard a more subtle banishment. But the scientist didn't seem to hold any hard feelings on it; rather, he bowed his head politely in respect, and stepped out of view, his footsteps fading in the hallway.

The onmyoji approached his counterpart, hesitating, and then succumbed further into the section of his mind that just wanted to _see_ Seishirou again, that was screaming at him to _act_ on that desire fully, his body tickly from the rush, his heart feeling though it had fallen far into his stomach, though was some how detached and aloof, as if he couldn't handle the full possession of the emotion – Kamui eyed the Sumeragi as he did; violet eyes stirred into a darker hue. He moved away, a piece of him wanting to evade the room – he shouldn't be viewing such a spectacle - but Subaru didn't seem to notice, as he came closer to his destination, and then was running the tips of his fingers, ever-so-gentle against the quilt, stroking it as he had the kitten yesterday, however in far more delicacy and amorous tenderness: with all the steadiness of a living aesthetic; a refrained agony hidden in the green ocean of his one eye, the other pearly and void.

_Seishirou-san… _

_Why did you do this? _

Subaru's tongue curled in his mouth, the back of it brushing along the roof. He clenched his jaw, locking it, and snapped the covers back with a roll of his wrist, the white fabric fluttering away like an evasive butterfly's wings; cloth dripping down and staining the floor. Kamui twisted his face away.

The onmyoji let out a constricted breath, oxygen fuming away from him, and hung his head, sealing his eyes, leaving himself in the shadows of his blank stupor: restricted and caged, but safe from the imagery, from the display of death and the display of love before him, the two opposites always attracted to each other; like sun to moon, moth to flame – it has always been that way for him, for _so long _– _so_ long he didn't know it any other way, wasn't sure if it was possible to _be_ any other way. Subaru let his fingers dance along the quilt supporting the immobile body, his own eyes still shut – he touched cold flesh, so cold it didn't feel like flesh but rather the pink meat of a fish's belly and he instantly wished to shy away from it. His eyes reopened at leisure, slowly swallowing the sight; as the way water takes in the brown of autumn leaves and turns it into gold. Subaru stroked the pale skin of the upper arm with his thumb in small circular motions, and then slid from the elbow down the forearm to the hand in a tedious waver. There he spread the fingers out and lifted the wrist enough to lock their hands together, a shudder running through his body from the chill of Seishirou's flesh. Subaru bent down as if bowing, eyes thinning into a trance, and kissed the fingers of that hand tenderly, nose nuzzling the joints in the absolute softness of a lover's caress. With a sad reluctance he broke away, gaze flicking back up to Seishirou's seemingly sleeping face.

Kamui had opened his eyes once more, as well, though his expression was strangely darkened even though he wasn't in much shadow. Subaru looked back at his friend, contemplating what Kamui could have been thinking, only able to use the substitute of guessing. Was he disturbed? Disgusted? _Horrified?_ But his expression was of great pity, edging into grief, echoing none of those things.

"You can wait outside, Kamui. I need to heal his body…" Subaru murmured.

Kamui nodded, with no words moving around Subaru, their shoulders brushing together for a brief moment before Kamui struck himself against the wall to Subaru's left out in the hall. Subaru made a wearisome sound, wincing as he took a grasp on the stretcher and rolled it inside. Kamui closed the door for him, quietly; the sound of it making a thud that seemed to echo throughout the room like the whisper of a child.

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Subaru bit his lower lip painfully – though he wasn't even noticing it - as he examined Seishirou's pale torso, veins making the flesh seem translucent and thin as a pasty tablecloth, especially along the undersides of the man's arms. Curving blue-green vines twined in the pillar of his throat, snaking to his cheek; making Seishirou look as sickly as a dying pneumonia patient. It was so abnormal to see Seishirou… _hurt…_ and looking as if he was _pain_… He'd always been so immaculate, even during fighting: rarely did his clothes even tear or so much as stain with blood; making the man appear inhuman, immortal, and invincible – any of those things – but what had transpired had recently proved Subaru's subconscious postulation painstakingly wrong. _Everything _was blown out of proportion.

_I _should_ be the one dead… I wanted to die _so_ much… The only thing I wanted… since you broke me._

Subaru's eyes glazed into navy as he arose power from the very core of his body, in the innermost place; from the endless depths and the eternity of his soul… driving it down into his fingertips, feeling it sizzle like an electrified blanket over his knuckles and _seeing_ that haze of purple and midnight blue arise…

_Seishirou-san… I've finally realized… You've been lying, the whole time. Everything… absolutely everything that happened between us, other than the few minutes before your death, before – those things – they were all lies. _

The onmyoji's lips quivered as he touched the chest of the icy body, sucking in a breath as his fingers glided over the muscles and skin –

_Everything. You toyed with me during the bet, and you toyed with me as we fought in the kekkai. I tried to tamper with you, to get you to at least loathe me a _small_ bit, just enough to get me _killed_…_

_But…_

…_You were just amused… You didn't think anything of it… and disregarded it as child's play… _

A green and white eye blinked in unison, and a tongue flicked out to lick chapped lips, observing as the skin amalgamated with the aid of his magic in some places while in other areas leaving parts deliberately untouched, for a doctor's care instead. Subaru shuttered as he stroked along two broken ribs, healing away the small fractures and even the deep cracks before touching the meat of torn muscle, of ripped, rubbery skin…

_I thought all along that you just thought of me as something to play with. I thought you would eventually give me what I wanted, I was so sure I would get what I wanted, so certain I would be the one to die… _

_I understand now what it means to not care about anyone… _

_It also means… not really caring about yourself, either… Not afraid of death… not afraid of misery… not fearing anything because you don't have any wants for yourself, and if you do, you ignore your own desires as much as you ignore as anyone else's... _

_Am I wrong?_

The temperature of the room was starting to warm the skin to a more normal degrees, bit by bit and piece by piece – a good thing, since he'd be far too cold when he was to awake.

_If he awakes. If I don't die… If I don't fail… _

Subaru traced out the shrunken circle on Seishirou's chest with a single finger, swallowing, the air thick, stiffening … _Wish this hole… _forcing himself not to look away _…was on my chest... _forcing himself not to bolt aside and vomit from the perverse visual. Even with the healing done, it was an awful sight. The onmyoji could reconstruct all too clearly the memory of that blood on his hands, thick as oil as it rolled down his arm, creeping over his skin like large red beetles that liquefied as they reached his clothing and painted him crimson.

Subaru ignored all these imageries, shaking his head swiftly back and forth, glancing to the door, sensing Kamui's presence easily even with the barrier of the wall and reconstructing the visual in his mind as if Kamui were before him. Kamui, posed, slender arms wrapped tightly around himself in an apparent state of fragility, one leg crossed over the other, soft lips pursed like opening rose buds, violet eyes narrowed, wavy bangs falling in front of his face, thin eyebrows scrunched together in – Subaru could only wonder – but what it truly looked like was … misery…

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Subaru ignited his shikigami before beginning, having realized somewhere in his musings the previous night it was probably better to already have it with him, rather than using the spell to call it to him _during_ Taimaiso's competence. That had certainly been difficult, eradicating dark onmyojitsu arts and then calling to light; magic with two totally different presences and properties, only further severing his subconscious and making him fumble as he did with the kitten.

The unique dove-like bird that was his shikigami retained its usual milky, opal glow, a comforting sight; the same as it had been since he'd first called to it when he was nine, even with the ever changing circumstances. It was odd that his shikigami hadn't changed the slightest even when his personality had taken a twist into oddity. He'd read somewhere, long ago, that it was possible for a shikigami to change its appearance, sometimes even its _abilities_, if its sire's mind was damaged horrendously enough, or if the onmyoji was possessed - but then again, maybe his personality had been _foretold_; the line of that already seeming antiquated and loosing any intriguing luster it might have once held, turning into nothing but a weak, ugly aphorism in the Sumeragi Subaru's eyes.

The spirited puffed out its features and stretched each of its short wings as it perched itself on one of the shelves. Kamui stared up at it dubiously. Subaru couldn't help but smile, even with that premonition feeling rooting around in his stomach; spurting out something akin to rotting flowers and a foggy coldness that made him want to shudder in fear and in excitement - _Much_ more fear then excitement, enough fear to be considered agonizing, torturous.

He examined Kamui's back as the boy attempted increasing his height by standing on his toes, stretching out questing fingers to the bird, making himself seem smaller and somehow innocently helpless. A small stroke of power was all it took for the shikigami to flutter out its wings and land on Kamui's hand. Kamui drew his hand back, turning to Subaru to give him a grateful grin and then examining the bird in admiration.

Subaru heard him whisper a small, breathless, "_Pretty_…," those luscious violet eyes clouded and glassy in awe.

Subaru looked aside, feeling just a touch embarrassed. The green and white orbs met the legs of Seishirou's stretcher, climbing upward apprehensively… He'd covered the Sakurazukamori back in the sheet, and then another, thicker quilt, to warm him. He'd also done this to keep him hidden, for Kamui's sake. Lord knew the boy had seen enough death…

"We should start."

Subaru didn't like the way his voice sounded. Raw. Dry. Exposed.

He could sense it when Kamui nodded beside him. Subaru breathed in profoundly, drawing sticky air into his lungs, vainly attempting to sooth his nerves: and melt that intense block of ice seated in his abdomen, spreading throughout his body like the limbs of a tree, the constriction of his own flesh that was _terror_ – the sweat on the back of his neck, on his arms, leaking down like portentous drips of vomit mingled with poison, the hint of a great illness – the soft, gentle pants, only heard in the absolutory of lethal silence – the lowered rhythm of his heart - in his mind he could see the glow of his shikigami as it glittered off Kamui's fingers, sparkling like Tokyo's own city lights, landing on his shoulder instead.

He turned, only taking one or two steps to reach the table he'd been using previously. It took all his training in meditation to slide the spell book into his palms without trembling.

_Calm down… calm down… I need to calm down… _

His body tensed in automatic reaction when he felt something make contact with his back – immediately he searched for the source – only to see Kamui's eyes staring up at him, sadness glistening in the pupils of his eyes; two enlarged, dark holes like whirlpools of that violet sea seeming to suck Subaru's breath out of his chest as if in the swipe of a wave, swallowing his thoughts and feelings in one piercing moment. He felt the object on his back move, regaining his stance into reality, and his mind identified the object quickly as Kamui's hand – rubbing along the line of his spine, dipping into the crevice, offering genuine, heartfelt comfort. It was very gentle; almost enough to tickle, not so much a touch as the implication of it, but Subaru was more focused on Kamui's countenance. The way his eyes seemed to take all light within itself and shine it back outward in a dance of sublimity – the mauve irises holding patterns like the rocky gorge of a mountain range; cut into jagged shapes as elegant as the outlining of a butterfly's wings. It was dangerously easy to become spellbound by it.

"Be careful." He murmured.

Subaru nodded, the fear, the tenseness leaving him, draining from his body as if he'd just been showered by some sort of unworldly rain…

"I'll be quiet. I won't get in the way-"

"-no matter what happens." Subaru finished for him. Kamui blinked, lips parting, looking as if he wanted to say something more, or even object - "Kamui. Even if I collapse, go into a seizure, bleed from my ears, anything - _Don't_ get in the way. You can't fix it if something goes wrong. It's not that I don't want your help," he covered when he saw the boy's face look crestfallen, "but you _can't_ help. Don't try to even call to me, until you've sensed all the _ki_ and power fade. Don't try to reverse the effects if something goes wrong-"

"But—"

"-No matter what. _Promise_ me." Subaru whispered, hating the desperate plea of his own voice, even with the sternness of an adult behind it, aplomb and unchanging. Kamui was far too important to risk in this dangerous task, for the world's sake, and for Subaru's own, selfish sake. He cared dearly for the boy... Even if he hadn't been 'the Kamui', he could never let the teenager be involved... Also, there were many others who cared for Kamui – he didn't want to _think _what the Seals reactions would be if Kamui was hurt by something that didn't involve the battles – and how plagued with guilt he would himself feel. He absolutely refused to take the chance, even if it meant he would be alone and suffer for it.

Subaru added, murmuring sorrowfully, "…I can't let you stay here and try to help unless you promise."

Kamui looked like he'd been struck with a slap for a brief instant – a split second that made Subaru feel as if he'd committed the most sinful of acts - but it dissipated instantly, to his relief, and Kamui nodded in pliancy, lifting his face up and holding a direct gaze with his friend. "Alright. I promise."

Subaru felt the last remaining tenseness of his body going lax. "…Thank you."

Kamui offered him a tiny, pleased smile, and stepped around Subaru, towards the door. The blind and green eye followed his lithe motions.

"Shall I wait here, or outside?" Kamui asked, half-turning towards the onmyoji, with no hesitation, no fear or biased opinion of what Subaru wanted in his voice.

Subaru thought for a moment, glancing at the book, then back at Kamui. "I suppose standing there is fine."

Kamui nodded, and leant his back to the shut door, looking as if he was preparing himself for the next minutes, perhaps hours, that were sure to be invigorating. His arms were crossed, and he looked more ready for whatever was to come than Subaru felt.

Subaru continued as if Kamui wasn't there, blocking out his presence from the subconscious of his mind.

The pages crinkled like dead leaves as he turned to the page labeled Chapter five.

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So thus he began. It was the same process as it had been the previous night, which gave the Sumeragi enough buoyancy to say the chants without stuttering or mumbling, his voice loud and clear; as boisterous as it was when he was yelling spells during battles. Kamui watched with fearful eyes; rounded large mauve skylines, watered and dampened as if from dew hanging on flower petals; hugging himself and staring, but not daring to utter a single word and break the sound of Subaru's voice.

Subaru felt dazed, as if the things that were happening weren't being caused by him, like the steps had been embedded into his mind and had become instinctive. Several times he had to regain focus as he chanted, and he was beginning to felt the _ki_ in himself gathering, a near mimic of last night's activities. But it was stronger. Thicker. It also felt different, lukewarm and cloudy as it coated the inner walls of his throat, encompassing him entirely in a growing heat as it spread to the corners of his body.

Concentrating fully was not an easily done task, but the onmyoji strained onward, reading, jaw hurting, mouth drying, his throat itching from vocals, but not pausing once, the thought of Kamui standing in the corner observing all this already banished from his mind. It was as if the teenager wasn't there at all.

He kept repeating word after word in Chinese until they blurred together in an incoherent mess, and he felt the force of _ki_ flowing through the channels in his body and radiating off it, like steam rising from heated skin. His vision sliced in half. He called to his shikigami in automatic reflex, and it delved into the opening of brightened, white-light, entering the channel of the spirit word in one unstopping force, like the powerful engine of a train leering onward into a pitch black night.

Momentarily Subaru was blinded by the magic, his skin arising in goose bumps as he saw, felt, and touched through his shikigami, half-seeing the page and reading while seeing the other side, trying to not become dazed… for some reason he could hear… a melody…

A soothing melody, like a lullaby, sung on a sweet mother's lips to her ill child. Subaru could not see the world, it was far too black, so dark he could not even truly make out his shikigami's glowing hue – and the onmyoji could _feel_ the spirits, all around him, more then he'd ever felt before in one place a one time, like some kind of invisible masquerade, playing about him and chilling him right to the core, into his naked _soul_: an exposure that was near mind-shattering The vastness of time and space stretched out beyond his vision, beyond _eternity_, swallowing all sight. It was something like being suspended in the air, and Subaru called his shikigami to go forward, unsure if it was really the body of his shikigami he was seeing through, sensing through, not having time to think while searching for light… _light…_ until he could see a blaring star, standing out in that dark ocean, like a diamond – calling to him… in that ripened, liquefied voice, drawing him closer - going on until it encompassed him, like the enormous, gaping jaws of a _monster_… But he could feel Seishirou's presence growing like an arising furnace in his body, as illuminating, as blinding as the star's radiance…

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_Chapter one - END_


	4. Awakening

My thanks goes out to Rei Asakura again, who is very honest to me about my writing and takes the time out of her busy life to beta this.

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_Chapter 2 - Awakening _

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There was an expanse of whiteness - utter lunacy – that white of a psychiatric facility that broken patients must stare at to pass their idle time; the boredom that clustered in their minds, as thick as depression, until the whole world was numb with the exception of one single color.… it was… maddening… this whiteness… like the white of death, the color one's skin turned once the body had just begun to rot and decay, morphing into nothing but a hunk of dissipating flesh... Subaru detested it instantly, shrinking back into the… bed… that was supporting him, wondering where he was, why he was lying down. What had…. ?

The onmyoji jolted upward, ignoring the way the wires attached to him jerked with his movement like many leeches suckling on his skin, the IV drip swinging on its stand, the plastic bag twitching like a clock's hand for a single moment before everything went still. Subaru blinked, swallowed dry air, breathed again, deeper, blinking, lost… confused… afraid… like he hadn't been in a long time…

…_The spell …._

_Seishi— !_

He did not even finish the thought before he near leapt off the bed, the blanket fluttering away from his body, the cold air striking him and leaving goose bumps across his bare chest. His eyes were fully opened, and he was momentarily blinded by the brightness of the room as it impaled his vision like a blade. Something pushed down on his shoulders before he fully sat up and then proceeded to push him back down onto the bed, on his back - gasping, Subaru looked up, startled, his countenance tense and frightened, his mind disoriented as he thought only of what had happened, why he was in the hospital, and what had happened to Seishirou –

"…Calm down, it's s'okay," Sorata murmured. Subaru could feel the hectic beating of his heart, and he could finally coherently hear it in his throat and being mimicked in the heart monitor; an irritating buzzing noise like a mosquito in his ear. A moment of silence ensued as he realized Kamui was also in the room, hovering behind Sorata, his face pained as he stood apart from the spectacle, like a saddened witness. Subaru's eyes then trailed back to Sorata with a flicker, blinking, hearing and feeling himself pant.

"Wha-? Sorata-san-"

"I think you have a bit of explaining to do," Sorata said.

Subaru stared back into the chocolate color of Sorata's eyes, seeing his own reflection in one of them, glistening back at him like a dark mirror in a black pond, somehow making the reality of what had happened more intense and frightening. He shivered, realizing then his half-naked state, the chill of the hospital room making him settle back down to the blankets, to the infinite warmth of cloth and fabric and making him feel more secure in it; in a way that was almost delirious and feverish. He clenched his fists beneath the covers, heart still pounding erratically as he inquired mentally why his hands were bandaged into mittens and why he was lying around in bed when Seishirou could be in tenfold the amount of pain he was in right now.

Kamui's shortness forced the teenager to stand on his toes to get a look at Subaru, and it was almost comical, if not for the situation. Eventually Kamui became annoyed with that and went around Sorata to the other side of the bed. Subaru's white and green eye followed him, and he then turned back to Sorata's unusually firm features, not knowing where to start his explanation when he was confused himself, or what part he should be explaining.

And at the moment, he didn't _care_ enough to give an explanation – he wanted to know where Seishirou was, and what had happened, why he couldn't remember pieces he was obviously supposed to remember. Right now. _This instant_. He tugged on Kamui's shirt sleeve, a subconscious show of his inner hysteria and anxiety, looking away from Sorata to be enraptured in the engulfing purple hue of Kamui's eyes, shimmering and glorious as they looked down at him. Kamui gave a tiny, broken smile at Subaru, causing the onmyoji to realize what he was doing. He released Kamui's shirt, his hand dropping to his side, made heavier from the weight of the gauze. He continued to hold Kamui's regard whilst musing rapidly, thoughts shifting through each phase of the spell, back-tracking it, re-tracking it, combing it for any lost detail, for the missing article of his memory that would end his fears with either a blast of horror… or relief.

"… He's fine." Kamui whispered.

Subaru's breath started going faster, his heart racing, not knowing which reaction was coming from which emotion and unable to place whom with what. He wanted to smile, he truly did, but he knew a small sentence couldn't describe the whole extremity of the circumstances. Being fine meant one thing alone – Seishirou was _alive_ – but in what _state_ he was in – was a different matter entirely. And so extreme happiness and extreme sadness collided with one another, leaving Subaru with only a small pang of hope that too had a counterpart to keep it from turning into something great, leaving him with nothing but brittle grains of a possibility; chips and cracked fragments that even slipped from his grasp. Subaru found he wanted to cry more then smile over the hideous apathy he contained; a dark mountain that constantly soared into the red horizon of his mind; the bloodiest of stains to his soul, like red wine spilled over a pale satin dress. …But he couldn't accomplish sobbing, either, not even a graze of it or a whimper. He'd forgotten how to cry a long time ago.

"It's _okay,_ I swear it's okay," Kamui said, his voice edging into desperation, the words sounding more like a plea then a statement, right on the brink of a sob. Abruptly he grabbed onto each of Subaru's shoulders and Subaru stared straight into Kamui's poisonous, intoxicating features, almost addictive, as he distantly felt the petite hands slide around his shoulders and around his back, bare skin against bare skin, and Kamui pulled Subaru into an embrace, Subaru clearly feeling the way Kamui's hands brushed over his chilled flesh and the way Kamui's shirt did very little for a barrier between their bodies. An icy wetness ran along Subaru's neck when Kamui buried his face into the junction created by Subaru's neck and shoulder; tears running along his collarbone like a frozen stream.

Kamui trembled, sniffling, and Subaru watched Sorata from the corner of his glance, the Osaka boy's body appearing aloof as he stood apart from them, saying nothing, doing nothing to interfere or interrupt. Subaru focused his attention completely back to Kamui and stroked Kamui's back, and Kamui shook in response and the stream of water seemed to increase as it made his face slippery against Subaru's skin, his tears chilly and thick like cold syrup. He coughed, just briefly and sniffled again, nuzzling against Subaru's skin affectionately. Kamui then made the hold around Subaru's body tighter, so the space between their chests was nonexistent and he whispered in a shaky, low voice,

"I d-didn't… do.. anything… You c-collapsed.. and I waited for the spell to.. break… I wanted to help, but I listened to what you said—"

The onmyoji deliberately relaxed, and nodded his head in understanding, knowing it would be felt. "Thank you, Kamui. " This time Subaru made for them to be closer, the side of his nose brushing along Kamui's jaw, to his ruffled hair, feeling it more then seeing it. The onmyoji meant it, too. Kamui had helped and obeyed even if it had caused him pain…

Kamui choked a bit on his tears, before he shook his head, his voice turning even more hushed, so Subaru had to strain to hear him and make coherent of his rattling words. "I t-thought… I s-saw you fall… You weren't b…breathing… I thought… you _died_…"

Subaru closed his eyes, falling into a stupor-like trance, disregarding Sorata's presence from his consciousness and subconscious as he held onto the thin, small body that was warm and shaking in his grasp, the two of them intimately connected in that singular moment, close as they could be without being lovers. Subaru brushed the teenager's back with his hand in soft, tentative motions, rolling his wrist along Kamui's spine rather then grasping, dully feeling the linked chain of the bones even through the cloth, trying to do nothing but offer comfort. He winced, hoping there was no disquiet on his face as he held onto Kamui – he _did_ feel guilt, like a small pressure of a feeble hand against his throat, for that risk he'd taken, what he'd done – but he didn't regret it. If it worked properly, he could never regret it, especially after all the mental stress and suffering it had put him through within only such a short time period. It was… entirely worth it… it _had _to be worth it…

Kamui was the one who separated their hold on each other, blinking; the whites of his eyes reddened and pink from aggravation, his cheeks flushed, breathing still irregular. He shook his head in embarrassment, playing out a weak smile to show he would be alright as he messily wiped his tears away with his hand; then balled his hands into fists and rubbed over his eyelids, the corner of his smile twitching as if it wanted to collapse all over again.

Subaru reached out his hand to touch Kamui's forearm, but stopped short at finally seeing the gauze around his hand, then _both_ hands, surprised by the dark, ugly brown blotch of… indefinitely, dried blood, hidden beneath the yellow bandaging… Perplexed he curled and uncurled his fingers; though surprised, it didn't show on his face, his eyes appearing glazed and unfocused. The top of his hands ached when he flexed his fingers, skin painful to stretch; as if hot wires had been pressed into the backs of his hands – wires of a peculiar shape, of a star, an inverted pentagram, the symbol of all his love and all his hatred…

Messily he moved the restricted fingers of his right hand in an attempt to unwrap the left. "Subaru – " Kamui said quickly, ending his voice in a breath, and made to touch Subaru's arm – but Subaru's gaze flickered to Kamui, and something barren, something dead and unforgiving in his eyes prevented Kamui from doing anything further.

The bandage unwrapped, the cloth rolling away, Subaru's skin oversensitive and softened beneath it, pinked from the gauze. He flexed his left hand a bit more before letting the cloth fall away entirely, revealing his marred skin. There the pentagram stood, not in a glow of magic but in physical, tangible form, visible to anyone, even to a person who knew nothing of magic. It looked as if someone had taken a jagged piece of glass to his skin and sloppily outlined the lines of the symbol. Some places were more open and cut then others, and stung much more. The doctors had not stitched it together, so the parts of his skin that were split lay open to the cool air, and he could see the insides of his hand, of his torn muscle, and the caked, dried blood that laid around it.

It was deranged, seeing his own body cut like that, cut enough so he could look insidehimself.

Why had the pentagram reappeared on his skin in such a violent manner?

_What_ on _Earth_ did it mean?

_Is this a reflection of Seishirou's pain…? _

_Is it even significant? _

Subaru held in a swallow of air.

_God… _

_I just want to see him. _

_I want to see him. _

_So much…_

_This is so painful… _

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and by the broadness and firmness of it he knew it was Sorata, and its touch irked him incredibly for some unknown reason, but he said and did nothing against it, knowing Sorata meant no cruelty towards him. A shaky sigh emitted from the onmyoji as agony flared in his body, though he reached for the bandaging on the floor as if he was undisturbed, but before he could Kamui pulled it up for him and took his hand as gently as the wind, and began to re-wrap it. Subaru didn't object, and remained silent, though his thoughts were a far cry from silent.

"When he woke up, your hands just started… _bleeding._ I don't know why." Kamui whispered the last part, sounding ashamed, interrupting his musings. "You looked like you were in pain… I couldn't do anything…"

"I don't remember it." Subaru said quietly, observing the way his skin became hidden as the fabric lowered down onto his hand – Kamui stopped immediately, the second Subaru spoke, and looked up, eyes wide.

"..You don't?"

Subaru shook his head and the sudden agony he felt increased and made him jerk in automatic reflex. Subaru shut both eyes, white and green, as if he was in terrible pain, and his body trembled of just the faintest, slightest spasms.

"_I want to see him_," His voice was harsh whisper; dire and urgent.

An eerie quiet followed the onmyoji's uncharacteristic display of hedonism.

Subaru felt a hand lift from his shoulder and then the monk's presence maneuver around the bed so then he was before Subaru, standing just besides Kamui.

Kamui bit his lower lip, appearing smaller and frail next to Sorata's taller and larger body. "…You had a fever before, Subaru. A fever of 102F."

Subaru stopped his previous train of thought in surprise. "…how long was I-?"

"Four hours," Sorata interjected, and then sighed, his shoulders slumping. He looked weary and tired, as if he hadn't slept decently in at least 24 hours, and his eyes were unusually unfocused and distant from fatigue. It wasn't a stance Subaru was used to seeing Sorata in, and it further increased his guilt. But he had more important things to worry about right now…

As for the fever, his cut hands… it certainly explained why his body felt like it was still half-asleep. Subaru was unusually wearisome, in a way that his limbs felt like awkward pieces of wood and his legs were in the same laden manner. His stomach felt queasy and upset, as if he was resonating from puking, or on the verge of it; Subaru wasn't sure if it was due to the fever he'd had not too long ago (which he couldn't recall at all) or if it was from hunger. Perhaps it was medicine - he'd probably been given some to lower his fever.

His own sickness was hardly enough from stopping him from seeing Seishirou, though. They were obviously in the same hospital. So what other problem was there? It would only be a short walk, he could handle it.

Now determined, Subaru slid his legs from under the blankets, shifting his body carefully, like a snake curving on desert sand. Then nausea struck his whole torso, and he gasped, hearing dimly Kamui's yell of "_Subaru_!" while his mind dizzily spiraled before he could put both his feet on the cold floor. Pain burst on the side he was bent into, a wildfire beneath his skin and curling around his waist, and a whip-like cord of that fire lashing at his throat. Subaru pushed a whimper back down his throat. Sorata's hands were immediately on his shoulders, clasping him down onto the bed, his face somber. Subaru looked up at him, green eye glistening, panting, breathe edged with pain.

"There's no need ta' rush. Sakurazuka's stabilized, and he's unconscious, anyway – it won't matter to wait for a bit.

"'sides, missy and Yuzuhira-chan are here, too. They'd want to see ya' and make sure you're okay. We need to tell the doctor anyway, before you go anywhere."

At least the sense of dread that followed this sentence gave Subaru's mind something to concentrate on other than his queasiness.

But he truly didn't want to wait. He felt a weird taste of bitter, acid stubbornness and anger he wasn't used to, at the thought of waiting. He_ really_ wanted to see Seishirou. This situation was so precarious – what if he died in the hospital, when Subaru himself was only a few rooms away? What if Seishirou was conscious for even a short instant and he missed it? The list could go on –

- Although he could see Sorata's perspective on this. And Subaru did feel very ill, as if one movement of his body could cause him to vomit all over the hospital bed sheets. The imagery of that picture made him feel even _more_ ill, and Subaru re-shifted his legs so he was in a comfortable position, trying to relax his currently hypersensitive body. All his nerves tingled with individual sensations, sensations of urgency and misery, and the pain seated in his abdomen that was causing the ceiling to become a blur, his mind melting into a pool of unfathomable thoughts; though it was an undercurrent, overrun by fatigue. Kamui and Sorata loomed over him, their countenances worried - Subaru wished they didn't worry so much for him - and that they weren't peering at him like _that_, in a way that made him feel so horribly for something he'd wanted to do, never mind _how much _he wanted it... "I'll get a nurse," Kamui said hurriedly. Sorata glanced at Kamui and nodded, and Kamui left Subaru's range of vision as he swept away in a brisk walk.

Silence ensued Kamui's departure, hazily making its way into the hospital room, thick like poisonous fog. Subaru watched Sorata stare at him in concern.

The onmyoji then sighed lazily, shutting his eyes, thinking back to what Sorata had said earlier…

_What did I expect? I'd have to tell them eventually… _

_Might else well be now._

He took a deeper, more stabilizing breath that didn't make him feel less ill or more confident - making the effort useless. But there was nothing to hide anymore and nothing to be ashamed of. Subaru knew he couldn't constantly abuse himself for his wants and desires, not now especially, when he was so close to_ possibly_ achieving happiness. The opinions of the other Dragons of Heaven with the exception of Kamui mattered very little to him... He would be upset if they disproved, but what could he do? It was his... his only path to happiness… of any possible happiness, or even – not even that – of the continuance of his life. He did not want to live without Seishirou...

"…what is there to explain? Isn't it all obvious by now?" He murmured, thankful that his voice wasn't a croak, thankful for the illusion that made him appear as if he wasn't sick or worried or cracking under stress. He could only hope that Sorata wouldn't be completely revolted by his decision.

Sorata didn't answer, watching his comrade's in a calm equilibrium that didn't hint at his thoughts.

Subaru paused, debating with himself, but only for a short moment. "I'm in love with him."

Oddly, this major confession didn't make the onmoyji feel the least bit tense. Instead, he felt drained, like any possible fears intermingled with the confession had washed away long before he'd even faced them, or even thought of facing them. The hardest part of it had been accepting it _himself_, and he'd done that long ago; when he'd realized - after twisting himself into a knot of masochism - that he'd wanted to die – and _specificall_y – by Seishirou's hand. Admitting his love for his counterpart was simple in comparison to every other complicated aspect of their relationship.

Sorata's expression didn't change, but something in his gaze was saddened, nearly sympathetic.

_Do you pity me? _

Subaru's expression was of broken sincerity.

_Do you pity that I'm in love with the only person I should hate?_

He wasn't saying the words out loud, but surely Sorata could have heard them in his countenance, written on his face like musical chords; playing themselves…

"…I'm not angry with ya'," Sorata replied after a long pause, and inhaled, as if to re-gather his strewn thoughts in the cool air of the hospital with a single breath. Subaru felt a chill drop in his stomach, ominous to his judgment. "Just…" The monk gave Subaru a tapering smile, and his orchard eyes were soft, but it wasn't with pity... "I mean, I hadda' feeling… You know… it was _obvious_, now that I think about it… But I… I didn't want to make foolish assumptions."

"It's not your fault," Subaru spoke quietly. "I hid it from everyone. I was… ashamed…" He sighed, trying to relax his tense muscles against the stiff plush of the hospital mattress. He played with the bandaging of his hands beneath the bed sheets, clenching and unclenching his sweaty fingers, skin stretching, burning and painful. He winced, and swallowed before continuing. "…And really, it's my own business. It's not something I like to talk about... You didn't know anything because _I_ didn't want anything known. So please don't feel guilty because you didn't know," The onmyoji paused, and lowered his eyes, both unseeing and withdrawn inwardly, as if Subaru was visualizing a complete different world, far, far away from the boundaries of the hospital's milky walls. "I _just_…

"it's _so_ hard… for me to-"

Subaru's sentence faded off when abrupt nausea rolled up his throat like a thick ball, and he leant fully on his back, shutting his eyes and swallowing again in disgust as heat made his skin rise to uncomfortable, sticky degrees, clouding his mind in steam. He felt it when Sorata moved, could _sense_ it in his mind, and knew the Osaka teenager was leaning over him. He shuddered when Sorata's palm touched his forehead, quivered when he felt its shocking coldness against his slick, hot skin, as the long digits explored his bangs and parted them to touch his skin more fully.

"You're burning up again…" Sorata's voice was solemn and grave, and touched with concern. "Don't worry about' any of this stuff right now. Just focus on getting_ better_, okay? No good will come out if we rush things. Don't be anxious or afraid." Sorata's hand roamed through the strands of his hair, brushing them back in soothing, tender caresses, gestures Subaru was not familiar to after the years without his sister, and he was too tired to make sense of the nostalgic sense of euphoria that threatened to drown him with the touch.

And it seemed like the most horrible of things when that hand's touch abandoned him; a strangled fear rose in his chest, and a whisper of a cry escaped his throat without his decision, his mind not coherent enough to know what it was for, the loneliness or the physical pain. He heard clattering footsteps and a few blurry, jumbled words, some calm while others shaken. He heard his own name being called several times, but he was not sure by who… and then something pricked into his skin, barely perceptible as it broke the barrier of his flesh and seeped into his blood in a cold invasion; and then the onmyoji was tired, so tired that he could do nothing more but succumb into… sleep…

-

-

-

-

-

Awakening from sleep was like awakening after falling asleep in a hot tub. Subaru blinked, eyes half shut and still dipping towards closing again, but his curiosity kept him from falling back to slumber. He parted his lips to yawn, but realized he couldn't as well as he would have liked – something was on his mouth, restricting the movement, and he reached out nimble fingers to touch it, his fingers sliding across smooth plastic. Exploring the object more, Subaru realized vaguely it was an oxygen mask – he could feel the strap of it around his head, digging almost painfully against his skin and scalp - now that his senses were beginning to awaken with his mind. Sleepily he moved his fingers around the rough strap, easing it off and putting it aside.

For a moment he simply lay there without seeing, the darkness warm, comforting, singing a hued lullaby to entice him back into dreamless oblivion. His own heart monitor had been put on silent, so all around him was quiet, painted in blackness, tranquil. He was mildly surprised to find that he had his own room, especially considering this was _Tokyo _and hospitals were usually filled to begin with due to lack of space and an enormous population… But also now because of the incidents with the apocalypse… it should have made the hospital much more crowded. So why had he been allowed his own room?

Dizzily the onmyoji pushed the question from his mind. The answer was hardly of any importance.

Waking up more fully now, or fully enough so that he could identify the shape of his bed and body, Subaru pushed himself up with one arm, wincing as he leant on one of his cut hands. Once upright he tossed the blanket aside – and his whole body shook in the shock of the cold air, and a tiny gasp escaped him, the hospital nightgown hardly doing anything to protect him from the cold. It was the equivalent to having a chilled river of molasses crawling over his skin, exploring him, raping him of his senses, even if just for an instant. The Sumeragi bit his lip, shut his eyes and curled up his legs, hugging them to his waist and shuddering, feeling oddly exposed even though he was alone. He wondered where his clothes were.

…_I hope Kamui's not fretting about me. _Subaru lifted his head, and attempted to distinguish shapes from each other; and this was a much more difficult task for him then it would be to the average person, considering he only had one eye. The room had no window, and thus he was forced to use the poor, miniscule lights of the hospital equipment as a guide.

He managed to identify two doors, but neither of them held any implication as to what they were for, where they led. Subaru plucked tiny wires from his skin, only feeling deft pricks and itches as he removed them. The IV drip had a larger, thicker wire, held down by tape and gauze, so he decided to leave it in, afraid he might damage it or himself if he attempted to take it out. Fully awake now, Subaru thrust his feet out from on the bed and onto the floor, careful to mind the IV drip as he did so. The icy hospital tiles sent goose bumps up his legs and a startled his heart beat, but he ignored it, took a hold of the pole of the IV drip, and wandered meekly in the dark for the door to his right - the one that was closest to the bed. Once reaching it the onmyoji fumbled around for the door knob, released the skinny pole, and used touch rather then sight until his hand clasped around slick metal. It wasn't locked. Turning it slowly he opened it, peeking in the doorway only to come in contact with what was obviously a closet.

It was impossible to discern what was inside it, so Subaru searched for a light switch, and when he found one the entire closet lit up in blindingly bright yellow. The closet was small; contained only a few boxes, save for a single hanger where Subaru's pants and shirt dangled from. (He hadn't been stripped naked, thankfully - he still had his shorts on beneath the hospital gown) Relieved, Subaru took his clothing from it and stepped back, turned, and leant to the wall, relaxing for a moment as he contemplated on what task he wanted to complete next.

_Seishirou-san… _

It would be easy to locate Seishirou. Subaru could sense his magical aura, the only magical aura in the entire hospital. Simple. Exceedingly so. He swallowed nervously, discovering then how dry his throat was – another reason to get out of the room - he could get a drink of water. Deciding on that course of action, Subaru's heart acquired a faster, painful pace, and his eyes traveled back to the translucent wire of the IV drip, then down the cord to where it invaded his skin cruelly as it sank like a snake's fangs into his flesh- spreading his skin apart, seeping into his blood- to where it was secured by tape and fabric, fixed into position.

It would be painful to remove.

Subaru remembered distantly he might have removed another IV drip once before when he first woke from catatonia, but he could hardly recollect the incident enough to give himself any confidence.

He glanced at his clothing, and sighed.

_I have to take it out if I want to get dressed. _

…_Well, not necessarily. I could just put on my pants and keep the hospital gown on... _

He shut his eyes in frustration.

_No, forget that. If I'm wandering around with an IV the doctors and nurses in the hall are going to know I'm a patient. _

_At least let them catch me after I've seen Seishirou-san. _

He inhaled profusely, and the fingers of his right hand wandered hesitantly to the underside of his left arm, dithering like the hands of a musical composer. He leant more securely against the wall and fiddled with the end of the tape, loosening it on either side so that the ends of it curled up like burnt paper, which was a bit difficult considering his hands were still rolled in bandaging. He could feel where the needle of the IV drip dug into his skin, and he was careful to slowly pull the tape up, from one side and then the other, inching and inching to the center, taking his leisure, not wanting to accidentally rip the tape out and thus rip the needle out. _As if I need more scars. _He thought with some bitterness, feeling more confident now that he had reached where the needle indented into his skin without mishap.

Wincing, he lifted up the tape, swallowing when the large needle moved beneath his skin. One piece of the tape still touched the needle, and it would not budge with his light pulling. He inhaled and pulled it off a little more roughly then intended, feeling the needle jerk, widening the hole it penetrated through and cutting him further, but nothing too serious. With the tape gone, the IV came out with an effortless slide.

Subaru blinked, looking around for a place to hold up the tube so it would not lie on the floor. He glanced at the pole – the IV drip's bag was dangling from nothing more then a hook. The onmyoji rose up his hand holding the tube and slid it into the hook.

Satisfied with that, he looked back at his arm, touching the small wound. He felt warm liquid smear around his finger tips, so he pressed the gauze of his hand to it, waiting momentarily as he thought of what to do next.

The Sumeragi turned his head towards the other door, noting the pale yellow light that peeked into his room from beneath it; and the sound of clicking shoes and rolling wheels as patients and doctors roamed the hospital corridors. Patiently he waited, spreading out a weak beacon of energy outwards into the hall to sense for life forces. He would wait until the hallway was clear.

Standing there, alone and in the dark, waiting for the people in the hallway to disperse, made Subaru feel as if he were a spy sneaking about an enemy's dangerous territory, where any sudden motion or loud noise would mean the end of his life; of his mission. He knew it was a ridiculous way to feel, but it made a halfhearted smile tug at the corner of his lips in a prying, insistent way, as his stomach churned like an anxious sea. He was both giddy and afraid, his heart fast and fierce in his chest, his legs numb and chest tight as if it were tangled in knots Again_, ridiculous._ If Subaru were to be caught, he would merely be lead back to his room - and even then he could ask the nurse (or doctor, depending on who found him) if he could make a quick visit to see Seishirou.

Somehow he still didn't want to be caught, even if it was a more logical solution.

Messily he removed his hand from the needle puncture, and stripped off his hospital gown, his whole body shuddering from naked exposure. Subaru only felt this way for an instant before he was sliding into his jeans, smoothing out the stiff fabric, and then quick fingers were doing the button and the zipper. With a swipe he then tugged his shirt over his head, momentarily blinded by cloth, but nothing more then that. Once dressed the onmyoji clasped his arm again, mouth drawn into a thin line, face outlined in pale light as he bathed in blackness.

No one was in the hallway.

Hurriedly he moved to the door, attempting to be soundless. Subaru easily turned the knob and then a second later he was out in the hall, shutting the door behind him, partially blinded by the harsh lighting. He refocused, eyes adjusting, and then his head jerked to the other end of the hall as a doctor rounded the corner; the doctor's head hung as the man observed papers on a clip board, silky black hair shining as he walked. Subaru held his breath, though the man didn't seem to be paying attention to him, or even taking notice he was there. He passed Subaru without pause, and Subaru watched his retreating back momentarily, hearing the echoing sound of the footsteps fading, before he looked aside and wandered the way in which the man had come, digging his hands into his pockets as he did so.

_Easy. _

_Urg, my throat hurts. _

Subaru brought a hand to his throat and rubbed the stark white column of it, soothing the pain while massaging it with light pressure and sinuous, circular motions of his fingertips, rubbing along the skin. It helped a little. His eyes darted along the walls in search of a fountain or bathroom of some sort, but then decided against it. His nerves were shot. The onmyoji stuffed his hands into his jeans, hung his head, paused, turned a corner, and then crossed his arms nervously, trying to hold himself back from crumbling into pieces as he followed Seishirou's unmistakable magical aura.

Indistinguishable though it was, somehow Seishirou's aura felt… _strange._ A magical being's aura was like a constant, soft light emitting from their body that changed only perhaps in dire, special circumstances – one being death – or perhaps in the prelude of dying, the aura would fray and discombobulate. Stretching out his senses further, seeing in his mind without really 'seeing', Subaru could tell even from a distance of two floors that something was wrong. Seishirou's levels of magic kept dropping, writhing, and then rising again in height, only to fall again. It made him nervous, because he didn't know what it meant, and it certainly wasn't normal, nor anything he'd ever witnessed before.

It was an easy enough task to walk across the hallway to the elevator. What disturbed Subaru however was the amount of patients being shuffled through the hallways on stretchers, many of whom were small children, no larger then three feet in height. Their little limbs had been crushed in the earthquakes and so various parts of their bodies were laden in casts; they stared up at Subaru as he past, their dark eyes glistening in the hospital lights, looking sadly helpless. Subaru swallowed and ignored it, relieved when he was finally in the elevator. A few other people were occupied in it, and so Subaru leant against the left back corner, trying to make himself as unobtrusive as possible.

Luckily the first person off wanted to go to the fourth floor, and so the onmyoji was allowed to leave the small, cramped box quickly. His heart was racing in a painfully fast manner. Hurriedly he moved down the white corridor, feeling Seishirou's magic become more propionate as he grew closer to him, as distinguishable from the loitering people as a beacon of light in a pitch black tunnel.

_Just at the end of this hallway, now. _Subaru thought, his mind oddly clogged and throat strangled. He swiftly cadenced down the corridor; like piano keys ramming down the scale, into the lower, profound cords; stopped, tried to clear his blurring musings, and stared at the room's closed door; sharp and bone white, though it was as plain and simple as any of the other doors. It was his last blockade. His eyes flicked up to the number, _282_, though there was no name on the nameplate. The onmyoji could see his own reflection in the nameplate's metal; at least his outward appearance was remotely composed, even if he felt like his heart had dropped into the bottom of his stomach and then had spit in half and fallen into each of his feet, weighing him down and causing him to feel oddly empty and tingled with numbness. He squirmed, wrapped his arms around himself, and tried to crush the nervous nausea stampeding throughout his body. His hands were shaking, and so he smothered them into the crooks of either of his arms.

_Come on, go for it. _

Even if his mind was screaming to move his legs just didn't seem to want to obey – and nor his arms.

He tried to relax, and sensed the people around him glancing at him oddly. He coughed, a speck of embarrassment flirting up inside him.

_..Maybe I should go back to my room. Come back later, when I'm less nervous…_

…_or when I grow a spine. _He shut his eyes, blind and seeing, and took a long swallow of the stale hospital air.

He bit his lip. Hard.

_Just do it. _

And reached out for the knob ineptly –

Then slowly pushed the door inward.

And yet despite his mind's illusions there was no explosion, no burst of fire or blackout of electricity. A part of him was still expecting everything to collapse soon - things - were going far too well as it was. It didn't matter how it went wrong, what was the cause, it was just - _bound _to happen - and so Subaru found himself feeling rather foolish, and maybe more then mildly surprised, when he saw that the hospital room looked like any of the other rooms. Plain. 'Normal' even, if one ignored the extra equipment coating the walls, specifically for the patients that needed to receive extra care. The room was shared by two other patients; and all the patients were hidden from view by grey, thick, ugly curtains that hung like a tapestry from poles. Subaru glanced at each of them, and his mind rang, _Door number one, two, and three_. Though of course he could instantly sense that Seishirou was the furthest from him, with his bed being in the corner.

Subaru felt his heart thudding as he stared at the long, rug-like sheets keeping Seishirou from his view, and his whole mouth went dry, his body rigid. He thought about what was behind those curtains; if what was there was truly the Seishirou he had known, or if he had brought back something garbled to the point where it was impossible to recognize. Subaru had, unfortunately, seen many mad spirits in his line of work and he did not think he could bear it if he was the cause for Seishirou becoming one of them. It was one of the only things he feared; becoming one of those lonesome, lost souls, searching for something that they had lost in life, and not being able to find it… existing without memories, without personality, without companionship… just continuing for one singular goal… and only feeling the pain and self hatred… in trying to find something that wasn't there.

Seishirou… becoming like that… he could not even begin to picture it.

Dimly Subaru felt his legs moving towards the bed, and then his hands were touching the curtains on their own accord. He gripped the fabric with a shaking fist and pulled it aside.

Seishirou was sleeping.

Just sleeping.

Time stopped. The whole world stopped. His own existence was halted in a deadening dimension where he had no sense of self or body. He was floating amidst a barren world, watching time pass from the angle of a person who was not affected by it or its changes. The dragons of heaven, the dragons of earth – the apocalypse – none of it existed.

Seishirou was still so pale, so pale that if it were not for his chest rising and falling, and that horrible oxygen mask strapped to his face, Subaru would have mistaken him for a corpse. He felt himself wobbling forward, not realizing he was until the room was moving. He was a puppet that had just had its strings cut off, and without the support the onmyoji was going to crash. He thrust his hand out and held himself up at the edge of Seishirou's bed, never taking his eyes off the man he loved as he did, and trying to regain control over his limbs and muscles. His hands were hot and sweaty, and his arms trembled as he straightened.

The former Sakurazukamori if he could be considered the 'former' anymore was a sorry sight of his once arrogant, smoothly groomed self, and it was another reminder that the man was even human. He looked thinner, enough to be emaciated, and his skin was whiter then Subaru had ever remembered it being. He also looked very, very tired, even in sleep, and wasn't exactly in what would be considered a 'comfortable' sleeping position, telling Subaru that he probably hadn't awoken once, or that if he had, he was too weak to move. Seishirou's breathing was soft and slow, nearly impossible to hear in the soundless room, making it obvious as to why the oxygen mask was there.

Subaru tenderly reached out his hand, trying to sense his fingers as he did, and soon he was touching Seishirou's cheek, and feeling the rough material of the oxygen mask's strap. Seishirou's skin was warm, maybe even a bit feverish, and so Subaru's hand wandered upward to his forehead, slipping underneath his bangs and pressing the full length of his palm to his skin - he definitely a fever. Subaru pulled his hand back, letting it fall at his side, discarding it like a broken toy.

His heart was made of glass and the sight of Seishirou was cracking it, right along its surface and then edging deeper, into the core of his body, until splintering pain seared in his chest; making it tight and painful to breathe. The more he stared the more pieces fell away into the freezing bottomless expanse of time and space. His face felt wet, for some reason, and he lifted a hand to it, brushing his digits over one of his cheeks and then pulling it back to observe.

Tears.

_God… _

At this realization he choked, gasped, struck with some outwardly revolution, and instantly more tears were falling, creating a thick foam over his eyes, and he knew they were tears as the room fell upward startlingly fast and then he was on his knees, burying his face into the thin hospital mattress, choking on his own throat as he tried to remember which way he was supposed to exhale and which way he was supposed to inhale – and it was all his fault, _all his fault _that Seishirou was in this condition and it was his fault that the man had been dead in the _first_ place, he should have known, he should have been able to sense it, he should have been dead instead --

"_S-Seishirou-u-s-san.._" The word tumbled out of Subaru's throat, higher and piteous sounding, and he choked for a moment, then jerked his face back and forth in the sheets, not willing himself to look up. Quaking fingers slipped beneath the blanket until they made contact with Seishirou's forearm, and then slid downwards to his hand, feeling the sweaty, awful heat of a fever on his skin. "I-I'm sorry… _I-I'm so-orry_…" Subaru whispered pleadingly, over and over, until he forgot how the word was supposed to sound and it simply fell out of his mouth in dented echoes, until his throat was far too raw for words, and so he left himself to the sounds of his own soft sobbing.

His eye was blazing from the pain of bright lights and the tears that made it feel as if someone had taken a hammer to his forehead. When he finally calmed himself enough to stop crying, he was still trembling, and kneeling on the floor, not caring if a nurse happened to come in and see him in such a helpless position, or if the other two patients in the room could hear him. The Sakurazukamori had not changed, had not stirred in the least from the noise. Subaru held Seishirou's hand as if it were a flower, afraid to somehow cause him further damage with any hint of touch. Seishirou's skin was clammy and far too warm, and Subaru swallowed and choked, while odd anger welled up inside him at the doctors who could not treat him properly. But it was not their fault, he reminded himself testily. It was his own fault. He shoved his thoughts away, making mental note to have a word with one of the doctors later.

He was afraid to lift up Seishirou's sheets and see how much bandaging was across the man's chest, or even how much stitching.

His head whirled in physical and mental agony. He swallowed another sob.

_Such bright lights, such white walls for such a miserable place where so many die, where so many suffer. _Subaru mused, and shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, both, out of habit, in an attempt to push out the dizziness and arising nausea. It was amazing how easily one could succumb into sickness simply from tears and stress, even within a short time period. But he wasn't about to go find his hospital room. He'd rather sleep on the floor then leave now.

Subaru carefully – _carefully_ – slid Seishirou's forearm from underneath the covers, towards himself, so that the man's hand was soon visible, his own smaller hand wrapped delicately around it. His joints were stiff and his skin overtly warm, but at least it was better then being rubbery, cold, floppy, useless and _dead_. The onmyoji sighed, breathe rattling out of his wind pipe, and on a horrible impulse he nuzzled his cheek to Seishirou's hand, blush burning his face with the action. His vision smeared with tears, and the lights of the hospital became little white, confusing polka-dots, and his head gave a powerful thud. He swallowed. What he _really_ wanted to do was – _was_ -- his lips touched Seishirou's hand, and his heart stopped and then restarted with enough force for him to see stars.

How much he wanted to kiss Seishirou's face, maybe even his _lips_, but he was too embarrassed, sick, afraid and confused. He was feeling too many horrible things at once and his body was on the brink of collapsing in on itself, the only thing keeping him continuing being his determination. So instead he continued to hold Seishirou's hand, kneeling by his side and leaning halfway against the mattress and the bedpost, feeling it dig into his clothes and push against his skin uncomfortably, the hospital tiles icily cold and his legs already beginning to complain from the hard surface. He didn't care.

Subaru pressed his cheek to Seishirou's hand once more, amorously, and let his eyelids slide down, though he stayed aware of what he was doing; entering a verge in which he was neither asleep nor awake; the awake side of him keeping him from falling into slumber by reminding him where he was, what he was doing, while the intense fatigue and sickness weighed him down into laxity. One or the other would win eventually. Subaru forgot when exactly he let go of that hand and placed it back on the bed, and leant his head to the mattress, but he must of sometime during the ethereal span of time. Minutes stretched, appearing longer by his fatigue, until he'd completely lost any sense of time and simply leant against the bed, his body overtly weakened and begging for sleep.

-

-

-

He was at Rainbow Bridge again. Subaru had always thought Rainbow Bridge was one of the more beautiful areas of Tokyo, even if for the hundreds of thousands of cars that passed it every day. The air was always filthy with car exhaust, cigarette smoke and the paved streets were littered with aluminum cans and pieces of paper. Though not today. It was ethereal how desolate the bridge was when there were no people to crowd it with their honking vehicles; how wonderfully monochrome it was.

The water below the bridge was darkened with pollution, and it looked _angry_ because of it. Subaru leant against the railing, staring down, wondering what it would be like to fall into the freezing, black depths, and how long it would take his body to touch the bottom. It was a very long drop.

He figured he'd die on impact.

"Subaru-kun."

Subaru knew that voice, but he dared not turn towards it; surely the same apathetic, teasing expression would greet him. Instead he glanced at a soda can near his foot and nudged it with the tip of his shoe, watching it slide off the edge and spiral as it was falling, falling, until it was impossible to tell if it had touched the water or disappeared in thin air. He couldn't see the splash.

"You're going to catch a cold if you stay out here." The voice spoke again, teasingly again, and there wasn't a hint of empathy in that voice. Seishirou's voice was so deep and throaty; it could have been compared to a cat's _purr_, and it nearly made the onmyoji shudder. Instead his eyes narrowed, a fleeting feeling almost like hatred rising in his chest, and he turned to his counterpart.

The Sakurazukamori was the same as ever; as arrogant and beautiful as he always appeared. Seishirou smiled at Subaru as he dragged on a cigarette, and Subaru could tell from the scent of the smoke – Mild Sevens, as always. He was untouchable, unchangeable, to every minute detail.

Subaru had given up trying to change him. It was simply impossible – it – _had_ to be impossible. He stepped forward, staring at the man who had rearranged his personality to the point where he didn't even know himself anymore, and staring at the man he hadn't been able to change at all. He felt a bitterness in the back of his throat, and his heart sank – there was nothing – absolutely_ nothing_ – he could do.

He wanted to die.

He had nothing in life. His world consisted of Seishirou – and he was nothing to Seishirou – therefore, he himself was nothing. Everyday when he saw his reflection, he saw the person Seishirou didn't care about, the person that couldn't save his own sister, the person that had failed his grandmother's expectations as the head of the Sumeragi clan, the person who could never be loved by anyone, the person's who life held no meaning, no purpose, no worth or value. _He wasn't even human anymore._ He was a walking shell – his soul had left him, escaped to a yonder dimension, to another world that hopefully wasn't as cold – leaving his body numb of emotions. And the only person that could make him feel _life _was standing before him, smirking at him, mocking the agony he had bestowed with complete indifference.

His throat choked. "Kill me." Subaru whispered. He moved towards Seishirou, hesitatingly, as if his legs were about to give out. Seishirou watched him from behind his glasses, his expression turning stern, though was no more compassionate then before Subaru had spoken. "Seishirou-san – If you don't care about me – if you truly don't care about me at all ---" Seishirou was studying him, amused or contemplative, he couldn't tell which, with those damned glasses hiding him, always concealing him—"W-Why won't you…? I can't bear living any longer, if you don't --- if you don't kill me – I'll just – I'll – kill _myself._"

His heart melted away when Seishirou's arms came around him. Subaru could feel himself panting, his throat raw from speech, yet in the embrace his body relaxed; the tension draining out of him, until all he could feel was Seishirou's warm body pressed to his. His eyes closed in absolute exhaustion, and he still trembled yet. "Shhh.. That's it." Seishirou murmured, and Subaru attempted to bury himself in the hold as much as possible.

Eventually, when Subaru was utterly calmed – he looked up once more into Seishirou's face. They were so close together – nothing was separating them, there was nothing in there way; except for the mental boundaries and the past, and Subaru almost wanted to laugh and sob over the irony. _How can I_ think _like that? He _killed_ nee-san, and he completely betrayed me, played with me..._ _I can't forget it, I _won't_ forget it. Nee-san… was so full of life, she was… so happy. _

_She didn't deserve to die._

Subaru clenched his fists, fighting the plunge back into hatred.

Seishirou flicked his cigarette away, exhaled a cloud of smoke, and stared down at Subaru. Subaru watched Seishirou sadly._ He doesn't know how much this hurts, to be so close and still so far away. _The onmyoji could see his reflection in the man's sunglasses.

"You really want to die, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou inquired passively. They could have been talking about flowers, or the weather; his tone was so careless of the situation. Subaru clenched his fists again. His heart was beating rapidly – then an absolutely vile – _foreign_, was a more accurate description of it – emotion arouse in him, like the way a kite loops about in the sky until it is touching clouds, until it is in the sunlight. He almost wanted to smile, but he'd forgotten how to.

_Will he really kill me? _

_Will he finally put me to rest…? _

"…yes."

There was a snap of power, fast as a lightening bolt, and Subaru saw Seishirou's hand dive at his chest.

There truly was no pain. His soul was so far away from his body, he couldn't feel the physical pain. Instead weakness overtook him, and he almost fell to his knees, but Seishirou's body was supporting him, keeping him as upright as he could stand. Subaru's mind fogged from tiredness, and he looked down at Seishirou's arm, seeing where it disappeared into his body in a way that was truly surreal.

Seishirou jerked his arm back – The onmyoji gasped, his lungs screaming in agony as soon as he did. His legs lost all their energy, and soon he was lying on the hard, cold pavement, with Seishirou hovering over him, watching him bleed to death.

Subaru clutched himself, trying to find warmth. His body was hastily becoming colder. Yet he was – _happy_ – that he was in pain. He was so happy… his tortured life was finally ending…

There was nothing to be afraid of anymore… nothing to hate, or to love… this was bliss.

His eyes closed, and the world faded into darkness.

-

-

-

"Subaru –"

A voice was calling him from such a far, far distance. He was surrounded by comfortable warmth, floating amidst nothing, with no trouble or no worries. He was at ease in this splendor of oblivion.

"Come on – You ne---"

The words he was hearing only came in pieces of vowels. The noise was disrupting his peace; he squirmed, he didn't like that –

"Kamui-san, le… rest-"

The onmyoji was beginning to be able to feel his body again. He was under steaming water, and only beginning to resurface – his eyes opened, glistening in the hospital light, and he shut them immediately – both – simply out of habit.

"Subaru!" He recognized Kamui's voice now, surprisingly delighted. "How are you? Do you feel okay?"

Subaru momentarily blocked out Kamui's voice, and tried to reconstruct the 'dream' he had just had. He should have known it was a dream; somehow realized it in its play over his mind. Seishirou would never oblige him; never give him what he wanted, and certainly not so easily. He pondered on the significance of that dream, if it was a sign of things to come, or if it was merely his musings distorting themselves…? He sighed tiredly, and opened his eyes again to greet the living world, even though he was still disoriented by his 'nightmare'… if it could have been called a 'nightmare'… he could still feel the aftertaste of happiness inside him. _It's amazing how mangled my thoughts have become. _His body felt limp and sore, as if he'd just undergone an intense physical exercise for a long period of time.

Kamui was grinning at him cheekily. "I'm so glad you're awake." His voice was entirely sincere; which was much, much different from Seishirou's indifferent tenor. Subaru blinked, attempting to fix his blurry vision, and sat up, looking around. His arms wobbled like sticks, yet he straightened his back.

It seemed most of the dragons of heaven had decided to visit him – Arashi was sitting in a chair beside Sorata's. She smiled slightly at Subaru; an extraordinarily rare sight. Sorata was leaning his head to Arashi's shoulder, and was sound asleep. Astonishingly he wasn't snoring or even drooling, like Subaru would have expected.

"I'd get up," Arashi said quietly. "But he'd wake up."

"Mmmmpff?"

Kamui rolled his eyes when Sorata stirred, and looked back at Subaru. "Yuzuhira's in the lobby, but she'll be back here soon. Inmyomana-san had your room moved, and guess who else he had moved?" Kamui was grinning widely, his entire face lit up, clearly excited to see Subaru's impending reaction. He stepped aside, so that he was standing across from Subaru rather then next to him, leaving the view for his right side entirely opened.

Subaru looked over. The curtains around Seishirou's bed were only partially drawn, leaving him out in view for the small audience of the room. He was still unconscious and about as healthy looking as death. Seishirou had not been alive for very long – and Subaru could still - He could still feel it – his arm through Seishirou's body, his fiery, all encompassing blood, spilling over him, lining over him like a thin yet heavy curtain sheet, swallowing him whole, marking him, staining him, _blaming_ him - Thinking about it alone made the onmyoji want to scream, so he stopped immediately. He couldn't act like that – not in front of Kamui.

Even as cadaverous-looking as Seishirou appeared, the important part was that he was _alive._

And they were in the _same_ room – though Subaru didn't expect himself to be in the hospital for too long – it was still a wonderful thing. Inmyomana had already done him so many favors; he didn't even know how he was going to begin repaying the man. Contemplating about it now, Subaru realized he hadn't signed anything in regards to hospital bills, or filing out personal papers – he hadn't been quite well enough, or in the right state of mind, to deal with any of the more mundane concerns. He'd take care of that the second he could.

And it was _horribly_ tempting to get out of bed and drift to Seishirou's bedside, but the onmyoji wasn't about to let that part of himself show in front of the other dragons of heaven. He simply was so unused to showing affection in public; it'd be embarrassing, especially since Seishirou wasn't conscious enough to give any sort of response, so he couldn't hide behind the man's fervent jokes. So instead he held in the desire as best he could and glanced back at Kamui, who was watching him, still grinning.

He tried to smile. He _was_ happy – it was just – difficult, even painful – for his brain to recognize the feeling. However what showed on his face seemed to please Kamui further, and he sat on the edge of Subaru's bed, inching his way to the onmyoji. "I don't know how to repay Inmyomana-san," Subaru admitted, in all honesty, as his eyes wandered back to Seishirou for a brief second, before they snapped back up to Kamui.

Kamui shook his head, sending his wavy hair astray for an instant. Oddly, the movement was sluggish, tired. Peculiar. "Inymomana-san doesn't want you to repay him. He was practically _begging_ to do this. I told him, too. 'Subaru's going to want to repay you.' But of course, he didn't listen."

"I-It's true…" A voice grumbled from the corner, before Subaru could ask why Kamui seemed worn out. They both looked over at Sorata; who was doing a rather poor job in trying to impersonate drowsiness. His expression was far too happy, but Arashi herself was slipping into a light doze beside him; still allowing him access to lean against her as he pleased.

Sorata yawned. "You look better then you did a few hours ago, Subaru-san."

_A few hours ago? _"How long have you all been waiting here?"

"Dunno'." Kamui answered, and shrugged. "Couple hours… First… you went missing, and your doctor called us at about 7AM, when we were getting ready for school; and the first few minutes were madness until they found you, which wasn't until… 9AM?" Kamui murmured, hanging his head, and a momentary flash of sorrow rippled through the violet water of his eyes, in an elusive swerve, and then disappeared in an instant. "Arashi, Yuzuhira and Sorata went to school. I stayed here for the day. The doctor kept saying – that you – you - probably left the hospital." Kamui looked as if he was in an unbearable amount of pain, recalling the short lived event.

"Kamui," Subaru murmured. And some odd, outwardly impulse made him reach to touch Kamui's face, just gently, and push it more to it's side, so they were looking straight at each other. Kamui's skin was as soft as fine powder; and was the hue of freshly fallen snow. Subaru could feel his hair at the tip of his fingers; cool to the touch, like streamers of Chinese silk. Kamui's cheeks tinted pink when they made contact, and he glanced away again, as if ashamed of himself. "I hope you didn't think I was going to commit suicide."

Kamui flinched – confirming Subaru's suspicion. Subaru instantly felt guilt for his own recklessness, but he hadn't done it on purpose. _Odd, how I just had a dream that I'd died, and now this…_ Though the onmyoji hadn't thought he'd be so tired as to not be able to make it back to his own room; probably the affect of using so much of his magic on a single spell. It would take a few days at least, to recuperate… hopefully, not longer then a month, at best...

"It was foolish of me," Kamui said, hurriedly, edging away from Subaru's touch a little too quickly. Stung, Subaru let his hand fall, but did not comment on the repulsion. He mildly deserved it. "I should have – I should have felt your presence. I wasn't thinking clearly. I completely forgot how easy it was to actually find you." His eyebrows furrowed together in frustration and grief. "If it had been anyone else – _they_ would have realized instantly. I'm an imbecile."

"Don't say that," Subaru scolded, and sighed. "With what has been going on lately – it's understandable. But you don't have to worry anymore, Kamui. I'm not going anywhere, alright? And you need to worry more about _yourself_."

_Especially in this time, this dimension, where the continuance of humanity depends on you._ _Humanity may be able to change its ways in the destruction of the Earth, but people can't come back to life once everyone is gone. It seems unfair that the Earth can heal and people can't… And what is so beautiful about a sunset you can't share with someone else, what's so beautiful about a city full of lights but with no people? _

_After all, beauty is simply a matter of opinion. Without people to make opinions, 'beauty' would not exist. Beauty is not a tangible, living thing, but something in our minds, a stereotype we create. _

_And I really shouldn't be thinking about these things…. It's none of my concern anymore. _

_Kamui, our paths are steadily splitting apart…_

Subaru was trying with some difficulty not to continuously glance at Seishirou – his position didn't changed, and he showed no signs of waking – but it seemed as if Subaru was trying to make up for all their lost time together in the years Seishirou left him. Life and death would not separate them anymore, and nor their meager roles in the apocalypse battles; he would make sure of it.

Subaru turned back to Kamui, and tried to sit up more – realizing once again how fatigued he was. As soon as he moved, Kamui inquired, "Do you feel alright?"

"Just… tired." He explained, and a miniscule part of him was embarrassed by Kamui's evident worry.

"You must be hungry, Subaru-san –" Sorata yawned, and finally shifted away from the shrine maiden, though with some reluctance. "They've got you on the IV, but y'know – it'd be better to get some _actual_ food inside you."

Odd, the idea of food hadn't even occurred to him. But now that he thought about it – he _was_ hungry, and it might give him some strength back. "That would be good… but could you call a nurse, at this – " He stopped when Sorata stood and scooped up a small box that had been near him – he hadn't even really seen it before. It had a long cord attached to it that snaked down until it left his vision as it plunged under the mattress. Subaru leant over, wondering what it was hooked into, and then looked back at Sorata, while still partially leaning over.

Sorata's mouth looked like it was twitching to smile, and his eyes were radiant with humor.

Subaru could sense Kamui staring at him – glancing over at the teenager, and he could see Kamui was half-blushing, and had his hand held over his mouth.

"What?" Subaru asked, looking between the two of them, confused and more then a little disturbed.

"You're so _cute_…" Kamui murmured, though it was rather muffled and quiet. He immediately jerked his face away and buried his face in his hands, trying to hide his expression and deafen his snickers. Subaru couldn't see his face, but Kamui's ears were tomato-red with heat.

Subaru's green eyes widened in shock – though deserved – he felt like he'd just been slapped. "I—I am _not._" He said sternly, and sat back up tensely, wondering as he did if he should be insulted.

Sorata choked a bit on a laugh, swallowed it, and kept his mouth clamped firmly. "S-Sure you aren't—S-Subaru-san. Damn-" Sorata bit his lip to keep from laughing, and then mumbled hurriedly "I—I didn't realize you were like Kamui in _that_ aspect as well." He chuckled, cleared his throat, and calmed. Suddenly Subaru felt Sorata's hand on his head, ruffling his hair, much like he did with Kamui.

_This is ridiculous. I'm older then him. In fact, I'm going to tell him that. _

"You do realize that I'm an adult and you're not."

"Heh! Like age even matters." Sorata said, and smiled as he removed his hand.

Kamui was harboring a glare that only a teenager could muster, though Subaru could instantly tell he didn't seem that angry. "What'd you say about _me_, Sorata?" he asked darkly, having swiveled himself back around into the conversation. His eyes looked profound, almost black in hue.

"Aw! Don't look at me like _that_. After all we've been through, I thought our relationship woulda changed by now."

Kamui jerked himself away again, so that his back was facing the two seals, and crossed his arms. "Whatever you say, _Arisugawa-san_."

The monk countenance was absolutely crestfallen. A whiny pitch entered his voice. "Kamuuii! You can't be serious!"

"You have no right to call me by my first name."

"Oh _come on_… Don't be like that." Sorata pleaded, and walked over to the end of the bed. As soon as he reached the young seal the teenager turned away again, arms still crossed in mock-rebellion. A small smile touched Subaru's face. The mood was infectious –

"You honestly can't be mad at me." Sorata whispered.

"Kamui," Subaru breathed the word – it came out in a hushed, hot wisp of air. Both the seals stopped their squabbling and glanced at him. Subaru looked aside, and pushed whatever vile expression that was about to reach his countenance away.

_I can't believe I'm getting myself involved. _

The muse was too fleeting for there to be a long pause. Subaru couldn't help the grin that curved at the corner of his mouth, as he looked back up into Kamui's violet eyes.

"…I think you're _adorable_."

Kamui's cheeks went so red so quickly – and not a pale, sakura-pink blush, but truly a dark, fire-like _red _that could have been compared to the color of wine.

The teenager then shuddered, and shook his head, as if trying to brush some odd feeling off. The blush went away as abruptly as it had come; simply drained out of his face, to the point where Kamui almost looked slightly ill –but he seemed to understand the gist of Subaru's comment. He peeked back at Sorata for a second, purposely, and then grinned cruelly in an almost playful way at the onmyoji.

"Thank you, _Subaru_."

Sorata was stunned. "…You have _got_ to be kidding me." Then what had just transpired hit him like a truck. "You two…! I can't believe you, Subaru-san!" Sorata looked away, and faked tears. "You two are so horrible…"

"Oh, we _know_." Kamui said; his voice suave and heavily threaded with implications.

Sorata sniffled melodramatically, and turned his back on the two seals. "I'm g'unna go find Yuzuhira-chan…" He mumbled, and pathetically hobbled out of the room.

"Get Subaru some food while you're doing that." Kamui called to his retreating back. Sorata paused, then turned and replied,

"Alright," As he closed the door behind him.

Kamui looked over at Subaru the second Sorata was completely out of sight. His eyes shifted nervously to Arashi, who was sound asleep, and then moved back to Subaru.

"How are you, Subaru?" He inquired simply, his voice as soft as warm cotton blankets and an evening sun illuminating a purple hued sky.

Subaru's eyes lowered, and he wondered how to answer that question; whether or not he should be truthful or evasive.

"…Not too badly, I suppose. Other then being tired, I don't feel sick… Hm." His lips itched with a cryptic smile. "I guess I—I'm afraid." Green eyes darted back to Seishirou's bed again; Subaru's face still lowered, night black bangs hanging in front of his face. "I don't know if… if Seishirou-san's going to be alright-" He stopped himself with a half-angry, half-annoyed scoff. "Well, of course he's _not_, but I mean – _You know_ – when he wakes up – I don't know if he'll be himself." His words were coming out nervously and unorganized, and he clenched hands beneath the bed sheets so Kamui wouldn't see them trembling. He didn't dare himself to look up, uneager to see the teenager's concerned expression.

"It's alright to be afraid." Kamui whispered.

"No, it's _not_." Subaru countered, frustration hidden underneath the benevolence of his voice. He lifted his head back, and then leant against the wall behind him, staring aside, his blind eye keeping Kamui out of view. The brightness of the hospital lights on his vision was beginning to make his brain feel as if it were been squeezed within his skull. He licked his dry, chapped lips, and then bit his lower lip. "It's not _right_ for me to be afraid. The spell is over. What's done is done. The important thing right now is - I don't know how Seishirou's going to react when he wakes up – and I need to prepare for the worst. I can't be weak. I'm sick of being weak…"

He heard Kamui sigh in exasperation. He'd left the boy no room for argument, or even comment, and an uneasy silence ensued after his tiny sermon. Abruptly then he felt pressure on his lap – he jolted upright – to see that Kamui was lying down over his body, the teenager's face resting against his right thigh, eyes closed in perfect peace and a small, pleased grin on his face.

He wasn't sure how to react.

"You need to take lessons from Sorata," Kamui's grin enlarged a little, "about _optimism_." Kamui squirmed, his face disconcerting in discomfort, eyes half-way opening. "You're not comfortable at all, you know. You're too bony."

Subaru paused, then lifted his hand – minding the IV drip as he did – and rested it on Kamui's head, and ran his fingers through the boy's hair. It was nice that Kamui didn't mind their constant closeness – actually, it was quite wonderful. Subaru had forgotten how warm and encompassing the human body was; and being with Kamui reawakened all his dulled senses. Life hadn't given him much in the past nine years, yet he was extraordinarily grateful for Kamui's newfound presence. However, he was still wary of friendship, despite himself – it was a gut reaction from being broken once so horribly – which kept him from becoming too caring with the young Seal.

It was also very possible Kamui could die. Subaru's heart sank to the pit of his stomach with the thought, something in his mind chilled horribly, and his fingers halted. He inhaled shakily, after the momentum of the pause, and then began to move his fingers again, while Kamui looked up at him worriedly, but remained silent.

Subaru glanced at Kamui's watch every so often, though he was in no hurry. Fifteen minutes in and Kamui was beginning to feel heavier against his leg as the teenager lost consciousness; falling in and out of sleep. Subaru remained in silence, his musings in a conflict again. He stared at Seishirou's unconscious body with a longing gaze, though did not will himself to move with Kamui falling asleep against him. His eyes softened when he sensed Kamui's magical aura become completely lax; the seal's breathing low and even, inhaling and exhaling at a tranquil rhythm, more soothing then the ocean's tide. He stroked Kamui's cheekbone with his thumb, and sinuously moved a few strands of the auburn hair behind the boy's ear, admiring the way the locks easily slid and shifted through his pale digits. Subaru's own motions were lazy and slow with care, grace, though they were also simply due to the current drainage of energy within him.

…_Kamui, you really are too beautiful._ His skin was prettier then porcelain, prettier then European wedding dresses, prettier then the moon and the first snowfall of winter and prettier then white hued pearls._ I wonder if you even have an ounce of understanding how wonderful of a person you are… _

_It really is a shame… _

Subaru sighed, his hand wavering away from Kamui's face, and inclined his head towards Seishirou again.

_Seishirou-san… _

-

-

-

-

The beauty of a cherry blossom never diminished. Seishirou had been around cherry blossoms all his life, his childhood – they were on his body, in his mind, engraved in his soul, and they were no less beautiful no matter how many times he saw them. It was Nature's perfection; one of Nature's only perfections, for the world was not beautiful to him with or without people; Subaru-kun and cherry blossoms were the only exceptions, the only flowers in the fires, the only treasures remaining in a mountain of broken glass and rotting garbage. Seishirou would have considered his mother another exception, but she was long dead now… He gazed thoughtfully while standing back to look into the Sakura tree's looming branches, his eyes glazed by petals and blood. His throat constricted, and his lip curled, revealing a white smile that had no happiness.

He did not wonder where he was, or why he was here – it didn't matter. He could feel the raw power and energy of the Sakura. It _bled_ with power. He could clearly feel the thread of it inside his mind, looped around his brain and in his vision, trending down his neck to each of his fingers, and then back down to the soles of his shoes and to each of his feet and every individual toe, like a thin yet tight lace around his body.

There was nothing in the maboroshi that was similar to reality. There were no people, and there was no earth. You could not hear the sound of voices nor the cry of a flock of birds. The only voice was that of the tree's: and it whispered hungrily as its branches ruffled, the sigh of a lonely, pretty ghost. It was easy to lose the last of your sanity in this place, in the quietness, in the loose, careless grip of death; but Seishirou knew the maboroshi as well as he knew himself. He _was_ the maboroshi. He'd created it, and he controlled every vast inch of it. The tree was his beacon in the blackness, a light drawing all attention towards itself; the only sun in a black universe.

Seishirou frowned. Something was strange.

The tree – and Seishirou could feel it in his skull, behind his eyes, buried profoundly in his mind – was restless - Restless, and oddly, _angry_.

The tree did not speak in words, but Seishirou could feel its motions within his own body, writhing and whispering little musings inside his head. Normally it was unobtrusive, lingering in the background, hardly perceptible in the shadows and noiseless. His amber eyes narrowed as he approached the tree's center, its bark – and the chaos within his mind grew, to the point where he had to snap his eyes shut as a wave of abrupt dizziness made the maboroshi revolve in a maddening whirl that nearly shoved him onto his knees. A drum roll pounded inside his ears, the prelude of an extreme migraine.

He managed to regain control of himself. He swayed on his feet for another moment, before straightening his back and staring up into the branches. He didn't have the human ability to feel the mixture of nervousness and worry that becomes confusion, so instead he was only mildly uncertain why that had just happened. His first thought was that the tree was too hungry – but the tree never lashed out at him like that, certainly not deliberately, even when it was hungry.

But perhaps it hadn't been deliberate. Seishirou closed his eyes and re-relaxed himself, feeling the spiritual meditation glide down his body and cleanse him before he tightened the bond delved within his brain. The bond didn't strengthen – it simply became more prominent within his senses, and he knew it became more prominent with the tree's senses as he did this. That should do it.

He reopened his eyes, and approached the tree again.

The leaves and flowers writhed on their branches, and petals twirled as they came down to the black earth, kissing its ashen hue. It was a sight to behold. Seishirou watched the scenery with reclusion in his gaze, and then focused back on the tree again. He raised his hand – contemplating – and pressed the palm of it to the bark ---

Instantly burning pain shot through his skin and blasted its way up his arm until it came crashing into his chest and burst apart in a boiling explosion. His arm went numb like it had been lit ablaze, and his vision blackened before he had time to think as he was thrown backward and then skidded against the ground. Seishirou lay there, trembling. His hand twitched in agony, and his palm bled hot wine. His breathing came out in rough, ragged gasps; his brain having trouble comprehending what had just occurred as the drum roll pounded. His. Skull. He shut his eyes tightly and it did nothing to ease the pain. He felt like his skull was cracking and his nervous system was shot from the sudden shock of so much pain at once. His head was filling with something burning, something burning and horrible and painful like fly acid and it was eating his brain away. The pain in his arm was dull in comparison to the pain flooding behind his eyelids. If Seishirou was panting he did not hear it. He rolled over on the earth and slammed his head against the ground, as if trying to destroy his current pain with a lesser one. It did nothing. Seishirou swallowed a moan even though he was beyond intellectual capacity. It was difficult to breathe.

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_Chapter two – End_

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**A/N**: edited because it bothered me Thank you review peeps for the kind words given to me last sub-chapter. I am glad that people are enjoying this. ♪


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